Skiergirl24's Journal

 went to visit mom last night and she was pretty lucid. Here is the deal: the calcium keeps going up because the bone mets are pretty much out of control and the bones are breaking down, and calcium is being leaked into the blood. On top of that the cancer in the liver is also growing as mom's bilirubin levels are way too high. The tests showed that the doxil is not working. We have 2 options....taxotere, or a clinical trial. Mom and Dad go into DAna Farber today to discuss these options. The roblem with a trial is that mom would have to be off all chemo for 2 months...and that alone would surely result in tragedy. So it looks like TAxotere will be the drug of choice. My cousin and Aunt and uncle from WAshington state are flying in and the family is gathering to be with my mom. Mom is realistic...she has hope and wants to fight this disease and do everything she can to live; but she knows that she does not have much time left. I was scared to cry in front of her because I did not want to upset her, but I broke down. I apologized and she stroked my hair and told me not to be sorry...that my crying was normal and that I was not upsetting her "I am stronger than you think" she told me "Seeing you cry doesn't upset me...you need to cry...it is normal." I laid on the couch with my head in her lap stroking her arms and telling her how much I love her and apologized if I had been "distant" over the past fee weeks. She said "That is okay, honey, you have to do what you have to do to deal with this, I know how painful this is for you but promise me you will be strong." She told me she knew I loved her and I told her I loved her more than anyone or anything in the world and that if I could I would take the cancer into ME...I'd rather suffer than watch her suffer. She told me that she wanted me to go do great things with my life..."your life is just beginning, you will marry and have babies of your own." I told her not to worry about me or my brother I said"Mom you raised good , smart, moral kids who will do great things in the world...please do not worry about us." We talked about heaven and she has a strong sense of faith. She said that there are unanswered questions for all of us...but that is because this life on earth is fleeting and if we understood everything that would be too easy...when we are with the Lord we will understand and know the how and why of everything.

My Dad asked me to stand on the deck as he took a swim in the pool (he is scared he will have a heart attack when he dives in b/c the water is still so cold!) He said to me "Do you know how much your mother loves you?" and I said "Yes I do." And I said "Mom knows I love her, right?" And he sort of chuckled and said "Of course she does!" Then he told me I needed to calm myself down so that I could drive safely home. he said "Please drive slowly and focus...I cannot bear anything else bad happening to my family."

wander. I used to try never to cry but it helps me to cry at times. I was thinking last night of all the things I will never have...and things my mother will miss. I'll never have a mother to help me plan my wedding, I'll never have a mother to fuss over the color of the bridesmaids bouquets, or plan a wedding/baby shower. I'll never have a mother to call to tell her when I am pregnant with my first child, she will never hold her hand on my pregnant tummy to feel her grand child kick within my womb, I'll never have a mother to give me advice on formula, diapers, chuildbirth, or how to rock a baby to sleep. My children will never know what a wonderful woman my mother is - she will never see her grandchildren. Things like this break my heart. I don't understand it at all. All I know is that the pain is the most intense, gut wrenching, helpless feeling I have had in my entire life. It feels like someone has torn a hole in my heart. But at the same time I know in my heart that there is a God...and that I will see my mother again. Still it is not easy. And I am trying to keep some semblance of normalcy...or else I would lose my mind.

I take it one day at a time...that is all any of us can do.

Anyway that is where we are right now. It's very tough on all of us. I am trying to maintain some semblance of order and normality throughout this but it is tough. I'm finding it hard to focus while at work. Little things aggravate me....when facing something like this...nothing else seems important.