springer's Journal

It's been 1 of those days

I don't know what to say about all of this stuff that has happned. I found out that my mama called here today. I called her back at her work and she said she would call me back and she hasn't yet. I called not because she called me but because I thought it might be about Haven. I don't know really what to say about missing her because it's a touchy subject. I really wish things could have worked out because she is my mother no matter what. I guess things happen for a reason. I have been trying to find answers but sometimes you can't ever find what you are looking for. I have found out that it's easier to forgive her than just forget her but it's different this time. I think about her everyday and never say anything to anyone about her. I want to forget what she has done but it's not that easy. I think about how she used to be and all I can do is smile. I know that her drug addiction has taken over her life but someone has to be there for her. I've always been her friend and by not talking to her I am trying to show her I am her daughter not her friend. I never asked to be her friend I am the daughter not a friend. I would rather be nothing than be her friend. It's to hard to watch her kill herself little by little. I think about what could have been if her and my dad stayed together and kept Haley and I but nothing would have turned out. I miss the hugs and I love you's and the i'll talk to you tomorrow's. I don't have any of those anymore. I have memories and some pictures and that is better than nothing. I wish that I could just forget the past but I can't forget what has already happened. I think that they made the right choice by letting Haley and I go but sometimes I wonder. I think about how I am almost grown and they aren't around watching and learning more about me everyday. It hasn't been easy not talking to her and sometimes I cry myself to sleep and think about her and her smell. I think of my daddy holding me when I would go stay with him and how much fun I had. That was good times that no longer happen and I wish that they did. It's ok that they are in different places with they're life but my life has taken a change for the better. I miss them both but it's a touchy subject so I don't talk about it much. I figure that if I let god handle it then maybe 1 day I will pick up the phone and she will be better. I love them but it's still not over. I am letting it go and letting god deal with it so I can rest.