julies3's Journal

today, I have to go a spend time with him and his family, I  will be going to a wake for his uncle who was close to the both of us and to our kids, So I have been talking to myself all day, making sure I keep my emotions to myself and keep my mouth shut!!!  I had to call him today,  to find out what time we are going to meet, and if we were going to go as a family or by ourselves, we are going as a family, but  no happy mothers day nothing, he didnt even take the kids yesterday to get me anything from them, I dont know why this surprises me, I knew he wouldnt, just so he could hurt me more, that seems to be his main plan these days, but I didnt say a word, just answered his dumb questions, and never said anything about mothers day, and boy he go a attadude I guess he thought I would be upset, about the mothers day thing, but I didnt show it to him, and when his plan didnt work he got pissed!!!!I cnat believe I have to deal with this, I cant for the life of me figure out what I still see in him, why I would ever want him back in my life, why am finding it so hard to just go and end this?   I know i fear that I will be alone, and I think if he doesnt love me nobody else will,  I mean lets face it am 39 yrs old, 3 kids, am not real high on the dating market! lol   but all jokes aside, am still having such a hard time with this, I mean I know what kind of person he is , and I know I dont want that kind of person in my life, I know what kind of man I want and it is not him!  sometimes it feels like am trying to get over this too fast, like am not allowing myself to grieve, I want to me though with these feelings, I want to be happy again, and it makes me mad that am unable to get to that point right now!!!  my emotions for him still, at times get the best of me, am still unable to say goodbye to him, still unable to move on! and that bugs me to no end!!!! but I know am  doing what is best for me right now, it will just take time, and alot of crying!!!!