aXmillionXpieces's Journal

Things are a bit better with my mother and I. Not really. We just move on and pretend everything's okay but under it all we are both hurt. She hurts me and I push her away and in doing that I hurt her and it's a cycle that repeats. The problem is that she doesn't understand when I do try to explain things. But right now, she's depressed which is difficult to deal with because she takes it out on others and blames the family for her negativity because, according to her, she wasn't a negative person until she became a part of our family. She forgets that it was her choice to marry my father and she knew that his first wife had died and left two daughters, my sisters.

And my friend...I don't know what to tell her. I talk to her every day now. She's out of the hospital and is on some type of out patient psychiatric classes. She hates them and doesn't want to go but I wish she would just be more open to them. I can't always be there and neither can her other friends. I'm taking three days off work next week and taking a bus to go see her. I'm glad to get to see her but I'm a bit worried about going. I'm afraid it's going to drain me and that's hard because I hardly have time for myself as it is. It's just that this all has been going on for so long now and I know these things don't immediately get better but they don't seem to be getting any better. I know it's better than last year, but I didn't know her then. This year, it's gone from depression to cutting to an overdose. I just don't feel like I can do anything.  

I'm supposed to go hang out with my new neighbor. She's nice, she really is but I have no desire to go and see her. I just don't want to watch a movie or tv and pretend that everything is wonderful. And I feel like it has become an obligation to hang out with her and I don't want that responsibility. I feel responsible for enough people as it is. I don't need one more.