aXmillionXpieces's Journal

I wish my family wasn't so complicated. I know that everyone has family problems. My mom's having a really hard time right now. I feel so helpless and I feel bad. I mean I went through a lot in high school. My world was falling apart and when I was really stressed I cut. But I never made it their problem, something they had to deal with. I know family should be there for eachother but it is so new to me because they weren't there for me. I know they wanted to be but they couldn't. When I gave them the chance, they did the wrong thing and I couldn't trust them. The other problem I have is that I am the daughter. I can't solve her problems. I can do little things but what she is really upset about is feeling like a failure. And that means I can't resolve my issues with her because that will depress her more. Not to mention most of that involves my father. They've been married for 22 years and she feels like he holds her back and that she can't do anything right with him. I see her point but I can't be in that situation. It's not fair to me.

So then my mom's hairdresser calls me and leaves a message on my phone about taking care of my mother. I am so frustrated with this. I know she is just concerned but I feel like it's not her business to be calling my father and I. Yes, some of my mother's stress is our fault but i get sick of the blame game. Sometimes, you have to take responsibility. She chose this life. She feels trapped but she married my father, knowing his insecurities, that his first wife died. She has choices about how to handle this stress.

I just feel like no matter what I do, it won't make a difference. The real problem is those underlying things that have been going on for the past 22 years. What can i do for that? Sure, I can do little things but it won't amount to much with the real problems. And I feel like I could better be there for her if I told her why I am upset with her instead of hiding it. But I know I can't because that will only make matters worse.