Binda's Journal

Its been so long since I have been here and things are just plain ugly. I've hit the point in life that I just wish I could curl up and die. I wont but I wish.... I've been doing so much thinking and soul searching and don't like what I see. I'm nearly 33 years old, have been without teeth for over 12 months. I'm a single mother with only two friends, no family. I live in a commission house on a single mothers pension.

I have a boyfriend, who has no time for me and has just informed me that he has terminal cancer. I have no-one helping me and I am struggling financially, emotionally mentally and physically. I keep asking what I am being punished for, what I have done that is so wrong. Life keeps throwing a spanner in the works. To boot my christmas was awful. A guy sexually molested me while a group of people watched on.

Everyday I wake up, I am disappointed that I am still alive. My son is the only reason I keep on going, slowly putting one foot in front of the other. But my will and purpose has gone. My finances are so bad I can barely feed my son, let alone clothe him and his school fees still haven't been paid. We haven't had a holiday in five years, and I can't afford to get him into a sport.

We have to walk the half an hour to school hail rain or shine, cause I can't afford the bus fare. As I can't afford a bus fare then I can't get a job. One big vicious cycle. I hate this, I feel like a failure and a jinx. I can't shake the feeling. Religious people ask me why I don't believe in God, my reply, He has forsaken me and  He stopped loving me.

I don't understand any of it anymore, as much as I want to. Why should I bother? How do you get help when no-one wants to give it?

I don't belong and should never have been born.