Pennyphone's Journal

My son will be leaving early tomorrow morning. Two weeks has not been nearly enough time to spend with him. I am grateful for the time we have had, but we normally have a month together.

I know there is no way his father will ever let him live with me and my son doesn't want me to move back to Indiana because he loves it so much out here.  I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

We have to get up at 5:30am to go to the airport in the morning. I'm going to try hard to not cry too much in front of him.  I also hate flying and it bothers me to put him on a plane. God, please keep him safe in his travel home.

I have no clue what I will do tomorrow after he leaves.  I guess I will come home and try not to lose it. Try not to look around and see where his stuff was.  Sleep in his bed and never wash the sheets so he still feels like he is here in some way.  

Then on Monday I head back to work where I know I will be distracted with saddness from missing him. I work at a non profit that helps needy moms with baby essentials. Alot of the people who work there are moms and have little kids. I feel jealous of them sometimes because I'm a mom and I'm not doing my job. I hate feeling jealous. I hate hating.  

Sometimes I wish I could have another child so Max can have a brother or sister, but my partner doesn't want children and I'm propbubly too old at this point.  Although another child, will not make me stop missing my child less.

I'm sure there aren't many divorced moms who let their kids live with their father, I feel like a freak of nature and when people ask me if I have kids, they must imagine to themselves "how could a mother not be with her child"  Of course it's a long story about bipolar disorder, me being sick and poor and Dad being the better choice.

I do know I have given my son experiences he will always treasure and maybe soon, college here in Washington will bring us close together.

For the next week or so, you all are probubly gonna see me feeling pretty bad.

....but I have today and today is all that matters.