Katie12345's Journal

   Not sure if today was a good day or a bad day?  I guess it was just a day.  Check-in went alright.  I told the therapist that I am doing about the same and that my issue with harming myself was still present.  Next came expressive therapy which was okay.  Then, during weekend planning I got questioned by two therapists in the group about my religious issues.  I got really upset and I think I raised my voice a little louder (not yelling though) then I normally do (which is very rare).  One of the therapists asked what they can do to help me with this issue and at that point I was not sure if it was something to be helped.  After that came lunch.  The four patients (including me) and three therapists all sat at the same table.  I stood out because I was the only one not eating.  I was talking to this girl who is a Junior in college about me being really uncomfortable because everyone at the table was eating meat.  I cannot stand looking at meat (although I can eat some types of meat).  The therapists found out some more issues with me at the table.  Not sure if that is good, haha!

   The exposure today went alright.  We talked about checking, religion, and my doubts about the future.  I had to write a journal about my doubts with the future and had to look for words and sentences that were absolute and distortions.  I had to leave early because of my chat with the nun.  My homework for the weekend is to reduce checking either in what I check or how long and to do a CBT worksheet about my journal that I did in exposure about the future.

   I met with the nun in the communal area in the Convent (it was really cool being in there) at my college.  I told her my issues and I got a lot of questions answered.  She said that not going to Church (which I have been unable to do because of my awful thoughts) is not a mortal sin if a person is sick (which I guess I am).  She said that it is okay to say the Evil One's name and the number after 5 (she did not exactly say this, but basically she said it was okay).  She said the words a number of times.  She said that God is so much more powerful then the Evil One and that God is always with me (even right now while I am going through a really rough part in my life).  We talked for about 40 minutes which was nice.  I am beginning to think that my thoughts might be OCD and not the Evil One.  I am not sure though and this is going to take some time for me to go over these issues.  O, she also said that it is normal for people to doubt God's existence and to wonder about the mysteries of God.  She also said that Jesus saved us from our sins (for some reason I have been forgetting Jesus, which is not good), but it was good to remember that Jesus did die for us to save us.