bugged's Journal

How does one move on.  I've read and read, I've journaled poured my guts out to get the pain out and down somewhere other than my heart and my head.   I take it moment by moment, and just not sure where to go.  I know I have to move on and let go, but again not sure how and where to start.

I keep looking at myself - I know I have a lot to offer and I'm a good person, why do I feel so unworthy of it all.

I keep making things more difficult I think.  Why do I keep coming back to what If I had done this differently, or that differently, why wasn't what I was good enough for him.  Then I realize this isn't about me.  I've doe the best I can. I've been a good wife, I've been supportive and I've been there for him thru difficult times, I've been a good mom my kids are  proof of that.

So why is ts all on my shoulders - what did I do that was so horrible that he could not love me. I know when I finally reached out for his help saying i could not do it o my own anymore he walked out - was I just someone to be used by him, and when I needed his support he could not give it -  I don't know - I just don't want to think that the last 20 years was a waste of time, I don't believe that, I have too much good from it to konw that it was a waste.

I just don't get it - why can't he answer me, do I not deseve that much from him.  I guess in his mind I don't.   Am I sitting her pittying myself - I don't know all I know is that it hurts so much and I have to move on.  I have to start feeling that I am worth something, the hardest thing is trying to convince myself of that - why can't I give myself a break.