bugged's Journal

My day was great - no tears, no sad moments - just a realization - that as much as this hurts I'll be okay. Probably better than okay some day, but okay is fine right now. I guess I realize that because this hurts so much - I have the capacity to love and to be loved. My marriage of 21 years did not work out - I refuse to believe it was a failure - because it lasted 21 years, and I have two great kids - for that I am grateful. I can continue to hold my head high and know that I'm a good person and will continue to move on. I will always give my best, that's all you can do.

It really is a struggle to move forward when thoughts of the past keep creeping in and taking up space in my head.  The situation is simply what it is.  There are no answers, I will never hear from him that he is sorry - you see he doesn't like those words.   How sad is that, when you never have to sorry for anything - I guess it's jsut testament to his character.  None of us are perfect - we all have little things in our psyche that won't let that happen - besides would being perfect really make you happy.  We have to learn and continue to grow as a person - no mater what our age.  Boy, I certainly did not realize that the age of 49 that I would be continuing to learn from the experiences of my life - I thought once the kids were on their own than we would have time to reconnect and to be with one another - that will not happen.   What will happen is that i will go on with my life, i will continue to work to support myself and to help support my children in any way that i can.  I have all the love ane encouragement and support in the world to offer them - to help them grow into wonderful adults.  That's all i can do.

I am going to try and not give him any more power over my thoughts - I've given him all that I can - I gave him my best it wasn't good enough - so I'll be damned if I will give him any more.  He has no say in my life at this point - it is my decisions, my choices that will enable me to get to a brighter point.

I am good enough, I can hold my head up with pride knowing that I've done everything in my power and it's over - it is simply what it is.

I know I'm feeling out of sorts - I am not looking forward to him coming up this weekend - it will be full of you and the kids have not done anything to get ready to move - you know I've simply done what I could do - I have no option but to continue paying these bills here at the house and with what I make and what I am paying - I have no savings - I have no savings to put first and last month rent down on another place for me and the kids. 

My reply to him is what have you done Kevin?  What have you done.  You walked out -  you walked away from me and from your kids - you have not done one single thing to help make this house marketable - in fact you won't even think rationally about selling it - your answer is to simply walk away from the mortgage and the bank foreclose - why - because you feel I've destroyed your credit - it wasn't me alone - you made your choices and your actions also speak for themselves.   You could have stepped in at any time to talke over - but you didn't - it's easy to blame someone else isn't it.   I refuse to take all the blame - I just won' t do it anymore.

I'm tired of shouldering all the responsibility - I have had to deal with the kids on my own this last year - they hurt - their world was torn apart - I've never bad mouthed you, I simply reinforce that you are their father that you love them - but it takes more than a phone call every now and then and a fistful of dollars to be there for your children.   I've taken care of them the best I could - and I've done a damn fine job.  You have not taken one moment over the past 12 months to put them first - it's all about you.  You've found a new GF - someone to replace me with - will gues what - you will nver find a replacement for me - no one will ever give you what I have given you - some day you will realize that - it will be too late, it was your choice - your decision.  All I asked for was a chance to see if we could hold on after 21 years - to see if counselliing would help - I wanted to have no regrets - but you said no - it is what it is - I did the best I could.  

I guess at times I would like to know more about the GF - what does she have that I don't - but you know what - it doesn't matter - I am what I am - and it's all good.   I loved you and it wasn't enough - I refuse to let you make me feel like I'm not good enough - or pretty enough, or loving enough - because I am - I'm the best thing that ever happened - I gave you a family, I gave you support.  

I just want to move on now  I want a chance to be happy.  I know I'm not ready to enter into another relationship but someday I will - I want to have the love from a man who appreciates every ounce of me, every wrinkle, every bit of joy -  but for now - I will hold my head high and know that I've done the best I can.