jewellz66's Journal

HI ALL

I AM SO SORRY I HAVENT BEEN HERE.  I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR NEGLECTING EVERYONE.  I JUST HAD TO TAKE A LEAVE.  I KNEW I COULDNT BE A GOOD FRIEND TO AL OF YOU AT THE MOMENT, SO I ONLY THOUGHT IT FAIR THAT UNTIL I COULD BE A GOOD FRIEND, THEN I WOULD JUST TAKE A BREAK.

I AM STILL IN TENNESSEE.  IT IS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL HERE.  I HAVE A MILLION DOLLAR VIEW.  IT WAS A HARD COLD WINTER, SO I AM GREATFUL THAT SPRING HAS SPRUNG.  THE BLOSSOMS ARE BEAUTIFUL, BUT THE BEE'S CAN GO.  HAHAHA 

I DID GET A MAMMO DONE FOR THE LUMP IN MY BREAST.  I GUESS FOR NOW THEY WANT TO WATCH IT?  THEY ALSO DID AN ULTRA SOUND BUT CANT DETERMINE WHAT IT IS MADE OF SO THEY WILL WATCH IT FOR CHANGES AND GO FROM THERE.  I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO GET INTO A DOC AS OF YET FOR THE REST.  IT WAS THE HEALTH DEPT THAT TOOK CARE OF BREAST LUMP, BUT THAT IS ALL THEY WILL DO.  I HAVE AN APPT FOR THE 23RD WITH A FREE CLINIC HERE BUT I AM NOT HOPEFUL THERE.  THEY WONT PRESCRIBE ANY OF MY MEDS BUT THE ONE FOR MY HYPERTENSION.  AND I WONT KNOW TIL I SEE THEM ON IF THEY WILL REFER ME TO ANOTHER PLACE FOR THE REST OR NOT?  SO NO SURGERY ON THE MASS ON OVARY AS OF YET.  I ALSO HAVE BEEN OUT OF PAIN MEDS FOR ABOUT 2 MONTHS NOW.  WHAT A TREAT THAT HAS BEEN.  NO MUSCLE RELAXERS, ANTI-DERESSANTS, NOTHING FOR ANXIETY.  JUST MY BP MEDS.  THE FATIGUE AND ACHES AND PAINS I HAVE, OH MY.  I DID TRY TO GO TO THE ER HERE.  THAT WAS A JOKE.  THEY JUST TREATED ME LIKE I WAS A DRUG SEEKER AND THE DOC GAVE ME THE 3RD DEGREE ON WHY I HAVENT GOTTEN THIS MASS TAKEN CARE OF AND SO ON.  I TOLD HIM, "STRANGE THING, IF YOU DONT HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE NO ONE WILL GIVE YOU THE TIME OF DAY".  HE THOUGHT HE WAS SO SMART AND TRIED TO MAKE ME AN APPT WITH THIS CLINIC. THEY TOLD HIM THE SAME I HAD JUST SAID.  I STILL LEFT WITH NOTHING AT ALL.  NOT EVEN ANYTHING WHILE I WAS THERE.  SO THAT WAS JUST A KICK IN THE ASS AND WASTE OF TIME.  I AM JUST DOOMED TO LIVE IN PAIN FOREVER.

KALEIGH IS DOING WELL.  SHE IS SUCH A DELIGHTFUL LIL GIRL.  SHE TALKS ALOT NOW AND SHE IS SUCH A LOVING AFFECTIONATE LIL GIRL.  SHE HAS BRIGHTENED MY DAYS SO MUCH.  I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO EXRESS HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS LIL GIRL.  SHE IS SO SMART AND FUNNY.  BUT MY TIME WITH HER IS COMING TO AN END.  HER MOTHER WILL BE TO GET HER THIS SATURDAY.  I REALLY WISH I COULD KEEP HER LONGER.  IT IS GOING TO BE SO HARD TO LET HER GO.  I HAVE HAD HER SINCE THE DAY SHE WAS BORN AND SHE IS NOW 17 MONTHS OLD.  I KNOW I AM GOING TO HAVE A HARD TIME LETTING GO AND THEN DEALING WITH NOT HAVING HER AND NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE HER.  I REALLY FEAR WHAT I MAY DO OR BECOME WITHOUT HER.  SHE IS SUCH A PART OF MY LIFE.  YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE YOUR CHILDREN?  WELL I REALLY LOVE MY CHILDREN, BUT THIS LIL GIRL HAS SHOWN AND GIVEN ME SO MUCH LOVE.  I REALLY THINK/FEEL I LOVE HER MORE.  I KNOW THAT IS MEAN TO SAY.  BUT YOU JUST HAVE TO KNOW THIS LIL GIRL.  SHE JUST HAS THIS SPECIAL ORA ABOUT HER.  IT IS LIKE SHE IS AN ANGEL THAT BRINGS JOY, LOVE, LAUGHTER AND SO MUCH MORE TO ALL SHE SEE'S AND TOUCHES.  IT IS SO HARD TO EXPLAIN.  EVEN WHEN I GO OUT IN PUBLIC WITH HER, SHE JUST DRAWS PEOPLE TO HER AND SHE GIVES EVERYONE A HUG AND PEOPLE JUST GLOW.  I WISH YOU ALL COULD MEET HER SO YOU COULD UNDERSTAND.  I KNOW GOD HAS BIG PLANS FOR HER.  ANYWAY, MY HEART WILL BE CRUSHED WHEN SHE LEAVES.  I KNOW HERS WILL BE ALSO, SHE LOVES HER GRANDMA AND PAPA SO MUCH.  AND SHE ISNT GOING TO BETTER.  HER MOMMY STILL DONT HAVE A HOME SO SHE WILL BE BOUNCING AROUND WITH HER MOM.  MAKES ME SAD CUZ SHE HAS SUCH A STABLE HOME HERE.  AND A SCHEDULE AND LOTS OF LOVE.  I AM SO WORRIED.  BUT THE LAW SAYS I HAVE TO GIVE HER TO HER MOM.  WHAT IS OUR WORLD COMING TO?  SO MANY THINGS WRONG, AND IT JUST GETS SWEPT UNDER THE CARPET.  OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND.  REALLY REALLY SAD.

I AM SURE THAT THE FIRST COUPLE DAYS OR SO THAT KALEIGH IS GONE, I WILL DISAPPEAR FROM THE EARTH AGAIN.  BUT I WILL BE BACK ONCE MY HEAD IS LEVEL AND I AM ABLE TO FUNCTION AGAIN.  UNTIL THEN.  THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR HUGS AND MESSAGES.  I DO LOVE YOU ALL AND HAVE MISSED YOU ALL.  I PRAY YOU ALL CAN FORGIVE ME.  I ALSO PRAY YOUR ALL DOING WELL.

MUCH LOVE AND HUGS.

JULIE