Join Now
What a strange world I’ve entered, one that I never knew existed never mind that I would enter it. This world has laws of its own, but they are not laws to be kept. If I dare to keep the laws and not fight against them then I will truly be trapped in this world for ever. It is a world like no other. My mind can barely comprehend it. This world inflicts its imagery on me without my permission. These imageries are like bores and bury themselves into my mind. There seems to be no way of escaping them. The images are invasive and vivid. They taunt me day and night. They call my name and try to trap my mind. They are strong, much stronger than I could ever imagine. I begin to see the blade of a knife brush against my skin, back and forth, back and forth. Then I sink the blade of the knife into my skin and out pours bright red streaks. They look like an abstract painting that I have painted onto my skin. As the bright red streaks flow from where the blade has pierced my skin, they make intriguing patterns. The warmth of the flow entices me to draw the blade against my skin, piercing it again and again and again. As I’m soaking up the bright red streaks with a tissue, it makes unique and thought provoking patterns. The sensation I feel when the blood runs down my arm is unusually calming. It’s then that I realise I have entered a world that I never knew existed. Images of bright red streaks flowing from my body become obsessive. They haunt me during the day and through to the evening when I cannot stand to resist the command they bring anymore. Once again the blade of the knife brushes against my skin. The sensation of the blade running over my skin is almost euphoric. Slowly I draw the blade across my skin, sinking into my flesh to let the bright red streaks flow. As the blood pours from the wounds on my arms, I sit and stare at them for what seems like the longest time. At this very time I have entered another world. Pain doesn’t exist, only calm does the wounds bring. The images that follow are far more frightening. They are the ones that I don’t want to even acknowledge. They are so strong and seem to have a will of their own. Again they are invasive and vivid. They are also terror. This world that I hover in and out of wants me forever. It wants me to give my life to it. It invades my mind with images of a glorious death. It taunts me and tells me that things will never improve. It fixes images in my mind of sitting on my bed with every pill I possess spread out on my white doona cover. It speaks to me. Over and over it tells me that it will be ok, it will be ok, only if you take the pills it will be ok. The thoughts are haunting. I feel fear at my door. I discern this world is hostile. This is not a world of calm and peace. It lies to me and promises things that it cannot deliver. The struggle is ever so strong. I feel as though I am in a battle fighting for my life, fighting for my freedom. It is a hideous strain on my mind and body. I read psalms and proverbs to bring me strength to get through another day. I do everything within my power to fight but most of the time it feels like a loosing battle. This world is heavy and drags me down. The weight of it crushes me. I cannot breathe. It torments me and entices me at the same time. Somehow it manages to grab my attention long enough to draw me into its bizarre demands. I fall right into its arms and do almost exactly what it tells me to do. But there is some fight in me somewhere. It’s deep, deep down inside of me. I’m screaming for someone to save me and show me the way out. This is the tricky part, there is only one way out and I have to find it myself. I will find the way out. I will not be stuck here forever. No matter how hard this world that I never knew existed impresses its self upon me, I am stronger than it and I will prevail. I have salvation in Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit within me to raise myself from the dead. That’s how I feel right now – dead. The images will continue to come. They will continue to entice me. They will continue to lie to me and tell me that the only way I can receive peace, is to firstly slice open my body and let the blood flow, then secondly to take every single pill I possess. This world will continue to attempt to draw me into its trap and kept me there. But that’s not where I belong. I am worth so much more than that. Psalm 139 1 O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. 2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. 5 You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. 7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. 13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. 17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! 18 Were I to count them; they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. Psalm 121 1 I look up to the mountains; does my strength come from mountains? 2 No, my strength comes from God, who made heaven, and earth, and mountains. 3 He won't let you stumble; your Guardian God won't fall asleep. 4 Not on your life! Israel's Guardian will never doze or sleep. 5 God's your Guardian, right at your side to protect you - 6 shielding you from sunstroke, sheltering you from moonstroke. 7 God guards you from every evil; he guards your very life. 8 He guards you when you leave and when you return, he guards you now, he guards you always.
Comments
I hope you can reach out to others for the help you need to get out of this awful place. I hope you never give into those ugly thoughts. Death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Try to focus on the good and positive and the here and now. Let go of past mistakes that helped you learn along your journey and stop those anxious thoughts of the future that you can't control. You can talk to me on the site. I truely am glad that you are reaching out and are able to rely on your Faith to see you thorugh also. I care about you friend, please release some of the burden onto me cuz I care.
empathy