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I'm not struggling with my gambling. It is with my family life. My wife and I are on the road to divorce. I can't live with her anymore. She invited her son to come live with us for "a little while."
He hasn't worked in 3 months (unless you consider selling drugs a job) and his wife is pregnant (she hasn't worked in over 6 months.)
My wife secretly pays their rent, etc.
I have my recovery to think about. It is hard. I want to gamble when I think about it. The whole situation is unbearable.
ON the job front, I will have a much better job next year. I have found several good schools and coaching opportunties. I will make a decision by this Friday.
I have been away because I have been out of town, but mostly because I have been working with my brother from 7am until 5 pm most days and umpiring some days from 6pm until 10 pm. SO, pretty busy. I don't have much access to a computer, so I haven't been able to stay in touch.
I'll try to catch up this weekend. I didn't even close out my old goal. I didn't even know (or celebrate when it passed.)
I'll have to work on that.
Keep me in your thoughts,
Chris
UPDATED GOALS
Not gamble for 30 Days
Progress 100%
Encouragements: 0
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I'm back from Indiana. I was severely tempted with all the lotto, lottery and casnios. Luckily, I was with my family. I did want to sneak off to the casino while my wife and daughter were at a rehearsal dinner. I even thought up an excuse to not go. By the grace of God, I went and had a wonderful time.
I'm generally the life of the party and much more so when I'm from another area. They love the accent and wonderful southern stories.
I struggled with the lotto. My brother wanted me to buy him some tickets but I let my wife buy them. He didn't win, so I imagine that gambling is no good for anybody.
My wife even bought two Hoosier Lotto tickets (which of course, lost.) She rarely does things like that but she said she couldn't pass up the idea of spending $2.00 to win 4.5 Million.
We visited Notre Dame's Campus, Cathedral, Dome and Stadium. We visited South Bend Chocolatiers (the devil if you ask me, all chocolate and all delicious.)
We visited Lake Michigan for a few hours and went out to the lighthouse. We ate good seafood.
We went through Gary, Indiana, which looked like something out of "Escape from New York," there were crack-heads and crazy people everywhere. (I felt sorry for them, but I didn't feel so bad for the gang members on the corners, they were quite crazy looking.)
The wedding was wonderful.
A difference about the south and the north.
In the south, we throw rice or birdseed. In the north, they throw nothing after the ceremony.
In the south, here comes the bride is standard at the beginning, in the north, at the end (a bit strange.)
Indiana looked like Alabama, just more silos, cornfields, more adult book stores, but generally the same look. There are quite a bit more white people in Indiana than Alabama. I don't think I've ever seen so many white people. A certain group of people in Alabama are called REDNECKS, in Indiana, they call them WHITE TRASH. There is a lot of farming and manufacturing. If you took Indiana and replaced it with Alabama, and vice versa, they wouldn't miss a beat. Except for maybe the time thing. In Alabama, the sun sets at 8 pm, In Indiana, it sets at 9:45 pm. I know there is a time zone difference, but still light at close to 10 pm, is craZy.
We didn't know what to think. Farmers were still tilling their corn fields at close to 10 at night.
I really am bored but I won't be writing in my journal as much because I don't want unrestricted access to the internet. That is not good for me. I have an interview for a great job next tues. Pray that it goes well and that it is the place for me. I think I have 114 days GF, I need to go back and make sure.
Stoking the flames of the fire, Lighting up the darkness,
Chris
UPDATED GOALS
Not gamble for 30 Days
Progress 80%
Encouragements: 0
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Welcome home! I'm glad you had a good trip and was able to stay strong. I have family in close to that area and when we were there for a wedding, the morning of the wedding we were sitting outside our motel rooms when my cousin pulled up and my brother, (being the smart "a" he is), asked my cousin, what do you all do for fun around here, watch the corn grow... My cousin said that's about it... Hang in there and stay strong. Peace and Love, Patty
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I'm glad your trip went well. Thank God you stayed strong. I know just how hard the constant temptation can be. I live it everyday. It really seems odd to me that your wife would buy tickets considering everything that both of you have been through with gambling addiction. That must have been rough. I wish you the best at your interview Tues. I am sure you will get the job if it is the right one for you. After all, you are doing a great job of lighting up the darkness. Have a great, gf week :)
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It's good to have you home to keep the light burning. We missed you.
I think one of the most amazing things about the States is it is a world within itself, the people and the areas are all so unique, different accents, customs - who needs to travel far?
You sound good, you sound rested. What a blessing you didn't gamble. 114 days is just fantastic! Hugs to you my friend. Suzi
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Glad your trip went well. These is alot of temptation for gambling, but you proved one can be strong and resist. Congrats to you.
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Hey Chris, welcome back and great job on staying GF. Good luck on the interview!
Liz xxx
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Hmmmmm, Chris, very interesting wedding...but not typical...all the weddings I attended in Indiana began with Here Comes the Bride (as the bride entered), and were followed by the throwing of rice or birdseed as the couple left the church ....interesting...:-)
In Indiana, being so much farther north, it gets dark much later in the summer, and much earlier in the winter than in the South (think about the arctic north...midnight sun in summer and eternal night in winter...)
There truly, truly are a lot of white people in Indiana...LOL....where I live now, hispanic people are the majority group, with lots of asians as well as whites and some blacks as well....everytime I fly into Indianapolis, I am amazed at the homogenity of people I see (almost all white)...it seems really strange to me now! I sort of look around and say "look at all the white people" LOL ....When I went to school there, most people had blonde or light brown hair where I grew up...very few with dark hair at all. (how strange to me now!)
I enjoy the multicultural atmosphere I live in now...makes for a lot more fun eating out!
WTG on staying GF!....and hope that interview goes great and turns out to be just what you are looking for!
Hugs, Dianne
Its pretty sad saying goodbye to all my players. I could just go back to bed.
I will tough it out for a few more hours and then say goodbye for good.
I hate that things worked out the way they did, but God has a greater plan than anything I can devise.
I leave for Indiana at 7 in the morning.
I'll check in when I can.
Love and hugs to all, 108 days GF,
Light up the darkness, there are some that just need a flicker of light and a flicker of hope,
Chris
UPDATED GOALS
Not gamble for 30 Days
Progress 60%
Encouragements: 0
Add your supportComments
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WTG on 108 days. Be safe.
Tessa
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My flicker is there - 108 days - that's one bright candle!!!! You should be so proud of yourself. I am. Hugs Suzi
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108! Wow! That's great! I'm so proud of you for sticking to your guns through all that you have been through. Have a save trip and enjoy your weekend away. Peace and Love. Patty
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108 days is terrific, glad to you hear you are doing well and have a safe trip, and a very great Holiday. Hugs, Mindy
Past Entries
Goal Updated
Sorry to hear about your home situation...the presence of a "child" in the home doing drugs and things that go along with doing drugs... was a big factor in the demise of the relationship....hope you will find some way to find islands of peace in the storm you are in at home. Congrats on having job possibilities to choose from....at least that is something you don't have to worry about! More congrats on still being GF....been wondering about you.....Hugs, Dianne
DianneE
you know, sometimes when we get our thoughts collectively together without any outside influences, such as our addiction to gambling, and see things for what they really are, it makes a huge difference. You have to do what you have to do for you...i know that sounds selfish, and in many ways we have to be selfish in recovery..it has to be about us for a change. I can't wait to hear your decision on the job situation.....
hugs
Danya
Makmarie
Perhaps you might find some guidance or direction in the Al-anon or Co-dependants Anonymous literature, if you have access to any of it....these fellowships deal with topics like personal boundaries, letting go, healthy choices, self-protection, etc in greater detail than you'll probably find here....after all, we gamblers are usually the cause of the problems, not the victims (although we often like to think we're the victims).
I've heard you mention this toxic family situation before, Chris, so I realize that it's eating away at you. I agree that you'll eventually probably have to take some action on it, so maybe you should get yourself organized, go slowly, place yourself first, make clear firm choices, and do what you gotta do. You've done a lot of work to reach the point you're at today, you deserve to be treated fairly.
Don't forget to ask H.P. for a hand also.....He has a way of sticking his nose into things and helping us out, at times like this, if we give him the opportunity.
Be well, Mike
eastwester
I'm so sorry that you are in such turmoil. I agree with the others, you have to think of yourself 1st. If you don't and would by chance slip back in to gambling it would just make you life all that much more unbearable. You have worked hard to get to the place you are at and I don't think it's selfish to want to keep it. Good luck on the job thing. Hopefully when you get a better job that will ease the stress. You are in my prayers for peace to your life. Peace and Love. Patty
mrsfroggie
Good to hear from you. Sorry to hear about your home situation, but from previous entries, I know this is not a new thing. You do need to think about your recovery and what is right for you. You know to go back to gambling is like pulling the trigger. You have great opportunities in your future and staying GF will allow you to realize them to the greatest potential. EW had a good point, don't forget about your HP. Hugs to you.
loosenomore
Just want to let you know I'm praying for your situation and hope you are guided to make the right choices. Relationships are hard even if addiction is not in the mix. I'm proud of your accomplishments and dedication to your recovery. Stay strong and good luck on your job opportunities. Hugs, Sandie
Sandie000
Big hugs to you right now. This is a difficult time. I am so sorry that it has come to this.
You are wonderful to be still working on recovery. This is so vital. Your health and well being are vital. Taking care of you right now is important. It doesn't sound like the situation you are in at the moment is helpful for recovery.
I wish you well in your choices towards your career. I hope you are able to find some peace there.
Chris. Today I will pray for peace and strength for you. Hugs and love Suzi
Auzgurl
Chris you are a great person and deserve the BEST. Do what YOU have to do for yourself. Make yourself happy. I too and in a stressful home-life situation. I will be forced with a decision to leave it also very soon. It will be hard, but I have realized I need to recover for gambling and be happy, which is not something I am getting with my boyfriend. Stay strong and if you need an ear, I have two.
marle44
eastwester took the words out of my mouth...many of us have co-dependent issues --- I subscribe to a few online groups...I don't post to any but I read what others post and it helps me TONS...
hugs.
peganony