pcoon's Journal

Hi everyone.  I am feeling better again.  I went to see a primary doctor who actually listened to me.  I told him about the pain in hips and legs which I was told was from inflammation and from nerve pain.  He prescribed celebrex and lyrica for me.  I felt better almost immediately. 

I went to therapy with Derick on Saturday.  I knew it would be tough and said as much to Derick before we went in.  While we were there, I felt like a terrible person and a worse mother by what was said.  I am assuming with the ptsd from abuse from my ex and all that my oldest son said that I am over reacting--depression from all the pain and the changes do not help.  But as I keep telling Russ, let me cry it all out, my hurt, my pain, and my frustration.  Also remember that I have started bleeding again which also affects my moods.  I will get through this, but I just need time to adjust to all of Derick's anger towards me.  He did not ackowledge anything that I do for him--such as letting he and his friends come over all the time, cooking for all of them, buying food for all of them, and cleaning up after them.  Derick said that I do but it does not show that I love him. 

We have 12 rules of behavior to go by:  do something fun with Derick each day (Derick is 16).  We are to ask him only once to do a chore.  He is to be given time to finish his important stuff on the computer or playing games with his various units:  playstation, whatever the other one is called.  My husband and I are to do something together each week--he doesn't understand that our time together in the house is special to us.  Praise Derick each time he does a chore.  Never say that Derick has not done any chores.  Russ is to get more sleep and never fall asleep on the sofa watching tv  (Russ works from 12-18 hours a day so that he can pay the bills).  Plan for Derick to move out in the summer and give him his childsupport that I am receiving now from his father.  Never yell in the house and always have a positive atmosphere in the house.  Patty is to be positive all the time and get meds for depression so that I can be happy all the time.

 So I have put his and the therapist rules up on a big board.  I have put up a chart so that I can mark each time Derick does something good starting with showering and brushing his teeth.  I have marked down each thing we have done together.  I also feel like I dealing with a 2 year old at this point and he is charge of the house.  I can't pay the bills on time, but I have to find and do fun stuff with him each day.  I am also to spend time with him each day in the kids' area on an enclosed porch--den. 

 For some reason I though that if the boys wanted to spend time with me, they would come to the living room.  I did not think that teenagers would want their mother there with them while they were playing games by themselves or with their girlfriend or their friends.  It seems that I was all wrong--so I am a bad mother.

It is so ironic that the things that Derick and the  therapist said are things that I have heard for over 20 years from their abusive father, my oldest son who incorporated everything his dad said to him and then said to Russ and I, and what other therapist said--which I thought some of their suggestions were stupid at the time and still do. 

I will find my balance soon.  I will sort my way through this stuff.  I just need a little time.

I love hearing from everyone but I am so slow about answering everyone.  Know that I care about each of you and thinking about you.  I just not had the time to sat at the computer to talk to you.  Now I have to go.  Derick has the first of five appointments for this week. 

Take care and God bless.