tryingtosmile's Journal

Dear Jack,

I have been thinking of you so much lately.  Mostly because I am starting to understand how much my actions hurt you and I think ultimately destroyed you.  You trusted me to take care of you, you were such a sweet baby, so easy going.  You and your brother used to drive me crazy when you would disappear every morning but you always came back and after a while I understood how much you loved your early morning romps.  After all, isn't that what living in the country is all about?

You were so happy just being outside, enjoying everything that life brought every day, even bad weather didn't seem to phase you and even the loss of one of your legs didn't slow you down for long.  You still went for your walk every morning, enjoying the country.

But then I changed everything for you.  I didn't mean to, I wish I didn't have to, I wish I could change things and do it differently but there it is.  I know I broke your heart.  I thought I was doing the right thing, keeping you with me and what I thought was continuing to take care of you, moving into town to a fenced in yard.  I figured if we were all together, that's mostly what was important and your brother seemed ok with it all.  But the country was in you, I hurt you by taking you away from what you loved so much.  I gave you a nice big back yard to live in, but it wasn't the same.

I remember your depression, your sadness, laying under the porch a few weeks after we moved there.  It finally sunk in this was our new home.  No fields to run through, no scents to follow, no creeks to drink from and lay down in on a hot day, no place to run, even with your funny rocking horse gait.  If I hadn't, if I hadn't, if I hadn't.  And you just layed there looking at me, wagging your tail once or twice but you wouldn't even come out to say hello.  For two weeks.  But then you seemed to snap out of it, I thought you would be ok, even though you still seemed depressed.  I thought I had done the right thing while inside your heart was breaking, you lost the life you loved and nothing was ever the same, everything you loved was gone.  Except me and your brother of course but it still wasn't enough.

And then the morning we found you dead.  You were what, 8 or 9?  Not old enough to die but there you were.  Something has always told me you died of a broken heart, missing the life you'd led for so long and loved so much.  I think of you now all the time because fate seems to have a way of coming around again, only now it is me, feeling what you must have felt, laying under that porch, what's the point?  Why get up?  Everything I love is gone.  I feel like I am dying the slow death that you surely did, a broken heart that isn't healing, like Humpty Dumpty who can't be put back together again.  And worse, I think Timex is feeling the same way.  I miss you Jack.  I wish I could tell you I'm sorry.  I wish I had done things differently.  You were a good boy and you didn't deserve what your life ended up as.  I wish I had been there for you and understood better how you were hurting and now I think of you often, feeling what I'm sure you felt, confusion, where did it all go?  Why can't I go run in the fields again?  Why can't we live where our home was? 

I can't even visit your grave.  We buried you and your brother and crazy Taz together on the property we were supposed to live on for the rest of our lives, I can't even see you anymore.  I know you were there, I felt you nearby when I would take the "new" dogs for runs near where you were buried, I knew you boys were there.  Do you wonder where I've gone or do you know?  And what will happen to Timex when his heart breaks all the way?  I can't even get him buried where he loved so much.

I'm so sorry Jack.  I love you and miss you, please forgive me.