Join Now
as for the denial piece, i think things are going forward some. we've been video taping sessions for the last month and have watched one of the sessions together there. it was a bit shocking to me to see it from another perspective.
i also realized how some of the things that i have always known but that the memory stops abruptly do seem to fit together with things that other parts have told him, and that seems to support the theory that there are parts that came when i was "gone". then another thing came up about 2 weeks ago that made sense to me...whenever there've been flashbacks that suggested my father was involved in anyway, i have dismissed them out of hand and said that couldn't possibly be. NEVER. it's been a reason for thinking this was all wrong, the DID. well, i realize how absolutely afraid of my parents I and some of the little ones who speak to t. are, and one asked him last week, trying to make sense of it, if it's possible, that i could be so afraid of my parents that i would be able to not allow myself to know anything bad they did cuz i would be too afraid to face them about it. if my fear of them could be strong enough that it could cause me to forget. he said that was possible. not that the events were so horrible or traumatic that i forgot them, but that i was so afraid of facing my parents and saying they did something wrong...because while i have a hard time saying they did anything wrong, the fear is tangible. i don't know why it's there, but i do know it is there. it's been almost 6 years since i've been in contact with them...but any time there is the slightest possibility that they are going to take me up on that offer to meet with a counselor and discuss the things that are between us i get absolutely petrified. they haven't' even denied the things that i said to them in the letter i wrote confronting them with the truth of what i knew for sure...and i just said that until they were willing to resolve that with a counselor or pastor, that i wasn't going to be in contact with them...they'd have to enter the counseling process with me to do that cuz it was tearing me apart trying to maintain the fake fine way that we'd been doing it for the years about 2 years after i ran away and we'd went back to acting like nothing ever happened.
so anyway, a few of those things together have kinda been swinging the tide from absolutely no way i could be DID to doubting it still...he said yesterday that he'd like to see doubting go to "wondering" and wondering to to "curiosity" and then maybe curiosity go to "hope" and then hope to "trust"....and then maybe we start putting the pieces together???
i've been looking for certain evidence for a long time...some way to convince myself, and i know he's hoping the video will help, but as he said yesterday (and is right about), there are ways to explain that away if i work hard at it....cuz i am often kinda listening in on that and so it can feel like im making it up somehow...but today i was on my to pick up my daughter and checked my phone for her number and saw a call on my phone in the "#'s dialed" list. my T's mobile (not office; he gave it to me a few years ago in case of emergency) number was on there at 8:35 pm last night (about 2 1/2 hours after my appt. last night). that didn't make any sense to me because i didn't call him. i NEVER do. i have a standing appt. time, so there's no need to do that. it was a friday night (our time changed cuz of snow--one of only maybe 2 times in 4 years that we've had to reschedule) but that was done early in the week and moved to the different time days before, so i didn't need to talk to him about that. i felt good when i left cuz things are going better. i'd had some tears going home but felt like i had dealt with them alright and had stopped at t he store to pick something up, remembered that fine...as far as i knew. it did take me about an extra hour to get home according to my husband but i thought i could account for all of it at the store and remembered many specific points of the trip and songs on the radiio, things i was thinking etc. but then there's this 5 1/2 minute call to my t. on his cell. i haven't (as far as i know) in 4 years called him 3 times on his personal phone. i would have definitely on a friday night felt that it would be a disturbance to his family and not have called. if there is truly something that i feel i need to have contact with him between sessions about, i email him (he has always encouraged me--or any part to do that--sometimes when there are many parts it's a way for sessions to end on time if someone didn't feel they would get a turn they "can always write" and usually he just sends something back that says "thanks for writing, we'll talk about it wed", other times, maybe one in 15 or 20, he'll send a longer response like the one i included in the post above, but that's only if there's something pretty major going on and he happens to have the time, or its someone maybe that he's been trying to reach and finally they've opened the lines of communication...) anyway, back to my point; i wouldn't have called, not to his personal phone rather than the office, not at that time, or on a weekend, not when i was feeling ok, not when i could have emailed, not for a 100 other reasons, and yet, there it is on my phone, a 5 1/2 minute call, clearly to his mobile phone....i have NO remembrance of it, not even a hint.
i called my husband and asked him what time i got home last night, cuz i thought i was home by that time. he said it wasn't much after, within a 1/2 hour...then we watched "dan in real life" together....and i remember that just fine. the reason i say all of this is that it would be a definite indication of a switch that is 100% not remembered as opposed to all of the co-conscious stuff that happens, and one that is provable. i have a lot of times that things happen but i'm not sure it' s not just a mess up of some kind and i always find a way to explain it away; the other person is remembering wrong, their dates are mixed up etc. but this one i have absolute, untamperable proof, and whenever i get back in touch with him and ask him, he will be able to tell me "who" he talked to or what it was even about, and then i may have what i need to truly break through the denial...if i can do that, the trip from doubt to hope might be a bit faster than i thought. i truly want him to be able to tell me something really clear that i don't remember at all if the DID thing is real, explain the number and the 5 1/2 minutes..
i just wouldn't have called!!! it would help me so much to know for sure, to have proof finally of something like this that is just irrefutable. i did email him tonight and ask if he spoke with me last night...he hasn't written back yet, and i told him he could tell me wed. if he thought that would be better, or he could tell me that yes, he got a call, and say who he spoke to and what about, or just say yes to the call and save the rest, whatever he thought was best...but told him what i remembered from driving home, and also apologized if someone did call cuz i don't feel that was right. but anyway, he prob. wont' check it til maybe tomorrow or even monday morning, but i am anxious to see his response.
