kathyo's Journal

Journal Entry for May 16, 2008 Mood

Friday, May 16, 2008 | A General Update story

I'M FEELING BETTER I DON'T SEEM AS DEPRESSED AS I WAS FEELING IN THE PAST FEW DAYS. I'VE BEEN OFF SEROQUEL SINCE WED. I AM VERY TIRED FROM THAT. I DIDN'T SLEEP AT ALL WED. NIGHT AND LAST NIGHT MAYBE I HAD ABOUT 6 HOURS OF SLEEP BUT IT WAS BROKEN UP. STILL ITS NICE TO BE OFF THE MED. I AM ALREADY NOTICING A DIFFERENCE IN MY APPETITE. I AM ALSO OFF ZOLOFT I HOPE THAT I DON'T GET IRRITABLE. I AM NOW ONLY TAKING WELLBUTRIN AND LUNESTA FOR SLEEP NOT THAT IT DOES ANY GOOD. MY NEXT GOAL IS TO GET OFF THE SLEEP AID BUT THAT WILL TAKE TIME. I DIDN'T HAVE MUCH CHOICE FOR THE SEROQUEL BECAUSE OF THE TD BUT I WAS AWARE THAT THIS DAY WOULD HAPPEN. I'M USING A RELAXATION CD TO HELP ME I'M HOPING IT WILL HELP WITH THE RACING THOUGHTS. I'VE BEEN THINKING ALOT ABOUT MATT AND HIS VIOLENCE. I'VE COME TO REALIZE THAT KAY IS NOT THE PROBLEM OR HER FEELINGS HERS ARE NORMAL IT IS MINE THAT ARE NOT ABNORMAL I KEEP TRYING TO MAKE THINGS BETTER FOR HIM AND TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR HIM. THE FACT IS THAT WHAT HE DID WAS HORRIBLE AND INEXCUSEABLE AND I SHOULD NOT HAVE ACCEPTED IT I'M ALWAYS TRYING TO MAKE HIS LIFE BETTER ITS LIKE ALL THE PROBLEMS ARE MINE I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY BECAUSE I'VE NEVER BEEN IN A ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. THEN I REALIZES THAT I'VE BEEN REACTING TO MATT THE SAME WAY I DID MY FATHER. HE BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF MY MOTHER AND WITNESSED IT HE ALSO HIT ME ONLY A COUPLE OF TIMES BUT THATS ALL HE NEEDED TO. I HAVE BEEN IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS. AFTER MY FATHER BEAT UP MY MOTHER AND HE SOMBERED UP I WOULD MAKE EXCUSES FOR HIM HE DID IT BECAUSE HE WAS DRUNK. WELL THAT WAS NO EXCUSE IT SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED. I KNEW HE LOVED MY MOTHER AND SOMEHOW THAT MADE IT ALRIGHT. SO I FEEL THAT SOMEONE CAN HURT AND LOVE YOU AND THATS NOT TRUE. MATT'S RAGES ARE LIKE MY FATHERS DRUNKS NO MORE EXCUSES. NEITHER ONE WERE NICE PEOPLE. PEOPLE THAT LOVE YOU DON'T HURT YOU. I'VE BEEN SO GUILITY AND DEPRESSED PLACEING MATT. I DID JUST WHAT NEEDED TO BE DONE. I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. I'M GOING TO SEE IF THERE ARE ANY GROUPS FOR PEOPLE IN MY SITUATION. SOON I'LL START FEELING THE GUILT AGAIN AND I HAVE TO LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT AND LET IT GO. I HAVE TO FACE THE PAST TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE. SO MUCH FOR TODAYS REVELATION. I HOPE I SLEEP BETTER TONIGHT LORD KNOWS I NEED IT.