mark61's Journal

Hi again all! I am home from work and alone, so guess what I am doing?! Thinking about her and wondering If she is out with him??? I remember meeting her and how sweet she is and how great a listener she is. She wanted to know so many things about me and hardly talked about herself. She had a great giggle that made her eyes sparkle. She laughed at all my stupid humor! We talked till all hrs of the AM like high schoolers. We were so comfortable with each other and were physical right away. It was almost as if we knew each other for a long time. I made fun of her asking"20" questions. She asked about my past and women etc.. She made me feel so  special and so great. I think about how I 1st met her friends and her kids. I moved in with them after a year or so. We hated being apart. She would call me during the day to say Hi and call me when I was on the way home to ask where are you?? God I felt so loved. I had been alone since my divorce in "98 and lived far away from her. I never really met anybody I wanted to date. I started "fooling around" with a gal at my work who I knew and she was leaving her husband. She was very weird and it was a physical thing. Did occupy some of my time, but she soon got back with an old flame and she was like 7 years older than me.

   My friend Mike(grew up with) and I had not really hung out for a very long time as he lived  farther south and we grew apart. I would talk to him and he would mention Rob and Laura , him and his wife's best friends. they traveled together and raised their kids together. He was a cop at the time and rob a firefighter. Well in 2002 I was home watching the news when I saw a photo of 2 firemen killed in a fire  but I hadnt paid attention to when it had happened, but the white fireman kinda looked familiar but when I hear the name-Rob I knew it was Mike's friend!! I called and he said Yeah-it's been rough!! So we talked a little more but never really got together much. Later on, maybe mos. he called and said you know Rob's widow wants to start dating. Would you like to meet her? I told her about you and she is interested! To make a long story short-we did and doubled for a month and she was great, as I mentioned above.! She had moved close to Mike in a big house with a pool and hot tub and we spent many nights drinking and loving on each other in the pool or tub and I remember she said to me you know, I have a lot of baggage! I said, It's OK like I could handle whatever! She told me about how Rob had died and that his equipment failed and she had a lawyer along with the widow of a black fireman(Rob's partner). We talked about her kids, her suddenly being a single mother and about getting money from his death and how she was quitting working becasue it was so hard to get it all done. She was a pre school teacher who had developed the curriculum at her church's preschool. Later as time went on a lot of things would bother me but I didnt know Laura could tell. I remember the 1st memorial golf tournement she coordinated  and Rob's family form New Mex. came and stayed at her house. She asked if I wanted to play and I never hit a golf ball. I got my brother and we had a lot of fun. I remember walking in and before we played Laura was very busy and she didnt really hang around me much. His family didnt know how serious we were and she wasnt ready to tell them. Rob's sister was still devestated and thought it would kill her. After we all came in from the course and had a dinner, I noted a lot of firemen hugging Laura and talking to her all night. Then the announcements of awards and speech about Rob. I grew so uncomfortable! I left with my bro and went home kinda upset. I guess I was feeling the start of this challenging life with a widow of a "hero".

   More things would take place like annual memorial wreaths at his firehouse, TV interviews and eventualyl grew into an obstacle for us. I(not still aware I was codependent) had a lot of problems with it all. I had wanted someone this great forever and didnt want to "share"!  Threw all the grief I gave her she loved me so well Here she is loving another man and still devoting her time to her past husband and her kids.  I remeber though her telling me that she couldnt get married or a support org. called "backstoppers" would stop helping her pay the house payment and all her insurances etc. Oh maybe way down the road, but not anytime soon, she said. As we started to fight about stuff, she would keep anything she thought would cause me to "fuss" as she put it, from me. Stuff for the tourney, she needed like sponsors gifts, things to hand out at the tourney, Tee's for eveeryone to wear etc. She would work all day on stuff and put it away before I got home. She started to walk on eggshells to keep from hurting me or getting grief or criticism. As we lived on together I was so afraid to discipline her kids or they would give me that "he's not my dad" line. I would crab at Laura instead and she would say"you are the only one who minds or has a problem with it!! They were pre teens and slobs. Laura would give them almost everything they wanted as she ahd the money and guilt made her shower them with expensive gifts, and freedoms. Dont get me wrong-they are great kids and smart. I just worried they would not learn the value of money or hard work. Laura didnt cook and did her best at housekeeping. But she was a wonderful women who loved me thru it all. Later she would tell me she loved me  and told me over and over but it wasnt enough!  The last year or two(2006) we had talked about a lot of our issues. She also had issues with my X who is very meddling, and anal. Of course she needed our schedule as far as vacations to plan her stuff around my sons breaks and that. Laura hated that she was so organized and planned so far ahead that we had to take vacations when she wasnt vacationing with him.  Her kids and my son had sprink breaks at differnet times., and my X called a lot and e mailed me a lot. I would go to her house a lot to get Zach and help her do stuff(roped into it). She didnt like how friendly we were, but we promised each other that we would be friends especially around Zach! I would grow envious of how Laura could buy anything and travel anywhere. She planned some great trips and I felt guilty because I know she was paying for itall, even though she said-The money you give me for the house payment and bills is our vacation fund!(Cruises and Hawaii were a lot and I didnt pay for all of that). I should have been gratful she wanted to pay and have me there, but I fussed. I had nothing in my name and a lot of mail etc had Mrs Morrison or Mrs Robert Morrison and I ahted it. Everyone would refer to it as Laura's house and I wasnt really the "bread winner" and she didnt need me for any of that. I had no identiy there and it was really hard for me, and knowing she wouldnt marry didnt help. I also criticised her about a lot. I know now it was me being codependent and was jealous of the time she put in to remember Rob or everything that had to be done about the eventual trial against the equipment co that made Rob's equip. From lawyer meeting, Tv interviews, lunches with backstoppers, all the way to NBC nightly news in our living room and her meeting with John Kerry about doing something about investigating fires better. I was overwhelmed!!! At that point Laura had asked me to move out temporarily with my sister. She had had it! I did a times tell her I was proud of her taking the case so far and basically letting the world know this equipment fails and the city needed new stuff as well as the country. Guess it was too late to support her.  I spent the summer of 2006 at my sister's and started doing my codependent work and therapy and journaling and then DS!!! I went to therapy, either with Laura or myself. Laura and I would see each other but barely. We didnt talk a lot and I think it was the smartest thing Laura could have done. Our time apart was the best thing we could have done because it really made me appreciate her. We would get together and really enjoy each other. But she didnt see me as much as I wanted. I was very sad and it made her very uneasy because she felt guilty that I was wanting more. When we met I would be sad. She wanted to just have fun and I couldnt. Her trial was 2 weeks in that Sept during her birthday and she was on the stand the day of her b-day!! I had made a promise I wouldnt call her to ask how it was going, but when she called me I tried to just listen. Of course she was in the papers crying and telling her story. We hadnt seen each other in a while and the night the trial ended and she settled for a sum of money she called me and told me. She was relieved. I called her the next day and she was going to her son's football game and I asked if Zach and I could come and had gifts for her. We went and Zach sneeked up on her. She gave him a hug and me the biggest hug. It was hard to talk to her as she wanted to talk about the trial and I didnt know what to say. I gave her some earrings and she put them on right away. We left and she had to go to a volleyball game of her daughters that evening. Later she was on the TV again as the news met her there. SHe had on my earrings! ! We were off and on for a while and as Christmas came close I was living with her again. She says now she got sentimental becasue of Christmas and wished she had kept me out. I had ruined a vacation for her and her Mom(the last one together) A lot of it was the kids too becasue she wanted to do a lot of the "kiddy" stuff remembering the kids liked them when they were little and her Mom reminised about taking Laura when she was little. We wanted to hit the BIG rides and this was boring. She had planned her ass off and didnt want to hear the grief!! We went to Disneyworld and to her condo in Fla.. I was just such a pain and she didnt really show any affection and I knew this was bad. I remember sitting with my butt in the ocean and everybody was going up. I stayed and cried realizing that this was probably the last time I would see her codo and enjoy the ocean with her. Destin was very sentimental to her as she went every year since she was little with her family and her Dad had died in 2003 of cancer and it was his fav. place and hers. SHe came down to ask me if I was coming up. I tods her how sorry I was and that I didnt mean to be such a dick. When we got home is when she asked me to move out for a while. So After the New years of 2007 things got bad again and she asked me to seriously start looking. I looked at 1st close to her, but then realized that I might as well be close to Zach's mom and his school. So glad I did! My life before at her house was a 45 min drive 1-way to work and 30 min to Zach's school and house!! My life got so much easier. In Feb as I had found a place Laura was very supportive wanting to see the place and help me move. We actually started to get along then and she came to my condo often. We tried to date and then it just never worked. Laura would want to see me, and then stop. One night Zach locked us out and I had to call Laura for her key. She had told me she didnt want to see me prior to that and a cruise we had talked about got planned without Zach and I. She came to unlock the door and gave me the key. i walked her out and basically begged her to take us and reconsider. I think it made her mad. So since then we have been on and off. When it is just us we are totally happy. But the outside obstacles set in and she gets cold. SO the summer we didnt see each other, but in Sept I asked to see her cause I had b-day gifts and wanted to get more of my stuff as it was eveident I wasnt going to be back there. We had a really nice time and she said it was becasue we had such a good talk and I was different and she enjoyed me. I gave her I think 7-9 pairs of earrings and she loved them. We went out pretty much then and then in October we didnt. We would e mail a little. I of course declaring I was changing and telling her all the time of the undying love I ahd and would accept her life without issues. She didnt believe we could get thru them. We  saw each other in Nov and she came to my family's Thanksgiving and she and I had some wine and a great time. She had to leave too early, but had told me she was sorry she was such a bitch! I told her it wasnt her and she said yeah it is. I could be giving you more and I dont. You have given for over  a year and I nothing! Day after that she didnt want to see me. So off and on again and one night she texted me can  I talk to you-will you call me??? I would want nobody else to talk to. I did and she was very upset about her daughter and her boyfriend. We had a great talk and loved my advice! We went out again after that and then off again. We didnt have Christmas together and I told my self(and you guys) if we arent together by Christmas it is over. We e mailed a little and she said her kids had a gift for Zach-we got together i think  in Jan at her house. I felt like a stranger in that house! Kids had a great time and Laura and I talked and she hugged me a little but then wouldnt let go. She didnt seem to mind her kids saw it. She had told me she didnt want to get the kids hopes up before that. Well then after that it was more e mailing and more of her telling me that she didnt want to see me and jsut be alone enjoying her kids. She would rather be alone and do what she wanted to, than be in relationship where she had to answer to me and have to take my feelings into consideration! She had been seeing a therapist and felt ok doing the things about her past and Rob. I continued to promise things would be ok as we could staart over as friends(which she said we never really were) and as issues came we would stop, put them out there and talk them out!  If we loved each other after all tis time and wanted to be toghether, then love would conquer all!!! Right??Well she really never gave it any consideration and we hadnt seen each other since Jan. I wouldnt call her and once in a while I wuld send a bulk e mail out and include her. She replied to them saying a little more each time. We were just saying things like hope you are well. I had sent her a pic of a dragonfly and told her she should have it tattoed(which she always talked about!) She said should I get it on my tummy? I said there or on your nice butt! So one night 2 weeks ago I spontaneously asked her to meet me after racketabll for a drink-she did and the rest is what I journaled here the last 2 times!

 It has cut me like a knife. I had never ever thought she would date because of her comments about wanting to jsut be alone with her kids and do what she wanted. I tried to talk to her the next am after that e mail she sent, but she was very short and did not want to talk about it. She was so different then she was just 2 weeks ago when we saw each other 4 times in a row!! It was like I was this creep bothering her and she couldnt wait to get off the phone. I asked what he had that made her so sure she could be better with him and she said "I'm not marrying him!" I asked if she knew about him when we were in bed 2 weeks ago?! She promised NO! I met him recently. I'm sure I muttered some crap about why cant it work and I love you etc... I cant remember. I just remember hanging up and balling like a baby. So since then I cry everyday. The next day at work at lunch I started to tear up and had to get in my car and drive somewhere. I was going thru some papers at work that I threw together when I tranferered and an 8x10 pic of her and I in Jamaica on a float trip holding hands in an inner tube going down the river! I got sick to my stomach. That was probably 3-4 yrs ago when we went on a cruise. We were so in love and couldnt live without each other! I think of that kind of stuff and how much we would touch and massage each other and I would make my hands so sore rubbing on her constantly becasue she has a bad back and had hurt her neck! We would rub each other down at bedtime. I know I dont have to tell you all about all the little things you recall when it's over!!! And now it is Fri and she is probably out on a date!! Then I think about us in the beggining and think of all the attention he is going to get becasue she is the sweetest person in the world! He will feel like a million bucks if she does like him and he will say and do all the right things making her so glad she is geting over me. I dont know what she will include him in as far as her stuff to do with Rob or her kids, but I dont think she will get real close to him. She will not want to risk any hurt yet and I'd like to think she will think of me for a while and feel awkward getting too close. BUT then I think she could do it to hurry up and get over me!!!  Guys, this is the hardest thing I had to go thru in 2 years. I mean we were just togther!!!!!

 I know this is a novel, but if you have read it I thank you, but I just kept typing maybe to just vent, but I wanted to tell our story. She just beleives we would never work out. That is so hard to hear. I worked so hard to be able to understand my source of all the pain I caused her and to accept her life finally and we barely got to see each other much less start to grow back together and work out the issues. I want her so much and feel as if I will never get over her. I have to stop thinking about her and meet  someone to just go out with and spend time with. I really hoped all my work and hers would bring us back together. She said she just doesnt feel like I do anymore. I hope she has trouble dating and thinks about me. I think she is confused but wants to move past the roller coaster she has felt for so long. She once mentioned that she felt after her kids are out of the house in  a few years  it would be better for us as her commitments would be fewer and we could do a lot more alone. I hope that happens, but I dont know if I want to be the hopless romantic seeing us run into each other's arms or finally listen to everyone and move on never giving her another thought....Right now I am just laying crushed on the floor hoping that bastard doesnt lay a hand on her and she doesnt welcome it!!!!!!!!!!!

 Thanks again if you hung in there thru this book!! You are good friends, and I need you more now than ever. Please give me some responses...Mark