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So much for feeling positive, have worked myself into a grand old funk. Here i sit again tonight - I should be packing - I know it has to get done - haven't did a thing tonight - the kids are off - he's with his new gf - and here i sit alone - I'm becoming the pathetic, depressed, ex wife. who sits alone night after night - craying and feeling sorry for myself Life certainly isn't fair.
Where have I gone, what am I doing. I have spent 21 years looking after my family I've lost me.
I guess it's just a combination of things having to pack my house up yet - moving and truly being on my own -All I've ever wanted was my family.
Funny how thngs work, I devoted everything I did to my husband, my kids - I've lost who i was - I lost contact with friends so now that my husband has left and moved on - my kids are on their own -really - they have their own lives - here i am with no one but myself and I honestly don't know what to do any more.. So I sit here and cry.
I know I'm tierd of crying - and god knows my kids are tired of seeing me cry - I don't know I guess it just hurt even more when my daughter mentioned tonight that her dad is living with his girlfriend now - and then off handedly said she knew we had a big argument when he was up here. I just kept quiet - I don't know what he said to her - If I ask - she gets up tight - sol just let it drop - but as the story goes - you know - how much her dad is there for her - she needed something so guess who was the first one to be there - I just feel used ...
Not having a great night tonight, in fact this is the lowest I've been for a long time - I know it's aways a set back when I talk or see him - and then having to sign the papers for the hosue this week and being told what he really thought of me after 21 years - well - let's just say I've now talked myself into believing the worst of myself .....
Comments
I have to admit that I am looking forward to the end of this week. It hasn't been one of the best in many aspects. But it is what it is - another opportunity to grow, to be knocked down and get back up again.
I haven't had a tear today - ok so I lied on that one - I jsut watched CSI Vegas - and sorry it was sad, but that is what I do, I cry when I'm sad, I cry when I'm happy - and I'd have it no other way.
I had a better day today - I haven't thought much about the xass - other than to think what an ass he really is. I guess perhaps I always new it and I chose to overlook it.
I am angry with him for him saying what he did about me - but you know what that's fine - he can villanize me all he wants - it still won't make him a better guy - he's lashd out to hurt me - to make himself feel better - he knows he wasn't there for his kids, he know he wasn't there for me - so why not turn that around and blame the one who was.
I honestly don't think he thought I'd sell the house - but I did didn't I - in less than 4 weeks.
I have taken care of his children - and damned well I will admit - they are good kids - and he may threaten me by saying our daughter can go live with him - but when it comes down to it - she's where she wants to be. Yes we have our moments - but I understand - this has been difficult on the kids as well.
I had a chance to tell Jordan a bit of what happened - I came clean with Jordan and told him that I had told his dad what I though he had felt - my son simply said to me - mom your dead on what I feel - I knew he was angry, he was mad - he feels abandoned by his father - he never felt he measured up - well - in my measure - he is more of a man than his father will ever be. He's kind, he's loving, he's warm - he's so good with people - I'm proud of him.
I told my son tonight - that that was my last effort - the relationship he has with his dad and that his dad with him is up to them - in my heart I want my son to be able to go to his Dad at any given point in time, to talk, to do whatever goes on between a father and a son. The wonderful thing that I know - I have give my son my sense of family values, actually to both he and my daughter - and for that reason - I know they will reach out to their dad. No matter how much he pisses them off - no matter how much hurt he has caused - they will love him as their father. I did tell my son though - he is so much like I am - and believe me by keeping it in and not telling the person what you think - brings nothing good - I told Jordan that he needs to tell his dad what he thinks, what he feels - he has nothing to lose.
I don't have to worry in that way about my daughter - man she just tells ya - and it can be a bit brutal at times - she is a little moody - and today - her dispostion reminded me of her Dad - oh well - we all have bad points - but her good ones - out weigh the bad ones.
I know after thinking from yesterday - of feeling so horrible that I have nothing to be ashamed of - it's amazing how they rewrite history to make it their own.
He can go straight to hell if he thinks I didn't contribute at all to our marriage, because he knows better.
No more looking back - only going ahead from now on - the best thing to do is to move on - to find that real happiness that i deserve - to show myself that I can do it - I am strong, I am independent - I have been for years - it's been me and the kids on our own for the last 10 years anyways. So he can blame away.
Yesterday was teh first time he came to the house - since we had decided to get it up for sale - in the meantime- I cleaned it out, painted, got it ready - and sold it - not him.
He's not going to push my buttons again - in fact - my goal is not to think about him at all - I certainly have better things to occupy my time with!
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Bug, by next month this time you will be a free woman; free from the worries of that house; free to be who you want to be; free never to speak to him again. Free to surround yourself with good people of your choosing. You have survived a very rough time; but you should be proud of yourself; you did it!
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I am so very proud of you!!! You are doing it!!
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Sounds like you have found you power. You go girl.
Well, the papers are now signed to finalize the house sale. He's come up probably for the last time, and we had a huge argument. The biggest we've ever had.
He ended up saying some pretty nasty things, hurtful things - I thought I had all the hurt from him I would need - apparently not - he ended up telling me how I became such an awful selfish person, how I basically didn't support him - how I never contributed - etc - let me just say that I felt my heart was being ripped out of my chest.
To top it off - he's angry at me because I still care - well sorry - I have a hard time letting go of 21 years -I will always care about him, I wish him no ill will - he was the man I loved for 21 years - he is the father of my children.
I see now I have to walk away from him, I can no longer let him have the power to hurt me again.
He was angry because I hung up on him - well I apologized for that but I too was angry - I am tired of being blamed for all the wrongs in his life - I was not the cause of all of it.
Both of us contributed - having him on the road for weeks at a time - let's face it when you are only home for 42 days out of a year that does not bode well to family or relationship issues.
It's hard to realize that after 21 years - you are not respected - I will never receive validation from him at all for what I have given him and believe me it was plenty.
I know that he will never forgive me - but that's okay because I have forgiven myself, I am working at forgiving him.
He told me that I only call him now for money - I treat him like a bank - well he can go to hell on that one - I call him regarding his responsibility about those issues he said he would deal with. But no more - I will never ask him for another thing.
I have never or will I ever hear that he is sorry - I know that because he rests the blame all on my shoulders.
He never asks how I am, I have told him about the skin cancer, etc - his response is that I'm worrying about nothing - how the hell does he know? What hurts the most is knowing that after 21 years - he has absolutely no respect for me as his wife, his children's mother.
My mother told me he simply continues to hurt me and is saying these things so as to not take any responsibility at all - easier to blame someone else.
I do know he's hurt me for the last time - it's time to move forward - to leave the past in the past it brings no comfort to bring it into the present. The future is new, a beginning.
Today the present - just hurts - I will work at letting this go today. To take what he said from where it came from and not to let him defeat me - to allow myself to think less of myself - because I know better - he still threw away the best thing he ever had. Will he ever realize that - I doubt it - but that's his cross to bear - not mine. I simply did my best.
From now on - it's me and the kids - my mom said to me what will hurt him most is to go on and be truly happy without him. This is my new goal - to move ahead, to create a new life, a new future and not to lose my sense of self - I am who I am and the person I am is good, I care, I love and will continue to do that.
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Don't make it about him. Heal and move on for you. Sorry its been a tough day. (((HUGS)))
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Bug, two things: He is trying to convince you and himself that you are some kind of "villan" only so taht he can ease his own guilt. And the other thing is "the best revenge is sucess". So go with that; be the best you can be.
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Well I'm certainly not accomplishing much today. I keep replaying things in my mind, his comments today - and yes I certainly feel defeated today. I have let his comments have power over me and all the self doubt and negativism has brought me down. I have allowed him to hurt me, to make me feel that I'm responsible for all the things that have happened. I now have a king size headache, I feel like I'm going to throw up. I know that I'm not the person he portrays me to be - I am strong, I am worthwhile, I am not selfish and the list goes on - he will not bring me down again!
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And you know what? He owes you money. hold your head high and get what is due to you. Don't cut off your nose despite your face!
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That had to be so painful; I'm sorry he hurt you like that. Debpei is right--he is lashing out to cover his own guilt. He is rewriting history and demonizing you--that's standard operating procedure for a fucktard.
You are a strong woman and a good mom--hold on to that.
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He's projecting his negativity onto you my friend. I hear you on the playing things over and over in your head. You have to try to stay in the now. Today is what matters. Not yesterday or tomorrow. You ahve to get through today and you can. Write down what you're thankful for. You have amazing friends here on DS, you have amazing family and we are all here for you. I am sorry that he hurt you. It hurts like crazy, doesn't it? Hugs my friend.
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After all that was said and done -he's called 3 times tonight, he found out about an old debt he had and was wondering if I new anything about it - for the life of me - nothing is coming to mind. It is in his name only - so he's asked for phone numbers here in town I don't know why he just doesn't phone information - from experience that was what he did when he was home - I know we argued about that all the time - and about how much extra it cost. I guess when he's using the new gf's phone - it would be out of line, easier to call the old wife. Well I do know now - what number she has - and i don't have to pick up the phone when he calls back on it. He can find someone else to be his flunkie - cuz this girl has just woken up,
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Does the damn rollercoaster ride ever end? I am sorry that he has your emotions all over the place! I will never understand what happens to them. Yes, we all played a part in things, but we never gave up! We never left the marriage! We would've gone to any length to save the marriage! They find humor in the fact that we still love! The just continue to shred our hearts! Yet, they make us out to be the worst people! You deserve so much better! You are a good person and your life will get better! Sending you lots of hugs! Hang in there!
You have been through so much right now. Be kind to yourself. You're doing fine. It's tough what you've been through, then you had contact, you are moving, you are leaving behind memories, struggles with kids and knowing where it all fits in, and what you said about loss of your friends. I have to tell you that I had dedicated myself to my family. I don't regret it but I had lost touch with some of my friends as well. But as soon as I needed them, I reached out. It took some work to reestablish some of the relationships to the level that they were but my friends have been my lifeline. I had to do the reaching at first but now they are there for me and they reach out to me. I found that I can't wait for anyone to reach out to me, I have to reach out when I need them. So, that is what you have done with this journal. You have reached out. Hugs to you my friend. I'm sorry you're alone. It's the pits. Wish I could come help. Even though I'd like to move, I dread the day.
caligirl67410
It's amazing what fear can do to you. I don't konw about anyone else - but it immobilizes me - I start procrastinating - then nothing gets done then I have to work feverishly to get it done.
Well my friends, fear has taken ahold of me that with overwhelming sadness. One week today I will be out of the marital home the kids and I are moving into an apartment.
I look back at the last 16 months and would have to say I have come along way, then I get slammed with a week like I've had.
The stbx came up to sign the papers to close the house, we ended up having a huge argument - he said some very hurtful things which I have allowed to bring me down - 21 years right. I know I was a good wife, a good mom, a good person. I am smart, lol - but a one hour conversation with the man has brought on so much self doubt, self loathing that let's say right now I am very dissappointed in myself. I made a huge mistake - I listened to him I for the last few days have believed his words that I was miseralbe, selfish, a bad mother, a bad wife. Simply not so. His reasons for othe hurtful words - I'm not sure - perhaps because I did get the house ready to sell and sold it - because I am the one that is always there for our children and I questioned his parenting ability. I demanded that he pay me support for our daughter. By hurting me did it give him a boost to lessen his own guilt or dismiss his own inadequacies - I would hope, no sorry I don't hope - I know.
So today I must look that fear in the eyes once more - I have to realize I'm almost there - I've sold the house, I've made it thru and have guided my children thru the last 15 months, we haven't fallen apart yet - we're still a unit - I've taken a hold of my financial situation, it's not good but I am managing to go forward. I can hold my head high and simply no that it was not I that gave up on my marraige - that it was not I that gave up without a fight on the person I loved and it is I that has to quit looking for answers that simply aren't there - there is none. The situation is what it is - and from this day forward the only choice I have is to go forward - to start living again, and simply do more than survive - because simply I'm worth it.
This weekend is our Thanksgiving - and I have so much to be thankful for - have to apologize for the length - and perhaps I should have journaled this - but maybe it will give someone else hope too.
bugged
Try not to force yourself to "feel better." It will pass. Be in the moment, and let yourself get through it, because you WILL. Hang in there.... I have so been there and it sucks. But going through this level of pain makes you stronger when you come out the other side of the tunnel. Good luck.........
johnsculler
Oh Bug it must be something in the air. I just had the worst week ever and I am going to have another one this week. But we'll get through it; isn't that what we always do? Land on our feet.
debpei