acuriousfish's Journal

Why Santa Claus is Bipolar – a doctor writes.  

Hello, everyone. My name is Dr Peter Mandrake and I’ve been asked by the good people at DS to beef up the medical muscle on the forums. (Covertly slips copy of “Struck off Medic Weekly” into a copy of “Rubber Monthly”).  I’d like to start with explaining why Santa Claus is bipolar.  

We all know of course that he suffers from OCD. It’s documented in that song, the line“he’s making a list, he’s checking it once, he’s checking it twice” is a giveaway. Just think about how large that list must be, with every child on it. Then think about the effort involved in checking it not just once, but twice.  

Now before I go onto the main subject, I suggest we get on with the examination.   Say “aaah” please. I said say “aaaah”. I’m not continuing this until you do. Everyone is waiting. Do you want everyone else to have to wait? Thankyou.  

If you would go behind the screen and strip off. What? “There is nothing wrong with me and I would rather not” Oh really? Who is the medical professional here? Do you have a diploma from a prestigious non accredited medical school on your wall? Have you been the subject of not one, not two but three medical enquiries? I thought not.  

Now..oh ignore the video camera, it’s not on. No, the winking red light means it’s off.   

Right Santa Claus. One night he goes out into the cold wearing a funny costume and he breaks into every house in the world where there are children and leaves loads of expensive gifts. All in one night. Oh hello, sound familiar?  Then he hides away for the rest of the year and sees no one.  

 I expect he wakes up on Christmas morning think “how on earth do I pay for all that crap?” and “is a sex toy an appropriate gift?” 

Santa, if you are reading this. Please get in touch. Send me a message. We are here for you. I am here for you. I am here for as long as you need, as long as it takes to heal, as long as it takes the check to clear.  

I hope that this has been of help to other people in DS. I will be back in future until the restraining order comes into effect.  

Dr Mandrake has left the building (with his jacket over his head).