Well it's Sunday morning, I'm …
Well it's Sunday morning, I'm having my coffee - and sitting here thinking of all i have to do. My …
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Counting down now - in a couple of hours, the stbx will be here - we will then go to the real estate office to sign the listing. He agreed to sign - he has decided not to pay any more mortgage payments. I cannot afford to carry the mortgage and the expenses I do to maintain the house on my salary. There is no way that the numbers crunch together. I initially spoke to my lawyer, my parents, my sister, my friends - we all know the best move at this time is to get the house sold before this happens. I made this move and I have mixed emotions. My kids grew up here - we had happy times - but I cannot dwell on this - its a house that's it 4 walls - and to survive this - it has to go.
I am sitting here trying to build my strength within, there are other things I must tell him today - I am demanding of him really - since he walked out it has all been on his terms. We are no closer to divorce now then we were a year ago - he wanted it, he has a new GF, a new life - he has not family responsibility - because he walked out on his kids as well - due to their ages 17 and 21 - he feels they are hi friends - they are adults they don't need him - well all I have to say is that is his loss. I knew from the onset we had different family values - my kids have come first, I spent 20 years looking after everyone but myself. I just did - I have no regrets - none.
My stbx gets angry when I ask for things in writing - he doesn't think I trust him - well honestly I don't - I feel he has lied to me over the past few years, up until the day he told me he loved me but was not in love with me he told me he loved me - he hugged me, made love to me (I feel used, betrayed by that aspect)we spent the weekend together and as I was about to drive home - 2 hours away - that is when he droppped the ball. He couldn't do this when I was someplace familiar.
I want to konw or I guess I demand to know that he is going to follow thru with what he says - 1. continue paying the car loan/repairs(he feels it's worth something - it's a 2001 - with 250,00 km's on it - it's not). 2. He will pay the support starting monthly for his daughter (she is still in school - he's legally obligated to pay for this). 3. He does not touch my pension - reason - he makes 4 x what I do - and his earning power is greater the next 20 years than mine. Speaking to laywer - with his expenses etc. on paper he makes a little more than I do - so I'm not entitled to support. 4. He takes the dog with him today - because the house is going up for sale - I can't keep him - I need to have people in to do repairs,showings etc - the dog as fond as I am - is just something else he brought home and left me with.
He walked out - he drives long haul - and owns his own truck - in Ontario it is an asset as it was purchased while we were together - I will walk away from that - if he pulls thru with the rest. I also want him to pay for the divorce - he wanted. I want it filed soon so that I can move on and rebuild and reclaim myself.
I've shed so many tears for this man I loved, I supported and was loyal to. But I also realize that I love myself as well - I need to move on to start smiling, to start laughing and to enjoy my life - I need to teach my children that they can overcome any obstacle in life - with determination, with work and with the love of their family. I want my children to be proud of their mom like I am proud of them.
I will no longer be the one to keep him aprised of what is going on with his kids - he need to build his own relationship with them - and he needs to start doing this before he loses his son. It is no longer my duty - I have realizedit was me who was the parent, who kept the family together - I made him be a Dad but - it is up to him.
I will not let him make me weak - to make me feel like failure or loser - for I'm none of those - I will hold my head high today - and my tendancy to let him make me into a door mat and sit passively while he decides what we are doing in our life is over - I know I can do this - your prayers and thoughts of strength sent my way today would be appreciated. I need them
I am sitting here trying to build my strength within, there are other things I must tell him today - I am demanding of him really - since he walked out it has all been on his terms. We are no closer to divorce now then we were a year ago - he wanted it, he has a new GF, a new life - he has not family responsibility - because he walked out on his kids as well - due to their ages 17 and 21 - he feels they are hi friends - they are adults they don't need him - well all I have to say is that is his loss. I knew from the onset we had different family values - my kids have come first, I spent 20 years looking after everyone but myself. I just did - I have no regrets - none.
My stbx gets angry when I ask for things in writing - he doesn't think I trust him - well honestly I don't - I feel he has lied to me over the past few years, up until the day he told me he loved me but was not in love with me he told me he loved me - he hugged me, made love to me (I feel used, betrayed by that aspect)we spent the weekend together and as I was about to drive home - 2 hours away - that is when he droppped the ball. He couldn't do this when I was someplace familiar.
I want to konw or I guess I demand to know that he is going to follow thru with what he says - 1. continue paying the car loan/repairs(he feels it's worth something - it's a 2001 - with 250,00 km's on it - it's not). 2. He will pay the support starting monthly for his daughter (she is still in school - he's legally obligated to pay for this). 3. He does not touch my pension - reason - he makes 4 x what I do - and his earning power is greater the next 20 years than mine. Speaking to laywer - with his expenses etc. on paper he makes a little more than I do - so I'm not entitled to support. 4. He takes the dog with him today - because the house is going up for sale - I can't keep him - I need to have people in to do repairs,showings etc - the dog as fond as I am - is just something else he brought home and left me with.
He walked out - he drives long haul - and owns his own truck - in Ontario it is an asset as it was purchased while we were together - I will walk away from that - if he pulls thru with the rest. I also want him to pay for the divorce - he wanted. I want it filed soon so that I can move on and rebuild and reclaim myself.
I've shed so many tears for this man I loved, I supported and was loyal to. But I also realize that I love myself as well - I need to move on to start smiling, to start laughing and to enjoy my life - I need to teach my children that they can overcome any obstacle in life - with determination, with work and with the love of their family. I want my children to be proud of their mom like I am proud of them.
I will no longer be the one to keep him aprised of what is going on with his kids - he need to build his own relationship with them - and he needs to start doing this before he loses his son. It is no longer my duty - I have realizedit was me who was the parent, who kept the family together - I made him be a Dad but - it is up to him.
I will not let him make me weak - to make me feel like failure or loser - for I'm none of those - I will hold my head high today - and my tendancy to let him make me into a door mat and sit passively while he decides what we are doing in our life is over - I know I can do this - your prayers and thoughts of strength sent my way today would be appreciated. I need them
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I am praying for you Bug and for all women like you and me; those who have been "tossed away", unappreciated. You need to get things formalized with him, for your own well being both financially and mentally. You have to take the guesswork out of whether or not he will do what he should be doing for you and the kids. He needs to be accountable. (see my response to your last journal). I know this must be so hard on you and I'll be thinking about you today and what you are facing. Be proud Bug; you have done so much for those kids; he should be the one hanging his head with his tail between his legs. You should feel like the better person here and don't be afraid to let him see that strength and that pride. If he is as arrogant as my ex, he will try to cut you down to the lowest and make himself seem like some kind of hero for throwing you a crumb. Well, don't for one minute let him do this to you; you are a great person, more than anyone can say for him. He is not the man you married; somewhere along the way, these men just go crazy and lose any bit of decency they ever possessed. He may think "it is all about him" but it is not. You matter, you count and so do your kids. My prayers and thoughts are with you.
debpei
Well my friends - this is it for me today -
Well the listing has been signed - the date the house goes up for sale is open - I need to do some repairs, have people in to help me out to get this place viewable. It will be done within the next couple of weeks.
My only hope now is that it goes fast. So please cross your fingers and pray that it does. I need it to sell so not to affect my credit to make it any worse than it is. I am on track to getting things repaired, and moving forward to rebuild my life.
He made it clear to the realtor that I had all final say-he does not want anything from the proceeds however with the Family Law Act he will have to sign the necessary papers. One thing down.
After leaving the realtor's I told him I needed to speak with him on other issues, I felt an overwhelming need to lay my cards on the table. I told him for the last year he dropped the ball, walked away - leaving me holding more than my share of picking up the pieces. I told him there were answers I needed regarding financial issues that he is accountable for and that from now on I am looking out for myself. I have sat by long enough letting him hold all the cards.
I looked him in the eyes and told him that I want to have these issues resolved, I want the papers filed, I want this finished. He wanted it, handing me back papers empty was no longer acceptable. As far as I am concerned I am still married - until the final decree comes in that it has been finalized for me that is the way it is.
He listened to my demands - agreed with them. I told him I was done filling him in on the kids - he is now responsible for his own relationship with both. I told him how disappointed I was in him for the way he has handled that with his relationship with his son - I know not my responsibility - but I had to get this off of my chest. I told him his kids are not his friends - he is their father - they need his guidance, his love, his support. A 20 year old young man with a bleeding ulcer is not normal - I told him not to hate his son because he is like me - because no matter what - his son loves him. His reason for not stepping up is that his son has never came to him for anything - well the kid has - but he never measured up to what his father felt he should be - although very gifted athletically - he never had the drive to take that to elite levels - he simply plays for the love of the games - there's nothing wrong with that. He alwyas felt no matter what he did it wasn't good enough for his dad.
My son also has to let his father know his feelings his disappointments - my daughter does - however he treats her like a princess and she never does anything wrong in his eyes.
I demanded today that he also take the responsibility about the dog - I threw this his way - in part because he talked me into it and if he was thinking on leaving - I did not need this extra responsibility - He said he would talk to our son - let him do it - I said no - it was up to him I've done and the kids have done mroe than our f'n share in all of this he needed to step up on this point. I feel sad about this but I'm facing a reality - the kids and I will be moving into an apartment - no pets allowed - it simply is what it is.
For the first time in 20 years - I spoke up and let him know exactly how I felt - how I've dealt with the hurt, and what I expect - he is now being accountable for his share.
In speaking with him - laying it out - I made him cry. For once perhaps he gets it now. He is not the man I married - and there is a part of me that feels sorry for him - his upbringing his childhood in part has a lot to do with the way he is - he has to live with his choices now - like I do mine. I also stood up and said - although he does not feel like I worked hard over the years - I did - I was a good wife - there were things in his past I never thru in his face, I supported him - I was the best wife I could be, I was a good mother and a good person - and I would thank him some day for letting me go. I thanked him for the part he played in my life I thanked him for being the father of my children - I looked him square in the face and told him I had no regrets - that there was a reason for all of this and I would be happy - I'm not spending the next 40 years being bitter or not enjoying the next chapter of my life - I apologize for the length of this - but thank you to all my DS Friends - you have given me support and encouragement and have allowed me to find answers within myself to grow to heal to survive. THANK YOU!
bugged