grammylorrie's Journal

Heather & Kaiden Mood

Wednesday, May 14, 2008 | A Painful story

I am just sitting here thinking about my little grandson and his mommy. Last Friday was the funeral. They had about 8 posterboards up front, on each side of the table with the ashes on it. They were cremated together. There were so many pictures of my son and Kaiden. My son had a really hard time. I sat next to him and had to hold him through the whole thing. About halfway through, he asked me where Nolan was, my newest grandson who is 4 months old. My daughter was sitting right behind us with him so my son asked me to get Nolan so he could hold him. My daughter handed him over the pew and my son just hung onto him tight. He has been getting comfort from him and his son's auntie's little girl who used to be Kaiden's playmate. Thank God for Heather's family. (His ex, Kaiden's mommy). They have been so great through all this. They treat my son like a part of the family. Without them, I think I would have gone crazy being alone with my son. There is only so much that can be said to someone who lost a son. My heart is ripped apart by losing this little guy. I love him so much it's like, "did I tell him enough times how much I love him?" I can never imagine life without seeing him again. I give my son such good advise, but I sure don't take my own. I tell him Kaiden is always with him and that he will be with him again. Kaiden is in a much better place and is a happy carefree little guy like he was. Each time I tell my son this, it feels like a knife in my heart. I had to be strong for him but when he did go somewhere that is when I did my breaking down. Monday night we held a benefit for Heather and Kaiden. It was really nice, we had spaghetti, gave away prizes, had a silent auction, and showed a slide show. There was not a dry eye in the place during the slide show. A local photo place put the slide show together with music and it was beautiful. I am hoping to get a copy of it. How am I going to go on?? I never got over my mother's death 9 years ago and now this. Sometimes I wonder how I will live. I'm at the stage of my life now where it seems everyone is being ripped out of my life, by passing. I just can't wait until my time so I can be reunited with them again. Someone tell me how to get my heart to stop hurting?? I am now on medication to help me sleep and relax and I am seeing my therapist every week. It still hurts so bad. I am going to put a bunch of pictures on here. If anyone would like to see how beautiful these two were, please take a look. Thank you all my friends here at DS. I don't know what I would do with you. I know I have not been on as much as I should but sometimes I just don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. I want to isolate. God Bless all of you. Make sure you tell the people in your life that you love them and give them a big kiss and hug. Someday they may just be gone and you may never be able to do it again. Thank you again friends. I love all of you.

Hug gramm...

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Comments

This is a void that will be very hard to fill. A circumstance that only TGod is capable at this time of understanding. I didn't know you grandson or his mom but I hurt so badly for your loss. All I can do is pray for you that time will heal your saddness and loss. ((hugs))marcia

bizemomm
I've been told the only loss worse than that of losing one's mother is that of losing one's child. You have now had almost the same and yet you have survived so far. You have been wondferful to try and support your son in his terrible time of loss and grief but you need to allow yourself that same ability to grieve. If it takes isolation for a while you need to take it. If it takes talking about those you love still but are without, you need to do that too. If it takes writing yourt memories down to read over and over, you must also do that. God is the comforting power but with Him all comfort still needs time and healing is a slow process. Your grandson and his mommy are not in pain. They are not missing what they no longer have on earth. The grieving and loss is that of those left behind with the memories. Take those memories and make them special and they will always be with you to pull out again and again for comfort to you soul. God help you and bless you as you take these days one at a time and when you are ready we will be here to hold you up together....Sylvia

PudsyP
The loss of a child has got to be unbearable! Lorrie, I have no doubt that your little Kaiden was told more often than not how very much you loved him! Kaiden and Heather entered Heaven's doors knowing that they were home with their Father, and, someday their loved ones who also know Christ will go home to be with them. You are such an inspiration to others as to the warmth and tenderness you have shown your own son during this most painful time in both of your lives. Your hearts will never forget your precious loved ones, and, their memories will forever be a part of your lives. Lean on your family and friends for comfort, and trust in the One who can and will bring you and your son through all of these difficult days, our Precious Lord! You are in my prayers, Jami

scareddakota