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Had a good weekend until, I got the news that his new girlfriends were at the house, see he has moved in this dude, who is more or less, a male whore, he is almost 20 yrs younger, than the stbx, and they are just partying it up! I know it shouldnt bother me, but the ink isnt even dry and there you are having them at my house, and from what he told me, he has been single for awhile, he just never brought them home! why this upsets me, I dont know, I should be enjoying my new life, but here I sit with tears in my eyes! it makes me so angry that he gets to just be a sperm doner, not a dad, he gets to be the fun one, I have to make the mad, when I tell them no they cant do something, or listen to them tell me that dad is the fun one! of course he is he sees you only 2 times a month! I feel like am in over my head, I try so hard to be the good parent, I want them to grow up and be good people, but they are just having such a hard time now, the anger towards me, kills me, I know they are hurting, and am trying my best, but it isnt working, and he doesnt help any at all, he is just fun and games,. If the kids knew half of what i know, they would see him differently, but I cant tell them anything, I cant do that to my kids, they love their father, and they will have to see the other stuff on their own, there is just so much on my plate, am having to deal with my own pain, of why he left me, then dealing with their pain, of losing their father, and what if he looses his job, or just desides, not to go to work, or what if he just ups and leaves! his child supports pays for this house, I hate depending on him, but that is reality. What if I cant do this? what if I fail, I have 3 kids who count on me, and sometimes it is all I can do it get out of bed! I try to stay strong, but sometimes it just all gets to me. I have wonderful friends who are always there, but they have families, and I hate bothering them, so most of the time am alone, I have no family here, the kids like to go to his house on the weekends so they can ride their bikes, so atleast one of the days, they are there, I tried to use it as sometime alone, but that is when my mind starts to think and worry about everything. The furture sometimes scares me, what if I dont find anyone, right now am just so numb, I dont feel,and what if I never get over this, I know trusting someone isnt going to be easy, or letting anyone near me isnt going to me either, It feels like am ruin for ever. and he had no problem starting his new life! and why it gets to me, makes me so angry at myself, WHy cant I just completeing let go!!!!
Comments
These are all good questions and things to think about but you can do this. I know it's more than you can handle sometimes but God will give you the strength every day if you ask Him. Anger is part of what you have to deal with. You have every right to be angry. He left you. He hurt you. He's not being responsible with the kids and the list goes on. It's ok to feel your pain and anger. Let it out, cry, it all helps. I'd get back to counseling as well. They can help you with your anger and how to deal with your kids and help them through it. I'm sending tons of hugs to you, my friend.
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