I cant believe it\'s over!
Hi again all! I am home from work and alone, so guess what I am doing?! Thinking about her and wondering If she is out …
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Hi everyone! Things are still way better than before, but Laura is still very cautious. Her therapist asked her to ask me 3 things I would not budge on and Laura had to give me 3. She is looking ahead to what may be issues.
She just got home Tues night from destin with her friend for a week and had been calling and texting me "I miss you!". She asked me what I was doing Wed and I didnt know. So I took Zach to school at 7:15 and texted her to see if she was awake. She didnt respond, I wanted to just head there right then! She replied at 8 and I was laying in bed falling asleep. I talked to her and said I wanted to come down and she said well I'm picking up the house and working out for 1 1/2 hours, and have to pick up the dog at the kennel-would you like to go w/me and to lunch? About 11:30?? I said Yes. After I hung up I was totally deflated. I had to pick up Zach at 2:15 and would have to leave her around 1:45. That would give us barely 2 hrs. I have to tell you I was upset. DO I tell Laura? Do I ask her to blow off working out? She and I had seen each other everyday before she left and I felt like she could have passed on working out till the next day or later?? So I felt like we are supossed to tell each other when we are troubled now( starting over) and I called back. At 1st I was silent. She asked what is wrong? So I told her that I wanted to see her then and not 3 hrs from now. She felt bad and i just told her forget it, I'll hang a ceiling fan while your doing that. I was so upset now because I made her feel guilty for doing what she did and I felt bad because maybe I wasnt supposed to feel this way???
Well at 11:30 we met and p/up her dog and took her home and then went to lunch. We had talked about my work and how they are changing my pay plan and how upset I was about that, and I was already upset because I had so little time, and then she said We didnt talk about my therapy session? I said Ok-what? She said the thing about the 3 things we stand firm on. Then it got into all the past issues, and it didnt go well. I felt like dirt when we left each other and I wasnt talking much at that point. I dont want to keep looking back and hearing her tell me how bad I made her feel! She called me later that night and said she was sorry and wanted to be more of the woman I desired. She was truly upset and crying. I didnt aske about seeing her today(off still) and she didnt ask except she knew I had a dentist appoint. She called last night to come by with her son becasue he is going to a chiroprator near my house and wanted to stop so her son could see Zach and my place. I couldnt becasue I had to leave then for Zach's confirmation class.
So this am she called and asked what I was doing today and then we started talking about everything. I went back to yesterday am and she started getting mad. It got into how she is going slow and how scared she is that it wont work and how much she wants it to! She said we need to talk about the future and how to deal with things we know will be issues! I said a simple thing like you doing other things yesterday and not seeing me till 3 hrs later was very important to me. She said I used to work around your schedule and if I dont you get mad!? It wasnt that. Didnt she understand that if the tables were turned I would have not wanted to do anything but go to her house?? she kept talking about how if I had something with Zach, I would have dont that instead. But I was talking about something she COULD have blown off and done later or skipped until today. After all, she was in Destin and missing her work out was fine then? If I had just seen hre. then it would have not been an issue. But I missed her and I just thought she would have felt the same way. So this am has not started good either. She had people at the door so she is calling me back. I want to see her, but she wants to talk about all that other stuff, and to me-if she cant make it seem like she feels about me like I feel about her(even though I know she does), then anything bigger, will be an issue. Am I being ridiculous??? Was that asking a lot??? She went nuts about how before she did everything for me and around my schedule. I said that I did appreciate all that, till towards the end. I need to feel like I am a little more important in her life, I guess. She needs to compromise and so far she isnt. I just want to know we are important to her as much as her kids and stuff. I guess I am expecting again, and that may be unfair to expect her to do what I would have done? I have always chosen her over other things and made her feel on top of the list. I have to stop that. AI just want thins to be wonderful and wish I could feel like I was near the top. Maybe I will if I just take it slow. She did say if things were like they were before she left to Destin, then she would not want to leave me for a week again and would be so much more "lovy-dovy"!! But it is like I ruined it for speaking my mind about her putting me off yesterday? I guess I should have just sucked it up and see how the rest of the day would have gone. But I didnt and take take it back. She did tell me this am that she wished she didnt feel like she did and wasnt so selfish, she wanted to be more like I wanted, but still was worried about the future together. I cant give her any guarantees!!Like I said, things are much better and I just am wanting it to get back to serious before she is all the way there yet. I was feeling great then last week when she kept calling and asking to see me without me ever prompting it. That is how I want to feel all the time. Time will tall. At least we are here now and not where we were a year ago and all this summer!! Good place to start and work on things.....Thank for you all reading this! Hugs and let me know if I'm off the track?
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tonight has been a rough one,Earl …
tonight has been a rough one,Earl was late for work by three hrs, his mom forgot she had to babysit and he had to wait …
I love you, but you are soooo off track.
It is the condependence and insecurity in you that makes you feel that way. That is not hers to own. That one was yours. If you are going to in a relationship, she needs to come first in her life, and you need to come first in your life. She was setting boundaries and taking care of her self. And you made her feel badly about it. Her giving up things she feels are important to her for you is not healthy or comprimise. I think you need to be careful. It is not that she didn't think of you, or that you are not important to her, it is just that she is trying to put herself first.
You are going to have to be open and patciant with her as she goes through threapy. Yes, it is good to move forward, but sometimes you need to go back first. She needs to express all of those feelings she felt back to in order to release them. It sounds like there are a few unresolved issues that the two of you had. Try not to get so ofended.. She is not attacking you. She needs to work through it. And if you want this to work, you are going to have to work with her. I am sure there are things that you need to let out as well.
I do not mean to beat you over the head, but this is the beginning of the end if you continue to think and act the way you always have.
Anyway, I am just trying to be honest. I hope this helps.
brighterdays
After reading my comment again, I am afraid I was too strong. I meant every word I said, I guess I could have been kinder.
I just remember when you thought you lost her. You would have given anything for 2 hours with her. I remember you telling me that you felt you were too demanding of her and her time. I am just pointing out that it seems you are doing it again.
It is good to be open and honest in a relationship. But there are things (while we are in recovery) that should probaly stay in our head. For example, I use to always ask the bf questions about everything, where he was, what he did, did he drink, did he smoke, who he was with, etc. I found that it was feeding my coda. It was non of my business. Yes we were in a relationship, but that did not mean I owned him. It didn't give me free access to know everything about him. And besides that, if he didn't want to tell me, he would just lie to me, which would encourage him in his dysfunction.I realized, it was not my place to ask. If I wanted to ask, and didn't, and it bothered me so badly that he noticed a change in me, I would just tell him "I am having a coda moment. I want to ask you a question, but honestly, it won't do either of us any good. So I would really like to change the subject". And in my head I would think "I am powerless over him. I need to let go and let God". I am not saying it was not hard, but slowly, it seems the urge to ask questions has gone away. So with you, in this situation, I really don't think you should have called her back. You should have taken a moment, read a chapter in one of your books, prayed, called a friend, anything. But I guess first the important thing would be to realize what you were really doing. You said you called her and were silent. From the outside, it seems very passive aggresive. I think if you were honest, you called her to guilt her. Maybe not into seeing sooner, but b/c you wanted her to feel bad that you felt bad. You are still depending on her to make you feel better. That is not her job. It is yours. So, if she said she wanted to go work out, and you felt upset, maybe next time ask yourself why you are upset. What is making you feel that way? your answer was b/c it made you feel less important. Well, how do you think it made her feel when you said you were upset that she didn't change things around for you? It kinda sends the message that you don't think she is important enough to have some time to herself to destress. And if you are thinking that you could help her destress, stop right there. There is a time and a place for that, but there is also somehting to be said for alone time. Time to meditate, to get into your head, to work out emotions and feelings. There are just some things we have to do by ourselves.
I know you love her. And it really sounds like she loves you. And I know I am being very strong in my responce. I guess I am just trying to stop you in your tacks and make you look at the whole picture. I am not trying to piss you off, or hurt you. I ust know that you are in pain when you lose her. And I really think you could lose her if you don't stop and look.
I know you said she was going to a therapist, but have the two of you thought of couples couseling? How about you? Are you still going to your meeting? How about a therapist? Remember, CoDa is a life long thing. It doesn't go away when life seems good (and I am saying that to me as much as you). We need to keep workingour programs to get better results in life.
Huge hugs to you!
Good luck!
brighterdays
Hugs to you, things are improving, I am sooooo happy
for you !
davysmom