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AGAIN I FEEL DEPRESSED. I'M SO TIRED OF NOT FEELING OK, ITS BEEN SO LONG NO THATS NOT TRUE I DID SEE A BIT OF COLOR THE OTHER DAY. TODAY I REALLY DOD NOT ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING. I DID TAKE A NAP WHICH IS VERY UNUSUAL FOR ME. MATT IS MAKING ME DEPRESSED I'M TIRED OF HAVING TO FOLLOW THERE RULES AND FEELING LIKE A BAD PARENT. ITS LIKE I'M NOT EVEN HIS PARENT ANYMOREL NOTHING SEEMS TO BE IMPORTANT TO ME ANYMORE. I'M NOT TAKING MY MEDS AS MUCH BUT I DON'T THINK THAT THEY ARE WORKING VERY MUCH ANYWAY. ITS SOUNDS TERRIBLE BUT WHEN I GO FOR MY PHYSICAL ON WED. I ALMOST WISH THAT THEY FIND SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. NOTHING SERIOUS BUT SOMETHING TO EXPLAIN WHY I FEEL SO BAD. I AM VERY FAT. I WISH THAT I HAD THE ENERGY TO GO ON A DIET. I'M SURE THAT THE EXCESS WEIGHT DOES NOT DO ANYTHING FOR MY SELF ESTEEM BUT I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO GET ON THE STICK. EVERY YEAR IT SEEMS THAT I FEEL THE SAME AT THIS TIME OF YEAR WHY IS THAT. I WONDER WHAT HAPPEN TO MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY IT WOULD SEEM IF ANYTING I WOULD BE FEELING BETTER NOW THAT THE WEATHER IS NICER. I'M SO BORED WITH MY LIFE NOTHING SEEMS TO MAKE ME HAPY ANTMORE I DON'T EVEN WANT TO SPEND MONERY ALTHOUGH I WOULD LIKE TO BUY ANOTHER CAR THE GAS ON MINE ES CRAZEY. EVER SINCE I WENT TO VERMONT I HAVEN'T BEEN THE SAME I HAVE BEEEN PUTING OFF EVERYTHING AT WORK. I SHOULD MAKE UP A PLAN TO MAKE ME START DOING SOMETHING. TO MAKE ME START FEELING BETTER. HOW CAN I TEACH THIS WHEN I DON'T PRACTICE IT. ID GO TO THERAPY BUT I DON'T THINK THAT IT WOULD WORK. MY HEAD FEELS CONFUSED AND SLOW. AND DULL. I JUST WISH THAT SOMETHNG IN MY LIFE MADE ME EXCITED. MAYBE I'M JUST FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. YOU HAVE TO LOOK FOR THE POSITIVES IN LIFE COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS. OH CRAP THE NAMA MEETING IS ON TUESDAY HEY MAYBE THATS THE THING THAT WILL MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. I THINK THAT PART OF MY PROBLEM IS THAT IM NOT SURE WHAT DIRECTION I'M HEADIED IN AM I WORKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE. CAN I MEASURE UP/ WHAT DO I HAVE TO OFFER. I'M FAT STUPID AND UGLY. MY LIFE IS BORING AND I DON'T HAVE ANYONE BESIDES KAY THAT I CARE ABOUT. I FEEL DISILLUSONED REGARDING FOSTERCARE. I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO DO IT BUT WHY NOT ITS NOT HARD. I'M WORRED ABOUT MONEY AND FEEL FRUSTRATED ABOUT MATT. I FEEL LIKE A CRAPPY PARENT AND I'M NOT SURE IF HE LOVES ME HE SEEMS TO BE DOING VERY WELL WITHOUT ME AND I GUESS THAT BOTHERS ME HE JUST DOSEN'T SEEM TO NEED ME. I FEEL LIKE I'M ONLY AROUND TO I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M AROUND IWISH I COULD JUST LET IT GO. HE'S NOT SUPPOSE TO BE OK. HE'S SUPPOSE TO BE MISRABLE WITHOUT ME. ISEN'T THAT SELFISH OF ME HOW CAN I WANT HIM TO DO BADLY WITHOUT ME. I GUESS I JUST DON'T WANT HIS PROBLEM TO BE MINE IF HE ACTS UP THERE THEN ITS NOT BECAUSE OF ME ITS BECAUSE OF HIM. I FEEL THAT THEY THINK THAT I CAUSED IT. KAY MUST BE ON THE PHONE SONJA MUST HAVE CALLED. YA KNOW IT REALLY SUCKS TO HAVE MOTHERS DAY WITHOUT A KID. YA THINK THAT THEY WOULD HAVE HAD MATT CALL ME THE ONLY THING HE CARED ABOUT WAS GETTING HIS HAIR DYED. WHY DID I LET MYSELF CARE ABOUT HIM I FEEL SUCH A VOID WITHOUT HIM. I THINK ITS TIME TO LET IT GO AND JUST FORGET ABOUT HIM IM MEAN ITS ALL ABOUT MONEY RIGHT AS LONG AS HE GETS WHAT HE WANTS HE DOSEN'T NEED ME I'M JUST OH WELL I'M JUST GOING ON ABOUT NOTHING. I HAVE TO START LOOKING FOR THE POSITIVES. TOMORROW WILL BE A BETTER DAY I WILL WAKE UP AND MAKE IT A BETTER DAY I WILL FORCE MAYSELF TO GET EXCITED AND TO BE HAPPY AND IF NOT TOMORROW THE DAY AFTER. SOON I WILL BE GOING CAMPING AND THEN THINGS WILL BE BETTER. KAY GOT ME A MOTHERS DAY GIFT THAT WAS VERY THOUGHTFUL I WISH I COULD EXPLAIN THE WAY I FEEL I WISH THAT SHE COULD UNDERSTAND. HWO DO YOU EXPLAIN DEPRESSION TO SOMEONE WHO'S NEVER HAD IT. I DO I EXPLAIN A DARK WORLD ONE THAT HAS NO LIGHT. WHAT IN GODS NAME CAN MAKE ME HAPPY WHY DO I FEEL SORRY FOR MAYSELF. I KNOW THERES MORE TO LIFE THAN THIS I HAVE TO GET OUT OF THE HOLE THAT I'M IN. I NEED TO FEEL GOOD. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO LAUGH AGAIN AND TO WANT TO SHOP. I HAVE TO GET SOME CLOTHES THAT FIT BECAUSE WHAT I HAVE NOW DOES NOT FIT. I HEAR KAY ON THE PHONE SHE'S PROBABLY TALKING ABOUT SALLY. IF ANYTHING THIS IS A GOOD WAY TO PRACTICE MY TYPING. I'LL JOURNAL LATER WHEN I HAVE SOMETHING GOOD TO SAY OR WHATEVER.
