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6/11: I am so fucking lucky. I got the results of my MRI tonight, and the report says there are no new or enhancing lesions. I think that's only the second stable MRI I've gotten since I have been on and off the Rebif. I am very fortunate. I dodged a bullet this time. I am very lucky.
I need to take this happy moment and remember how it feels, and then compare it to how it felt when the results were not this good. I need to resolve myself to the fact that I need to be getting back on the shots and staying on the shots. I am actually considering after all these years getting retrained in giving myself the shots. I am also considering asking my boyfriend if he wants to get trained, too. I think that would be harder for me to have him do the shots than to give them to myself, but maybe the threat of knowing he could do it would motivate me more to do it myself. I need to get on this, and I need to get on it now. Perhaps I will call after my appointment tomorrow.
5/12: Well, my fears are confirmed: I have regained my fear of the needle. I know the burn is what used to deter me, but now that I've put off the shots for three months, it's having the needle go in that's the harder point right now. I did do it tonight in the LH at the 2 mark. I think that it's good for now that I'm going with smaller dosages because the burn is not as prevalent so I can deal with the needle going in. Hopefully I'll master that sooner than later so I can then start to deal with the burn. What will really burn is when I have my MRI done and find out there's been activity and either go on the roids for another 6 months or have to explain that I haven't been doing my shots. Which is worse...
UPDATED GOALS
get up to full dosage
Progress 60%
Encouragements: 0
Add your support5/8: I did shoot up last night RH at the 2 mark. I should have looked back at my journal to see where I started when I was restarting the shots. I feel like hell right now: I had my last infusion today. I am exhausted on the outside and hyped up on the inside. It is quite the contrast. Part of me really hopes I don't have to do more of these for the next six months. I hope there's no new activity on the MRI. I hope the doctor doesn't want to pull me off Rebif becuase he thinks I'm using it and it's not working. I need to go to bed to try to fight the intensity inside me so I can go to sleep. Argh. I need to get better at this.
UPDATED GOALS
get up to full dosage
Progress 55%
Encouragements: 0
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