Juice's Journal

Jonny loves candles. I let him get a load out and put them along the dining table and as he's now 8 I let him have the matches. Later on, as we stood in the queue at our local shop, I looked down and saw that he had singed the ends of his fringe so it looked like melted plastic. When I expressed my alarm he said "It's OK, Mum. I put it out straight away with my hands. Do you think I'm an arsonist?"  I'm getting used to the sound of people sniggering when I'm out with Jonny.

It must be a boy thing. Last week the Big Boys decided to make a mortar out of pringles tubes, like they'd seen on the internet. They made a hole half-way down, sprayed in some deoderant then lit a match. The "BOOM!" sound was gratifying, but all that happened was a singed tennis ball slowly rolled out the end of the tube in a cloud of smoke. They kept on trying but couldn't make it fire the tennis ball until Dan mistakenly appled the lighter while Ben was still spraying the deoderant. Wow, that ball shot up like a bullet!! Unfortunately Dan's friend Brad was standing too close and singed his eyebrows. So much for a perfectly safe physics experiment.

Now Jonny's sporting a slightly shorter than is fashionable fringe and I've banned any kind of Pyrotechnics. Dan's just woken up wheezing like an old man. Must be Autumn.

Thanks for all the support about the wobbly tummy. I think what makes me sad is that the boys shudder and make derogatory comments if I reach up for something and my shirt rides up, exposing the wobbly bits. My stretched skin goes up above my belly button as I carried my babies all out the front. Even full term I didn't look preggers from behind. Still, I just come back with some smart comment like "It's your bloody fault!" and laugh about it. I would never actually contemplate plastic surgery.

The boys are making their traditional Geoge Bush effigy to burn on the bonfire in November. I think I should check it out for hidden deoderant cans .........

Dan and Ben went to the Fun Fair with a group of friends. Sounds like an everyday thing, right? NO! This is the first time they've ever done anything with their peers, and no parent present! Dan's friend Brad told me how Dan was the centre of attention as his tics went haywire due to the extra stimulation of all the rides and the stress of being amongst a huge seething mass of people. "It was quite funny the way people stared at him when he kept saying fuck off, fuckers!!" said Brad. Dan also found it hard not to shout Chav at everyone. Thankfully the sound of the music drowned it out. Ben was proud of him, especially when he made a queue of people laugh at the chip shop by some choice impulsive utterances about the Turkish chap who was serving him about his level of language skills. My bro used to work for him, and Jonny went to Nursery with his son, so he knows Dan. Thank GOD!!! Brad did a great job of explaining to people why Dan kept repeating everything Sammi tried to say. Ben managed to go on some rides without panicking about germs and Jonny and I ambled round the edges hooking ducks and shooting goals for furry toys.

Crashed back to normal this morning, with Ben absolutely refusing to go to school. I posted in the ED community that I'm recovering, and I do believe I am gaining control over the anorexia, but I binged this morning after Ben came home and now I feel fat. I've gained 6 lb since August, and I know I look better, but it still feels like failure to see those numbers go up.

Now, if only I could decorate the house, get my teeth veneered and have a tummy-tuck, my life would be complete lol!!

Maybe I'm amazed by the way you love me all the time

Maybe Im afraid of the way I love you
Baby Im amazed at the the way you pulled me out of time
Hung me on a line
Maybe Im amazed at the way I really need you

Sir Paul I thank you.

One day good, one day bad, two days pretty dam excellent, one day OK, one day fucking diabolical. Pissed up, pissed off, weight up, slightly bent nose. Bloody sofa bed.

Just wishing for some peace. Alcohol brings some peace. If it wasn't wine it'd be something else. Crave to turn back the clock and do it all differently, in a way that wouldn't store up trouble for the future. Planning.