violetjulie's Journal

OK, this time it is definetly OVER with the boyfriend! "Strke 3" was a looonnnngggg time ago, and I really should have ended it a year ago! What a WASTE, how STUPID  I am!!!

Just the other night, when I "thought" we were going to have a good evening watching fireworks with his son & neighbors..... how does he introduce me after being together for 3 1/2 years? As "a good friend"......WTF??!?!??!?! I called him on it right away (like he requested if something was bothering me, and not bring it up days later)..... and he immediately tried to retract it/recover himself by OVER doing it with "sweetie, girl friend, best friend" yes, he really did say all those and maybe even one or two more I can't remember. (and we'd already HAD that discussion!)

Well... we chatted off & on during the fireworks. When they were finished we went back across the street to his house. His son wanted to light a few in the driveway, so he did.

I noticed a few oil spots on his driveway (it was spotless before), so I asked him about them.

He said it was from the delivery guys. (that was all he said)

 .......about a 20 second pause....... he hadn't told me anything.......?????........
I asked him, "What did they deliver?" (see, I had to PRY it out of him)

His reply, "The new couch and loveseat."

Me, "What new couch & loveseat??"  (I had noooo idea!)

Him, "The ones they brought yesterday"   (see, he's still be vague......typical for him!)

 He then took me in to  SEE them. They're incredibly nice, luxurious and gorgeous........ I admit I am jealous! But what angered me was he NEVER even told me about them!
Now, he has rental properties and he tells me about every little detail he's bought for them, everything from the roofing shingles & hiring men to re-roof, to new carpet & flooring, down to a new electrical socket.

He did tell me when he had ordered his sons new "dressers"..... when they came in & were delivered, turns out he'd bought them EACH ( 2 sons) an entire bedroom SUITE.... complete with the "dresser", a night stand, and a credenza-type dresser WITH huge mirror!!! For "only" $600 EACH.......like it was pocket change!!!

(OK, his sons DID need new dressers.... but one is away at college most of the year, and the other one lives with his mom, and only "lives" with him every other weekend. so... wtf???)

Any way, boy did I lay into him! I never should have went there for the fireworks!!! I am sooooo stupid!!!!!

This will prove to you how stupid I am:

A couple of days before the fireworks, we were having a "heated discussion" in which

He said, "Well, maybe I'm just holding you back. Maybe there's someone out there who will move you into a mansion, give you a weekly allowance, hire a maid and a cook" etc etc.....

HELLO TO ME??!?!?!?!?!!!!!

(so..... it looks like HE wanted to break-up with me.... but HE really wants ME to say "its over".... so HE won't look like a DOG!!!!!! so, why then, did he continue to call AND invite me for the fireworks????)

I am so stupid, sad & pathetic..... I've got to get a grip!!! I know why I stayed with him.... because he was all I had! He was the only one who gave a damn about me....(even tho it was really "all about" HIM)...... he was the ONLY one who called me every day.

NOW I KNOW!!!!!!!!! I know I need to be stronger, b/c I truly AM a stronger person!

All the anxiety he was causing me only made me more insecure.

He did NOT love me & treat me like I truly want!

I know there are men out there who WILL! And I'm going to find one!

He didn't really accept my children and I could tell he wasn't comfortable around them,

especially my special needs son.

I honestly feel better now, I can't tell you how I HATE being "alone", but I am already feeling stronger and happier.

I don't really expect anyone to read this..... it is more for my own therapy, and to remind myself what's happened.

If you've read this far, God bless you!