aXmillionXpieces's Journal

Are my parents so dense? My mom completely blew up at me today. There's a new girl across the street who is my age and only here for the summer, like me. My mother wants me to do stuff with this girl and I do plan on it. I have her number. But I've been busy. I have two jobs, I went to Chicago for a few days last week and just got back and I'm tired. But my mother keeps on pressing it and the more she does, the more I don't want to hang out with this girl. I don't want to feel obligated to. I shouldn't. So, when my mother mentioned it again today I told her how I felt. I tried to be nice about it too but honest. My mom got upset and cut me off and I treid to explain and she says she gets it but her tone doesn't indicate she does. She went off on how out of all her three daughters she's just wanted one close to her and she guesses that is just her disappointment in life and how when she likes something or someone I just do the opposite so she should know better than to say anything. I told her it was just who I am and I can't and won't change that and she said she didn't expect me to and she was in tears and said its just how life is. She left to go to lunch with my father and I broke down.

No, I'm not close to her and neither are my sisters but there is a reason. I see it and I know I can't tell her. She wouldn't understand and even if she did, it would just hurt her. She has never been there for me. She has tried but when there is something truly wrong going on and I am in pain, she is not there. I don't think she's capable of it as much as she would like to be. My oldest sister was molested by a family friend. They didn't believe her. They were friends with him still and he lived with us for years. My other sister was raped and my mother didn't believe her and made her tell our father and she told me before my sister told me. She always expected too much of my sisters, not realizing they were children. And for me, that family friend started liking me too. I trusted him and told him everything. I was hurt after that and she didn't realize it. I told her something had happened but it was never mentioned and when he is talked about it is how wonderful he was and when they got a wedding invitation from him two years later, they were so happy. I even blew up at them for it and they seemed to realize the day he left and then they were just blind. She was never there for me to talk when I said I was depressed. She tried but couldn't. She wants me to be her perfect daughter because I'm her last chance. She's always expected I would be and now, I disappoint her. Or when I left the house for two days, I kind of ranaway, I told them why. I was depressed and my father hit me repeatedly, the only time he has, and they both said very hurtful things. I thought they understood. The next year, she thought I was just stressed out from school. I can't be close to someone who has let me down and who I can't trust. Whenever I try to explain, they don't get it.

 And so she leaves in tears and there isn't much I can do. I don't want to hurt her. I have to be myself and I have to be allowed the freedom to make my own choices. I can't have her forcing her views on me or her expectations. I am myself, not who she wants me to be.