kathyo's Journal

I feel kind of depressed. never mind i'm downright depressed. maybe its the time of the year maybe i'm tired.  i don't have the amount of energy that i normally have.  i'm angry!! i went to see scott on sat. i really don't like to do that it makes me upset.  i have to pretend that i think he's innocent and he's not.  i can never forgive him for what he did to matt.  i will always feel guility for what happeded to him.  i was suppose to keep him save and i didn't.  the worse thing is that i pretend to kay that it didn't happen.  it really puts a strain on our relationship.  talk about the pink elephant in the middle of the room.  why do i have to pretend why did i have to make a choice between matt and making her feel better.  i failed as a parent.  i'm no different then some of the people that i work with.  your kid is suppose to be more important than anything.  i'll never know if he's where he is because of what happen. will he ever forgive me.  i don't know why but i always feel this way at this time of the year.  i have to make an appointment maybe my medication dosen't work anymore.  some timnes i take it sometimes i don't.  i wish that my life had more meaning to it.  i know that it will brighten up but right now its pretty dark no colors just blah.  maybe im feeling sorry for myself.  i need energy.  i'm going to the drs maybe its physical. maybe i'm just tired. i almost wish that is what it is it would be so easy to fix maybe it is my thyroid it would explain why i;m so tired.  well i'm sure tomorrow will be better.  maybe the light will come back.  i remember the last time i wrote though it was pretty positive and of course i lost it i couldn't believe it.  i'm tired i'm going to try to go to bed early tonight.  its almost time to go camping i hope that makes me feel better.  i need a vacation.  tom will most likely be back tomorrow and i'm really pissed at him i can't believe that he was arrested i sincely want to make him misrable.  the worst thing is that he won't give a damn and i know that kay won't back me and that will disgust me even more.  the kids a loser. just like most of them are.  i cn't remember the last time we had a kid that cared i really am not impressed at all with liberty.  the kids are idiots and the pay is rotton.  it seems that we should get a lot more money than we do and the worse thing is that we don't get kids just one at a time.  guess i just don't want to do this anymore i don't know what i want to do.  i miss matt it dosen't seem right that i can't go anywhere with him.  its like i'm being punished.  there are alot of things that i wish we could do.  i don't know if having him place was the right thing to do. he would have been better off doing all of his time.  what if they put him in jail than what is going to happen.  this court buisness never ends.  i am so sick of problems kids thats what their all about.  jim called me today he pisses me off to dosen't call for a year oh i'm just being judgemental and thats not right. i'm just in a bad mood i'm fat to oh well life sucks guess i'll go find something to eat maybe watch some tv and try to go to bed a little earlier. hopefully tomorrow will be better i'm sure it will be i think i feel better all ready its all a state of mind.