dragonflydazd's Journal

well i start my holidays tomorrow and we are off to the cottage.  i need to get the hell away from here.  i am hoping that this week away is going to be the next step of moving forward in my life.  i am finding this time in my life, at this moment, it's the hardest thing i have faced.  moving on.  in a way i am scared, lonely and feeling very incomplete.  i'm hoping this year, this holiday, that will change things for me.  i desperately need, and want, to reconnect with my husband again.  i suppose like most, i want to feel the feelings i had when i met him and married him.  fuck i feel so lost.  i'm to old to be trying to "find" myself.  my life has been in complete turmoil for the past 3 1/2 years and it feels like what i was involved with had just ended abruptly and i am not sure how to deal with that.  i know what i HAVE to do, it's the doing.  that makes me feel very weak and sad.  i used to be so strong and now i feel like that strength has been sucked out of me.  someone playing rent free in my head is exactly what has been going on i suppose and that is very humiliating when i think hard about it.  how does one get past anger and humiliation mixed with love and guilt?  how fucked up is my life, it's pathetic. i am truly amazed how one person could affect my life so drastically that i am now feeling totally dysfunctional.  worst part being he could be dead now and i have no fucking idea.  perhaps thats best.

one thing i do know and i am sticking with this, is that i WILL NOT drink.  if anything, at this point, almost 6 months of sobriety isnt worth messing up.  i feel like i have fucked up my life so much now i dont want to fuck up sobriety as well.  

i just want to be happy.  i'm not sure i have ever been truly happy except for a very brief period.  damn.   

i am so damn confused and on such an emotional rollar coaster i just want it all to end...................

always

dragonfly