mark61's Journal

Well it is a New Year, but so far hasnt brought me much happiness. Hasnt been bad, just OK. It is very difficult for me to look ahead and see anything wonderful. It is like life will go on just OK. I have the things with my son to look forward to. His basketball games, and being with him when I have him. My schedule is changed at work. I have been transferred to a different dealership farther north and will no longer work 4 days a week, therefore only see him on weekends! It will give me more idle time to think about-her! She has texted me now twice without me prompting it. She has said Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year to Zach and I. I wanted so badly to e mail or call. It is so damn hard to go thru the Holidays and not know what she is up to and how she is. I know that this is the right thing, going everyday and letting her believe that I am happy. If she truly loves me and has missed me-she will eventually re-evaluate her life and desires and try to get me back. If she has decided that we are not to be, then I eventually will contemplate truly moving on without any thoughts of staying by the phone. I am going to try to start working out and losing weight. I was down to 190 lthe summer of 2006 when I lived at my sister's and ate better. Now on my own I cook and eat whatever I want including a lot of junk!!!! I play racketball, but not nearly enough and I play doubles which isnt as much cardio! I hate how the thoughts of her eat up all my mind. I wake up-go imediatly to the PC and check emails! Then I look on my phone to see if any texts? I know if I call her she will be so sweet and glad to hear from me. That is becasue she is such a great person who is genuinely concerned about everyone. (Part of the past issues) She says no to none(or did) and at times I felt as if I was just another person in her life-not the most special. It is childish when I hear myself say it, but I guess I had issues with feeling like I was "the one". I  own that-I know!        Anyway, still hanging in there. I wonder how her therapy is going and if she has faced her fears and issues that made her not want to commit again, and as she put it not be able to be with anyone? Has she gotten any closer to entertaining the idea of a relationship now? We'll see. I am not going to run out and force dating as my heart is not in it. I still cry(even now) as I think of life without her. I miss her, the kids, the family life-everything!!!!!