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kathyo's Journal

Journal Entry for April 22, 2008 Mood

Tuesday, April 22, 2008 | A General Update story

i'm feeling overwhelmed. i'm at peer support training and am wondering if i'm over my head. sometimes the old tapes start playing the ones that tell me i'm stupid or not good enough the one that says that i don't have the right that i could never possibly have anything to offer or give. the fact is that i do deserve to be here yes its hard and its new and like anything i have to study and practice it. that has always been my problem i've always thought that i'm suppose to know why is that ive been lazy i just didn't want to do the work if it didn't come easy it just seemed easier to think that i didn't deserve it or could do it. my head is racing because i have so many thoughts so is this a symptom or a feeling. i have to believe that it is a feeling it would be easy to say that it is a symptom to say that i'm manic and thats why i can't sleep but maybe its just awarness. i want to go and be in a certain place i want to make a difference to be known and respected is this wrong is it being gradisose to want to be respected needed and wanted. ofter i think about the quidance counler in school that said that college wasen't for me. i took it as i'm not good enough the power that i gave that man how many years do i have to hold myself to that prediction. my family did not think that i would amount to anything and in their views maybe i haven't but does it matter what do i have to prove to them. nothing but i need for them to see me as someone important and not a loser. i need to feel validated by them it is important that they see me as a success whatever that is or means. i like the anaology of recovery like climbing a mountain it is so tall and so difficult to get to the top but when you look back do you really want to go back there? do i want to start again in the beginning. that could never happen i could never go back there again not even if i wanted to. yes at times it would be easier or would it? i have much to learn about myself. but i have some major discisions to make one of them being taking medication. i stated to take it again and now i have to wonder was it a symptom or a feelling why did i fall back so easily maybe i was just angry and frustrated. i need to get off medication i want to feel i don't want the side effects this is not illness this is not about pretending that i'm ok this is about going up the mountain. it will be scarey but i can work it out i will write my feelings i will try to find someone who can help me get through the thoughts and feelings. i want a clear head i want to go to the bathroom such a simple pleasure something i can't do when i take medication. i want my shoulder to stop twitching i get so tired. but thats the other how do i get around the sleeping part how do i learn to sleep on my own. well i can't solve all of this stuff tonight. tomorrow my head will be filled with all new information. i am ok and it feels good to be ok. i do not need to be perfect all i need to do is to try my best and not all the time but when i want to. goodnight perhaps i'll sleep now.