julies3's Journal

I talked to him today, we talked about how we are going to settle this (marrage) he started out by saying that he still loves me, and will always take care of me and the kids, but he knows that , am not happy, that he makes me misable,  and he doesnt want to do that anymore, and that he doesnt want the kids to have to leave this house either, but we may not have a choice, if he does come back all we will do is fight, right now we just dont see eye to eye. he said , that by fla law, that if I wanted to stay in this house, he would have to pay the house payment and child support, but that would leave him liveing in his truck, so he asked that I please not do that to him, he offered to give me half his retirment, which is 30,000 and pay child support, of 12,oo a month, which is fair, but I would have to sign over the house, but see the house is unsellable, because of the sinking of it. but what I dont understand is how he can afford to live in this house and pay me child support, but he cant do both for me, and the kids, that I cant figure out, he much have someone , going to move in here with him. I didnt ask and he didnt tell, I said that if getting divorce is what he really wanted that I would be on vaction in a couple of weeks and we would go to the court house and sign the  papers, fast and easy. He said that he wanted us to be best friends again, to be able to raise our children together, and he doesnt want to hurt me again, he kept saying that,.   he asked me why am I having such a hard time with this,  I said that he fell out of love long ago, but even though we were having problems I never stopped loving him, and that is what a having to deal with, not loving someone who I have loved for 19 yrs of my life, and having to deal with the kids, and their hurt, I said I not trying to make you feel guitly or get you mad , but you only deal with them for 2 hrs on the weekend or talk to them for 5 mins anight, I deal with them all the time, I deal with their hurt feelings their anger, and the tears, and it is tearing me apart, I cant believe am causing them so much pain, the guilt is killing, and that is probably why am trying so hard to hang on to you, am not a dumb person, I know it is not worth it , to hang on to someone who doesnt love you, but for the kids sake, i was trying to make this work, he said maybe one day it would,  but fo right now the fighting needs to stop, and I agreed, that I need to let go,  we agreed to talk again once my moms vistit ends, and the kids get out of school. we will sit down and discuss things again, but for right now,I need to work on letting him go ,a  thinking about what "deal " is better for me to take, He even said he would help me, look for a new place to live, what I cant figure out is why he wants this house so bad, that is something I will have to look into, I didnt say much when I talked to him, but something just doesnt sit right!!!