julies3's Journal

He called today, and told me he wouldnt not be able to by the house payment on his own, so I either come up with half of the money, or it doesnt get paid,  so here it is the thing I knew was going to happen, the jerk,  I knew his anger towards me, would get the best of him, and it has. He said that all this was my fault, because I kicked him out, I said I didnt just wake up one mornining a deside to kick you out, you have been lieing and hiding stuff from me for months, and I finally had enough, and you should know that because you have been reading my journal, he did say he had,  and I said well its prett damm sad, that you used the emotions I still have for you againist me,  and he gave me the same song and dance, about how he gave so much for 19 yrs, and how he spoiled me, and how I never learned to take care of myself, well I never did because you wanted control of everything, and all I did was try and please you all the time, I was so afraid if I made you mad, or didnt agree with your desions, that you  would leave me, and I would have nothing, and you knew that, you knew I was afraid of loosing you, you knew my insurceies, and you  used them againist me, you took  every chance you had , to make me feel like I was nothing, like I did nothing for you or for this family for 19 yrs, all I did was suck the life out of you, and you have every right to hate me, I took 19 yrs of your life away from you and now it is your time to find someone who is better, it is your  time to enjoy your life, not to be at home with your family, and as you said why would you want to be with someone who is just so unhappy! is that what you  wanted to hear, does that make you feel better about yourself, does that help you be able to look at yourself in the mirror, I have already said I was sorry for what ever you feel I did to ruin this marrage, I had made it clear to you, that I would of done anything to save this, and still it wasnt good enough for you, you are still angry and bitter, and still think for some reason I need to pay for what I did, (kicking  him out) and until you feel I have paid,  you are going to contie to  do this to me, you know I still have love for you,  but again, it is not good enough,  he really didnt say much I guess he didnt think I would stand up for myself, for years I never did,  I just took his bullshit, and thought , well this is the way my life is going to be,   He did say, that for years I kept my mouth shut, and never said a word, would never stand up for myself, just allowed him to treat me the way he treated  me, and now I do stand up for myself, and he doesnt like it, I know that my life is getting better, with him not here , I know I can stand on my own, and raise my kids by myself,. he does see that am not the same person, I was, and am sure that is part of the reason he is so angry, he Knows he can no longer make me less of a person,  he can play on my insurcies anymore,  Now I just need to figure out how am going to pay for this house, but I know with  prayer, that I will see this though too!