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I am hopeing that writting down my feelings, will somehow help me deal with them. For the last few days it has felt like I have hit a brick wall! All these feelings and emotions, that have been hiding or that I have been holding back have all come to the surface, and I having a hard time dealing with them. I know it has alot to deal with, my fear of being alone, I have spent 19 yrs of my life with someone , who at the end turned out to be someone who I didnt want to spend another 19 yrs with, but I have never been alone, and even when my marrage was falling apart, there was still someone there. I am haveing a hard dealing with this new life, I never thought I would be 39 yrs old, and raising 3 kids on my own, it scares the hell out of me, what if I cant do this, what if I disappoint my kids. They miss their old lives, they miss their home, and their friends, and sometimes I have no idea what to say to them, I know they miss their dad, but there is doing that I can do , he doesnt call, them or hardly ever sees them, and the guilt is eating me up, I never wanted to do this to my kids, it breaks my heart when my son crys because he cant play with his old friends, but there is nothing I can do, the ex doesnt want them at his house unless it is his weekend. I am trying to stay strong for them, but I have been dealing with my own emotions too. I scared that I will always have this dead feeling inside, and that no one will ever love me again, the loneiness is killing me, and it feels like this depressed state I am in will never go away. I try telling myself, that it will just take time, and things will get better, but the more time goes by , the more I lose hope. I dont even think I could even try to but myself out there again, the fear of rejection, is too strong. I just wish I could be happy again, but it seems like am loosing hope on that too
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well things have been okay, walking into my new home still seems so surreal to me, I never thought I would be raising 3 kids all by myself. Things have been going okay with them, I haveing been dealing with my sons anger much better, I am being pation with them, and listening to his feelings. He is really hurt, about leaving his dad, he know he is all alone, and he feels sad when he is not there with him, I tell him that he can spend as much time with his dad, as he wants, but the thing is the ex doesnt want the kids there much, it cuts into his parting time, so when my son is told no, I have to deal with his anger, but I have told the ex that if our son wants to come over , and you dont want him, too then you tell him no, then atleast my son knows it is me, keeping him from his dad. I had to go and get them from the exs house on saturday night, My daughters dont feel safe with the jerks new room mate there, and to tell you the truth I dont either, but I had to play the game the jerks way first, and let the kids make up their own mind, they had a wonderful day with just their dad, but when the evening came it was time to party and he didnt want them there so I got the phone call, that they wanted to come home, but I called the kids and they didnt. so tuff shit they stayed, until the dude he lives with walked into a room, that my daughter where in without knocking and demanded to know what my daughter was doing, so then I went to get them, and until he works something out to where that dude isnt there at night when my kids are there, they will not spend the night. and the next day, do you think he called to find out if the kids were? no there was partying to do, so that came first. I know that one day he will reget this, but dealing with my kids being disappoint by him is killing me, and of course I am the one who is turning the kids againist him, nothing is his fault! but it is .
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You know. You are doing all you can. Working with the X to keep the kids involved in his life. Good for you for getting the kids when they were uncomfortable. You are doing good. I know it's tough, but I think you see that for now, this is how it's going to be. You never know about the future but you have to deal with the present. Keep up the good work.
the last 2 days have really been a emotional rollercoaster for me! but the sad thing is I think am doing it to myself. I know that he has moved on, and that he has made his choices, but why cant I just except it, and move on, why should what he is doing in his life bother me. why worry about someone, who does give a shit about you, why is letting go for me so hard. He said today, that I want him back, those words made me take a step back and think for a moment, why was I still trying to make him feel guitly for leaving this family? I can see he is falling in a hole, and why cant I just let him fall. He hanging out with people 20 yrs younger than him, his old friends are long gone, and all he pretty much does is drink, until he is numb. we go into today, because he doesnt want the kids all weekend long, only for 3-4 hrs on saturday, and he feels that when it isnt his weekend the kids shouldnt come over to his house, to play with their old friends or ride the motor bikes. and he told me he wants the kids to go new schools not to use his address, so they could stay at the old ones, because he doesnt want the there for 2 hrs a day, and he feels that if I push the issue that he will go back to court and cut my child support, because he would be having the kids more. which I know he cant, but just him saying those words, just sent me into a tale spin today. and he tells me that am the one who is the bad parent, that am turning the kids againist him, by saying bad things about him to them, but I dont, they can see what type of person he has turned into, and seeing him drunk scares them. with him not taking the kids for the whole weekend, my hopes of finding someone are pretty much dead, I mean am not looking right, now, but maybe someday, when this dead feeling in my heart goes away, I would like to start dating. why is this so hard, he is a complete asshole, to me, so you would think this would be easy for me, but no!!!!
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It is hard to watch what he's doing. I can't imagine a Dad not wanting his kids around. But, it shows where he's at right now. The tough thing is to not let the kids know. You have a tough job, and I can tell it's wearing you out. You just have to keep focusing on you and the kids and not worry about him. I know that's easier said than done. I worried about my X for 6 months after he left wondering if he was ok. I asked my counselor why I did that and he said, "you can't quite caring for someone quickly that you loved. It takes time. Don't be so hard on yourself". So, my words of wisdom to you tonight are, it will pass. Caring for him will change as time goes by. Now that you are divorced, you have to realize that he's not your husband anymore and you aren't married and so you need to treat and think of him differently. It will come, my friend. Time is what you need. And as far as dating, like you said, don't worry about it now. Your kids are the top priority. Hugs.
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Hey you cheer up. Like I said we will get through this thing. You are a wonderful person and that is all that matters. You are the better parent and person. HE CAN'T BEAT YOU!!!!! He is nothing but a piece of you know what. Please when he is on your mind think of me how we have gone through so much together. Don't even think of him.....
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Julie. This is normal. This is horrendous what happens to families when one person gives up. I would try to get my kids into counseling so they and you can cope with what's going on. Maybe you could invite their friends to come over to your new house. It might take more effort on your part to work things out for them. I totally understand the fear of being alone for the rest of your life. But sweetie, you never know, but even if you were, you'd be ok. But that's not the point. Do what it takes to be the best that you can be. Take a year and work on you and the kids. Get your lives settled, heal your heart and your soul so that when someone does come along, you're ready. Don't waste another moment on your X. You have given it all you have to give. Always pray to be open but move forward as if there is no chance he's coming back. Love you my friend.
caligirl67410
((((((Julie)))) I had all of these feelings too. I had never really been alone for any length of time.. I always had children living with me and I was in a 19 yr relationship this time.. But I gained so much in being alone for the past 18 months.. I have proven to myself that I am so strong. I have learned to care for myself because I am worth it. I have learned that I don't "need" a man, but I want one.. I feel that I may never have another also.. The age factor is a huge minus for me, but you have your youth, and the only way that you will be alone is if you choose to be.. Give yourself time to heal, time to get to know what you do and don't want in a new man in your life and when that happens, you will find someone. Now is the time to concentrate on the children. They need to know that you are there for them to reassure them that everything will work out.. I am sending along a huge healing hug to you.. I still want to come over and meet you one day.. You are so close to me and we did not get to do it last weekend. You are not alone and we will keep walking with you.. Love and big hugs to you, Kimmee
kimmeee
One day....just one day....
AhHa