gkg21's Journal

MY 2nd FOURTH! Mood

Saturday, July 5, 2008 | A Rambling story

Whew....my 2nd Fourth of July without Scott! I can't believe it! It just seems like a minute ago. It was really hard watching my other 2 "boys" shoot off fireworks without Scott here. He loved the 4th! We watched the local fireworks display from our backyard...I just live across a field and a hwy. from where they shoot them so the view is really good! Before the fireworks we grilled hot dogs and had them with chips, potato salad, deviled eggs, dill pickles, olives, etc. After the big display the guys shot off our personal fireworks and had a good time. It was nice to see them having fun but it was also very sad to not have Scott there with them. We thought about having guests but, aside from a friend of Adam's, opted not too. We were just not up to it.

After all the works were gone Chris and I visited quite a while. He is such an amazing young man. He has such an awesome view of things. For example...on his My Space page he was writing about Melissa's funeral and how we surround the ugliness of death with beautiful flowers and nice music. He stated how it was was so obvious it is the soul and spirit of our loved ones we miss because the body is right there and so we can't miss that. He went on to talk about how much we all need to look beyond the physical of everyone because that is not who they are or what we miss. At least entirely.

And on another blog, I saw myself from another's point of view. He talked about how when we went to Scott's grave, around his angel date, that it was so sad for him to see me still doing the motherly thing by cleaning Scott's headstone instead of doing his laundry or something. He wasn't sad that I was doing that, just sad that it is all I have to do for Scott now. I never really thought about how anyone else saw me, before.

Today Craig and I went to Melissa's grave. I had not been there since her funeral. Craig had never been. I had a couple of things to leave there and Craig wanted to know where she was. He went to the funeral but did not go to the cemetery because he had to go to work. Anyway, as we were leaving a butterfly landed on my windshield and hung on for dear life until we got to the end of the very long drive. It was as if Melissa was saying hello.

Then, we went to Scott's grave. Yet again I swept off the headstone and area around it. I keep a very soft wisk broom in my van to do this. I pulled a couple of close weeds, told him to watch for our fireworks, and left. I don't stay long most of the time and when I leave I kiss the top of his headstone before I go and tell him I love him. Strange? Maybe. But, it is just what I do.

All in all, it wasn't a terrible day. Just one filled with memories and sadness. I tried very hard to remember all the other 4th's filled with joy and I just can't remember things yet without it making me more sad. However, I did try to embrace, the best I could, the joy of Chris and Adam on this 4th.

Peaceful wishes for all of us!

Hug gkg21

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Comments

Your journal makes me cry...your son Chris is awesome. Such an incredible spirit and wisdom he has for a young man. I am proud of him for you. And his ability to see you clean Scott's headstone as a motherly job...reminiscent of all the things you had done for him in life...so amazing. I am so proud of you for enjoying as much as you can of the day. Love and hugs and admiration for you...Karen

biowoman
I kiss Melissa's lips on her face we had etched into her stone. I also clean and talk to her. I would stay there all day and read if I could. I just want to feel close to her. I wish you peace. Love and Hugs.

TracyW
I know your feelings well. We went to Jamie's grave on the 4th-weren't into the celebration. We pulled weeds, tidied up and sweept the grass away. His (biological) father had his stone etched with his image and I just hate it! He looks so sad--about to cry, in fact. Even my nephews have a rough time with it! so, it is very difficult to look at. Always talk to him, always shed some tears--yet, somehow feel better for having done the "mothering" things! Love to you1 Judy

JudyWI
Isaac died in September, so Thanksgiving was the next holiday for me. The first year, I was left all by myself, and wound up taking myself to a 24hr mental health clinic. It was not fun. However, I have since decided, that since the rest of the family seems to want to ignore his absence, I am now going to drink a Rolling Rock beer if they try to force me to go again, to any holidays. I would rather be home alone, regarding him and remembering him, than with family who pretends he's not there, and never existed.
Maybe next year, you can get one big one to set off in his memory. Or one of his favorites.

starfish
PS - I don't normally drink beer, but that was Isaac's favorite kind. And everybody knows it.

starfish
Your son Chris is much like my Brandon that we lost. Every bright and old soul. They just seem to get it. We unlike you are still in the hiding stage from the holidays. (first year) maybe the next time around we can watch the fireworks. But they are not much to look at here in Alaska as it is still bright at midnight. :)
It soundslike you had a nice time though, this is good. May you have more of those. Peaceful days too.

akhockeymom
I always clean and talk to John, it seems to be all I have left. Glad you made it through okay. Love and hugs cathy

RockstarsMom