tryingtosmile's Journal

It's 8:15 am on one of the scariest days of my whole life.  In 3 hours I will be in a courtroom with my husband, with lawyers between us.  The last time I saw him my life was ok, now it is on the verge of destruction.  My hands are shaking so badly I can barely control them.  I started getting dizzy this morning so took my meds for that, seems to have stopped progressing and getting a little better.  Only took half a pill because it can sometimes make me really sleepy.  Went and got orange juice to hopefully help me feel alittle better.

 I have convinced myself that this day will turn out ok, the order of protection will be dropped and I will be able to at least communicate with him although I am not going to try for several days.  So by the time I send him a letter and hopefully he gets it this weekend when he returns from wherever he is going this weekend, he will read it and I expect it to take a few days before there is any hope of him contacting me. I think he will have to process it in his mind a bit.  So after today there will be more waiting.  This is horrible.

I love my husband with all my heart.  I have been going back on my journal entries and reading them.  I am horrified how often I complained about him with very little things that I said that were good.  What is the matter with me?  I have convinced myself that if I can just send him this letter telling him how sorry I am and explaining how I have given him the wrong impression on how I feel about him, he will still be mad but give me a chance or a trial or something.  I am still praying many times a day for that.  I don't know what I will do otherwise.  You should never throw away a marriage on misunderstandings that can be fixed.  I have the comfort that I have never or ever wanted to cheat on him, how do I make him beleive me?

Whenever I was sad or not feeling well I used to curl up next to him or sit in his lap and he would hug me close.  It is so strange that the very person I rely on to make me feel better and want to go to for love and strength now is the person that is making me feel this way.  I fear I am going to go crazy and never be the same after this.

Going to go for a walk then take a shower.  My mom bought me a new sweater in a nice medium turquoise.  I have the exact same sweater she gave me a couple years ago in pink and he always seemed to comment on it when I wore it so I am going to wear the new one today.  Hopefully between that and having lost about 13 pounds so far, he will notice and remember some of why he loved me and hopefully he will miss me and think of me tonight.  I miss him so.

I will write tonight how it all went.  Hopefully I won't be on the roof!