sheila1's Journal

Just when I think I am accepting mama's death a little easier, today it hits home again with a bang. I dreamt about her Friday and Saturday night, so I guess it started me thinking again.

Also,  I have been in so much pain lately, I haven't been able to go out except to the doctors.  I guess that hasn't been good for me either. Too much time to think. Wednesday was one of the longest days I have spent in a long time.  I hadn't slept much because of the neck pain, so I didn't have much energy to do anything except lay on the sofa and sleep most of the day off and on. The worse part was when I would wake up, it was only an half hour to an hour later. George was at work and didn't get home until 7:30 pm and I heard from no one all day.I was really having a pity party as I didn't see any end in sight to the pain and I felt that no one really cared. Not that I wanted someone to pity and wait on me hand and foot, but I started remembering again how when I would be down with pain, mama was always there for me. Now mama is gone and at times I just feel lost. The week ahead is filled with nothing but doctor visits and I have made up my mind that for this year I am going to speak up to these doctors and get the answers I so badly need in order to feel somewhat better.  I know there isn't a cure for this, but someone out there has got to be able to do something. I went from a person who was working over 40 hours a week, socializing every weekend with family and friends, shopping with mama on the weekends, having what my youngest son, Mike, called the Sunday buffett, very independent, always taking care of someone else to someone I didn't even recognize. All this happened in the blink of an eye when I was hit head on my a 17 year old girl who failed to yield the right a way.  I guess it is good that I don't remember anything about the accident,but I do know who was standing over me in the hospital when I came too and one of the first faces I saw was mama, who start to cry when she saw that I was wake.

Funny thing happened when I was looking at a book today.  A yellow posted note fell out of it where mama had written the name of a doctor and phone number for me to see early last year. She had gotten the name of this doctor from someone at the hospital she worked at.  I didn't go see that doctor last year, but tomorrow I am going to make an appoitnment. It may be another dead end, but I don't think God had that little piece of paper to fall in my lap for nothing. I do believe it was a sign from Him and mama. She was always talking to nurses and doctors trying to find something that might help me, even though she had just gone through breast cancer surgery herself.  

I do look back on the pain mama was in those last few weeks and God did bless her by taking her home. She also had gone from such a vibrant woman to a shell of a person I'm sure she wouldn't have recognized if given a mirror. 

Mama had always encouraged me NOT to give up and I won't. I just need God to bless me and give me the strength for the days ahead.

Mama I believe you can hear me, so remember I LOVE YOU AND YOU ARE MISSED SO MUCH.