julies3's Journal

I tried to go to bed, but the tears just started to fall, I dont know why am crying over somone who  doesnt want me, and at times is mean to me. I feel like I cant do this, I dont see the light at the end of the tunnel, and even though I know what needs to be done, I cant bring myself to do it, It just hurts to much, I cant get the tears to stop, from falling, I cant keep hopeing he will walk though that door, the future scares me, I have never been alone, I went from living with my parents to living with him, I never had to totally take care of myself, there was always a saftly net, but now that is gone, what happens if I cant do this? what happens if I fall apart totally, am so loney now, I cant image what the furture will hold>  I guess for years he told me I couldnt do anything for myself, so now I believe it,  he says he doesnt want me, and nobody else will either, I guess I believe it too,  I have never but myself first, it was my kids (still is) and then him, and then me, and when it got to me, there wasnt much left. I dont know how to do it, I dont know how to trust my own judgement, never had to, he made all the desions, and now I cant even trust myself. I dont even love myself, I keep going over in my head what I could of done different, what didnt I do? why did he fall out of love with me? how did I f**k this all up,.  did I relied to much on him, did I drive him away?   I know I tell myself to be strong, and I can even tell you what I need to do to end this, shit I even have a plan, but these thoughts, still go though my head, and my heart is still breaking.  I didnt just mess up my life, and messing up my kids, tooo!!!!  If i would of just kept my mouth shut, and didnt kick him out, he wouldnt be so hell bent on making my life a living hell, and my kids wouldnt have to pay for it, I cant afford to stay here, even with child support, I will have to move them from, this house with a big yard, and a pool, to some little apartment, they wont be able to have the dogs, or their own rooms, or even the 4 wheeler,or motorcyle. they will have to give those things up, because I couldnt just keep my mouth shut, and left things the way they were, atleast they had a father then, I feel so guilty for doing it to them, I cant even look at them in the face,  it just breaks my heart, they have already gone though so much, and now I will be putting them though even more. they mean the world to me, and I know am hurting them, and for that I cant forgive myself!  they deserve so much more. I cnat believe my kids have to pay for my mistakes!!!! for them I would sell my soul to the devil, and let me tell you, that is what it would take for him to walk back though that door!  I do turn to God for guildness, but it just seems like more is getting  added., there isnt much more I can take!  I just feel like this is my fault I know the marrage failing with us both, but I could just kept my mouth shut, and my feelings to myself, my kids wouldnt be going though hell, and neither would I !!!  this is all killing me, I just cant seem to keep it together, all I want to do is crawl into bed, and pull the covers over my head, and pray for all this to be over. I dont have the engery to fight him anymore, emotionally am at my end, I just dont have anymore fight in me. Iam still comming to terms with ~ how after 19 yrs you just fall out of love  with someone, or how you can say such mean and hateful things to that person, it just rips me apart, I cant believe he just walked away, and wont even look back, he doesn care if am upset, doesnt care if I cry myself to sleep, doesnt care that this is killing me inside, or even what it is doing to his kids, he just wants me gone, said I made him misable for 19 yrs, says I never gave anything to him, or did anything for him, it was all him!!!! I never did anything, I never worked or took care of him or the kids, never even paid one bill! I know it is bs, and I know he is telling himself that to ease his own guilt , but it still hurts to know thats how he sees me, as some leach, (and yes I have been called that). I never thought I would be in this state, never thought he could bring me down this bad, never thought I would have such a hard time walking away , from someone who doesnt love me> I thought it would be different , I thought he would come to his senses and realize that his family met something to him, but no!!!! drinking and partying does, not us!!! and now I have to uproot my kids, break their hearts, because we all know he wont go a file, then he wouldnt to be able to blame the whole damm thing, on me ! am the bitch remember, am the one who kicked him out, and now I will be the one who goes after his money, and files for divorce. see that is how he able to look himself in the mirror, other wise he wouldnt be able too!  I just wanted to write my feeling down, it hopes I could get them out of my mind, and I would be able to sleep!