Liz7803's Journal

It's been a long time since I made a  journal entry, and I feel like I've been on hold. We have moved to a small town, away from the prostitutes and gambling where we lived, and I feel much happier. I went to the doctor and told him about my husband's sex and gambling addictions, and the stress I live under. My husband is in recovery, but I have a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach, waiting for his next slip.I probably should start therapy again, since my depression comes and goes in waves. I guess I need to accept what he is or divorce him. It is hard, with a 4 year old, and weighing in his favor is that he seems to be changing. He tells me he loves me and that he is sorry for the past and is striving to change.

I don't want to be defined by his illness. I want to be whole and happy. I have started water aerobics, and my teacher asked me if I want to be on a water ballet team. I said sure, and I know my depression is much less when I exercise every day. I am making friends, and was elected to be a delegate for my political party. I am making slow progress on getting my work and home in order from the move. I guess acceptance is what I am also slowly working on also. I need to be grateful for the good things in my life, and either accept or change the bad things. Simple to say, hard to do.

Much love to you all,

Liz7803

I am very tired right now. We had a burglary at our home yesterday, and I only slept 3 hours last night. My husband was out sailing, and I took my 4 year old to a park with my girlfriend and her kids. The thief broke in through a bathroom window and only took my jewelry. He didn't take any other items or search the home. I am realy glad that I was gone and that neither my son nor I were put in harms way.

I am trying to work through alot of my childhood issues, and strangely enough, when I am very tired, it seems to be easier to look at them. I guess I just don't have enough energy right now to maintain any masks, or summon the overwhelming rage and anger that the thought of some of these things from my past provokes. I am trying to look at the past through the emotional eyes of the child who experienced them, the good  as well as the bad.

Potrero Heights

When I was four, we moved to a very small suburb of Los Angeles. It was very rural, and there were cows with calves on the other side of the barb wire fence from our back yard. I liked to dig in the dirt in the back yard while my mother hung up clothes on the clothes line. One day she let me bury a silver and turquoise broach she had, because I was playing pirates and needed a treasure to bury.

I have been off Effexor now for about 4 weeks and have been experiencing waves of depression. I have a hard time not obsessing on my husband' infidelity. It has been over two years now, but in some ways I think that the antidepressant just postponed feeling the pain, because it is still very much there.

In our therapy, my husband asked me how much longer will this go on (my depression and rage). I told him I don't know how long it will take me to heal, or even if I ever will.

I asked him to get rid of the matchbooks that he got at the casino where he gambled and picked up and screwed women. We had probably 100 of them. I told him that they caused me pain. He said he would. I saw him walk toward the trash cans by the side of the house, and then turn to hide them in with some tools. I yelled at him to throw them away, and seeing that he was caught, he did. He said to me that he didn't think that it was a big deal, that they were just matchbooks. I told him that they were triggers that set off movies in my head. But what bothers me is that if he can't be honest about something as small as matchbooks, how can I believe that he will ever be honest about anything. He just doesn't value honesty, and it is ok to be deceitful.

We are getting rid of the Lincoln Towncar where he had sex with his favorite girlfriend. When I see it in our garage, at our home, I feel like my heart is being stabbed. I took it to a  dealership for a different kind of car, and got a quote. As I drove that car, I felt that I was being washed over with sadness. This is where he discussed with his girlfriend how wonderful it would be if they could "be together" (i.e. if I were dead). He would get all my material possessions, wouldn't have to go through a divorce, get our son, and have the sympathy of being a widower. When I'm in that car I feel like throwing up. I told my husband when he got home today, that I am not strong enough to deal with getting rid of the car, and that I needed him to do it. He said he would, and has been doing the things necessary to set it in motion.

In the past, when he went out to bars with his buddy (who served two years for drug trafficking), they would tell the women that they were trying to pick up that my husband's wife had recently died, and that he needed cheering up. Great pick-up line.

I ran away from home on Sunday night. We had been in Southern Utah, and went on a hike in Zion, and the trees were turning colors, and it was a beautiful place. I tried to enjoy the time, but there was constant pain in my heart. When we got home, I erupted, and my husband told me that I should look at my part in the problems of our marriage, and how I made him feel bad so that was why he gambled and screwed other women. I told him that if that was the case I was sorry, but that I was leaving. I got dressed up, and I went to the casino where he did his dirty deeds, and asked some of the Baccarat players if they knew his favorite  girlfriend. No one did, I think she gambled away her life savings and went back to China. Some of the men looked at me with interest (fresh meat), and I was overcome with revulsion, and just wanted to escape. I drove to a small town about two hours away. I went to a all night store and bought clothes, cosmetics and sundries, and was seriously considering staying there indefinitely. I checked into a hotel at about 4 am, and slept for about 4 hours. My husband called me all night, 19 times on my cell, and each time it rang, I would think of the many, many times I would sit up all night calling him and wondering where he was and what he was doing. I wondered if it hurt him as much as it hurt me . I ate breakfast and thought about what I wanted to do. Then I remembered it was my son's Halloween party at school, and that I had promised to help him with his costume. I answered my husband's next call and told him I was coming home. I will never do anything to hurt my son. He is the only good thing that has come of this marriage.

I have started to exercise to get some of the "fight or flight" out of my system, and I hope that I will be able to start normal sleeping patterns, and that perhaps it will also help alleviate the depression. I am also journaling with a dear friend that I trust completely, and thank God for her help. I belong to a 12 step group, and go to meetings from 5:45 am to 8am every day. and as I reveal more about what is going on with me the group is surrounding me with love and support. I feel like I'm an injured dolphin and the pod is surrounding me and propping me up so that I can breathe. I am starting to realize how closed down I was emotionally, and now that I can open up with the truth about what is going on with me, that the truth is setting me free, and that I do have dear friends who want to help me.