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Now we get to my teen years, which of course are hard on there own. I have now fully realized I am on my own when it comes to someone protecting me. This naturally led to depression and low self esteem. If my mom didn't love me enough to protect me and the cops didn't think i was worth protecting then how could I be any good at all. This also strengthened my belief that I had to be doing something wrong to deserve this. I started hanging out with the tough kids hoping to become tough myself and in that way become safe. I had my first cigarette when I was thirteen. I remember the night it happened and what I was thinking very clearly. A friend of my brother that is just 4 years older than me asked me if I wanted a cigarette at first I said no. I remember thinking that I didn't want to do that to my body. He was fine with me saying no and didn't try to get me to smoke. As i sat there talking with my friends i started thinking about what would piss my dad off the most and I decided that it would be for me to start smoking. So I asked the guy if I could have one after all. They say hindsight is 20-20 I guess that is true because if I could i would go back and stick to my original no. This is just one of the many things I did to trying to get somebody to see that I needed help. Around this time i needed glasses and my mom didn't realize it so my eyes had that glassy look you get when you can't see right or when you are stoned. A friend of my mothers thought I was doing drugs because of this and the way i was so withdrawn from everyone and everything and she convinced my mom i was on drugs. This is another time when I realized that what I said would not matter that my mother would choose to believe the worst because if she did then maybe what I said about my dad may not be true. She questioned me serveral times and I kept telling her that I didn't do drugs or drink. She didn't believe me and told me that if I got in trouble for drugs she wouldn't bail me out. My depression just kept getting worse and there was nothing I could seem to do right. I brought home a report card that all my friends said they wanted because their parents would give them money for it and I was sure that I would at least get told that I did a good job because I had 3 a's, 2 b's and only 1 c. the c was in sewing. I proudly handed my mother my report card and all she said was that I could bring the c up to a better grade. I was devestated wasn't anything I did going to be good enough. That is when I gave up on school and on making my mother proud of me. The people I hung out with started to change I started hanging out with even tougher kids, ones who got into trouble alot, drank smoked and did drugs. I still hadn't done anything worse than cigarette. Then one night I went out with a girl from school we told my mom I was staying at her house and we told her mom we were staying at my house. We then went out and found some of her other friends and they had some alcholol. We started drinking and I started flirting with one of the guys there I don't remeber his name and I kept thinking that my father had said I was a slut and a whore so who was i fooling I must be a slut why not act like one when he asked me if I wanted to have sex I said sure. This was my first time to allow some one to touch me like that.
