dragonflydazd's Journal

well, it is day 217 and counting.  woohoo go me!!!!!  a year ago, i never thought i would be here at this point.  looking back, i am seeing what a journey this is.  in some ways i am an emotional wreck and in other ways very liberated. i know i can never drink again or it will be the end of me and my family.  slowly i am finding alternatives to solving my own life issues other than alcohol.  it will always be a battle but hopefully one with more ups than downs.

getting up in the morning is a pleasure, something i enjoy and actually try to do early now.  no more hangovers, no more dreading waking up wondering what the hell i did or said the night before.  i find i am not crying all the time and the suicidal thoughts and tendency have subsided.  i am not sure what it is about today but i am feeling stronger.  (for this moment anyway lol)  

this past week or maybe two weeks, i have been slowly weaning out the people in my life that have been so toxic for me.  it has been difficult and stressful to say the least, since many i have had in my life for some time and love dearly.  i probably always will.  to say i will miss them is an understatement but there is too much bullshit and caos attached to them, not to mention drama and conflict.  is this liberating?  for me in a way yes and in a way it has been the most difficult decision and steps in my recovery that i have had to make this far.  i think this is even more difficult than stopping drinking, if that is at all possible.  

perhaps being sober has been an eyeopener for me.  realizing i am stronger than i think emotionally, although at times it may not feel like it.  once upon a time i would have panicked and fallen apart to lose the people i now realize are toxic but now i just find it sad.  i am seeing my life and my husband differently i think.  i suppose that is the next part of my journey, to try to find in my marriage, what i saw in it for most of the 23years i have been married.  i have no one to blame except myself for what direction i have gone and in a lot of ways i regret that because my husband is loving, kind, supportive, patient, honest, trustworthy.  he doesnt go out to bars drinking or pick up women in fact other than his interests he is home.  i have lost sight of what i really have in my life and i wish i could get back the past 5 years of my life but i cant.  i can only start today.  in some ways i suppose this is my do-over?  i hope i can find those feelings inside myself that i once had for my  husband.  to fall in love again.  

for so long now i have had someone telling me the opposite and i let that happen.  that my husband was someone other than what i know he is.  that this person loved me more than anyone could love another person.  i realize now that is not true and i suppose in a lot of ways i blame alcoholism and my drunkeness as well as how an alcoholic things on what has happened and as i said, being sober now for over 7 months has been an eye opener.  i have been a fool.  i find that very humiliating and embarassing to say the least and i do have regrets.  so often i was made to feel guilty but i dont feel guilty now.  i have my family and friends surrounding me and how these toxic "friends" react or behave is not in my control.  i have to do what i have to do, even if it is a very difficult choice.  

one sad part of all this is that i feel i have become bitter, angry and unhappy.  that is not who i am or who i was anyway.  i feel like i never smile anymore and that happiness is out of my reach.  like i was never meant to be happy.  i am trying so desperately to find that again. i can only hope that living one minute, one hour, one day at a time i will slowly find that again.  i want to be that person i used to be before all this got so out of control.  i want to be independent, strong, happy, outgoing, talented, creative and outspoken about things i believe in.  to be me as well as being a mother and a wife.  goals?  

well that is my venting for this monday but i am sure i will have more later.  i need to start using my journal more often.  perhaps that will release some of this anger and bitterness i am carrying around.  

here's to another day sober and one moment at a time

always

dragonfly