aXmillionXpieces's Journal

It's been a while since I've been on. I've had so little time and have been trying to get through everything on my own. It's all I can really do. Things have been a lot better although there are times when I struggle and fight to not be depressed and get myself in that mindset. I don't expect anyone to read this. I haven't been on or been there for people on this site in forever. I just need to write this all down.

I found out something tonight and it surprised me but it didn't. The situation itself is no surprise. I'm quite familiar with it, although not to the same exent in my own experience. It's the one specific person that I couldn't believe. I didn't want to believe it. 

My high school English teacher, who was my favorite teacher and my speech and debate coach for four years was having a sexual relationship with at least one girl that I know. I respected him. I looked up to him and thought he was a great guy. I babysat for him. He was so much fun. He would play random songs on the way to tournaments and that's how I started liking music. My favorite book was one he told me about. And now this. 

It's so disappointing how every man I respect turns out to be like this. I won't lie. I am afraid to meet with male professors, have a male advisor, or ask any adult male for advice. I am afraid that what always happens will happen. Becuase just when I think I can respect and trust someone that man betrays that. But I know it's not fair to expect that so I try not to but I feel I have to be so cautious nonetheless.

Just hearing about this made me realize something although it is too late. That teacher no matter what was at fault. She was his student and much too young for him. He can make up whatever excuses he'd like but it doesn't change reality. I blamed myself that my other coach liked me and obviously wanted that kind of relationship. I didn't turn him in. I didn't even think about it. I should have. He could have been my father and I was 17.

Why is it that every man wants something from you? I joke with my friends about how whenever we go out I get into awkward situations where men hit on me. But it still bugs me. Seriously, at train stations, on buses, walking to the mailroom, at Taco Bell, at a haunted house one of the actors! Those guys don't know me so what is it they want? Well, they make that pretty clear. It's degrading and sometimes I feel that no matter how well I do or how far I get I will always be looked at and treated in that manner. And sure, I made a huge mistake when I first got here but I learned from it. I realized I don't want to be some hook up. It's stupid and not me. I want to be known and treated for who I am not what some guy wants from me. Is that too much to ask? But who is it that is respectable? Because every man I think I can trust or that I should trust just turns out to be the opposite of what I thought. 

I've been trying so hard to make everything better. But as the summer has worn on, more and more and more has gone wrong. At first, I was able to fight against it all and then it became too much. I wouldn't say I'm depressed. I feel that way though. I don't want to do anything. I have no desire to read or paint or hang out with friends or do scholarship essays or anything. I hope things will be better when I get to school. This town just doesn't have much for me.

And it's been one thing after another. My parents have been sick. The doctors don't know what is wrong with my mother. My dad has carpal-tunnel in his wrists. Then they get cranky and mad at me and each other. They've been better lately though. I hate being in this town. My friend overdosed. I've been working two jobs. Our dog was paralyzed and had to have surgery and is still recovering. A friend of mine's father died. I've been feeling so depressed and wanting to cut. Another friend of mine is mad at me and I'm supposed to finish a painting for her. I don't even know if we're friends. I hit a lady's car while I was parking and have to pay her $800. I'm actually freaking out about going to school. 

I don't know. My friend overreacted about the painting, thinking it was different than she wanted. And that was because she was mad at me thinking that my other friends take priority and that I'm not there for her. I was there when her dog died and she had issues with her roommate. Yes, when her grandmother was diagnosed with cancer, I called the next day but only because I couldn't be there for her at that moment. Sometimes we have to set limits and be there when we can. She told me that and now... And our religious views clash and that's hard.  I don't even know if we are friends anymore. She wasn't written me back for a few days. Whatever. 

I'm just so scared to go to a completely new place. I haven't told anyone this. I'm afraid that if I am depressed, then it won't get better if I go to a new place. I don't want to put all my hope in that because that isn't right. I have to be okay no matter where I am and I'm not right now. I don't know, everyone expects great things of me, that I'm going to be so successful and "go places." I wish I could be so sure. 

I need space. Distance. Less heavy stuff. But how to say that? Saying that is easy it's how it's taken that's the hard part. My friend who a few weeks back or maybe a month overdosed is completely draining me. She calls me so often and it's never just to talk. it's always about the heavy problems going on in her life. I want to be there for her but there are some things she has to get through alone. She depends so much on other people and it's not only exhausting for them, it's also damaging for her because if they aren't there, she's screwed. We talked about this when I visited her and I thought she understood it. She may but she doesn't act on it.

I feel like right now our relationship is one sided. It seems like I've always had to be there for her and I don't know how much longer I can do that. I mean my life is not going well right now. It's hell. My parents are constantly mad at each other and me. My mom is having health problems and things are always tense. I work two jobs and am starting a new school and I have so much to do. it's like she calls me last night and goes on and on about her problems and doesn't even ask about what's going on in my life or what I've been doing. I spent over 150 dollars to go see her plus I had to take time off work, which is more money lost. She didn't help me pay for it. She always says she doesn't have money but she gets paid more per hour than me and probably works more hours. Instead she spends $100 on clothes and now she's talking about seeing me but she says she won't have the money to do anything. I guess this wouldn't all bug me so much it's just I feel with everything and I mean everything, it's all so inconsiderate. 

I'm trying my best to be there for her but all I want to do is leave. It's too much and it seems there comes a point in time when it can all get to be too much. If I had some distance from her, I don't think I'd feel this way. I need space. But she called again today like twice and will probably call again tomorrow. And I don't even want to talk to her. Is that terrible?