MariB's Journal

It got very cold here again. I miss the warm weather.... The sun is not shining right now... It's cloudy.... Maybe we'll get more snow or snow flurries..... Don't like the very cold.....Am exercising as much as I can..... 

I'm thankful for my friends and also for the healthy family members. Can't go into it here online since my aunt in de co was bringing up if I was going to sue them.....When I needed a place to stay when I was having marital issues that developed again from the other issues she didn't have a place for me to stay with the family......Yet years ago she, their family, when they had most or all of their family in the one house took in someone that needed to be at a better place, a home then.....He wasn't family....... She does have a sense of humor but was saying something from before that if a person could go to jail for abusing someone then she could....... God knows what she was referring to...... I'm very sensitive but think abuse is terrible......There is no excuse for it... She's the one that told me that I should see a therapist at least once a month when the rest of that family and their friends don't even do it themselves..... Neither does my ex or his families, adoptive or biological,  to my knowledge....

Can't go into mor right now...... 

Wasn't able to get to see the few that I wanted to at Christmas since I was ill although they now that I was hurt badly in two car accidents and the one aunt joe in de co (maybe she has moved since some of the things happened) was accusing me of a chester county hospital loosing  trauma center asking if I was gong to sue them, apparently she/they know more about the things and weren't telling me..... But they don't know what I know either and why after professional counseling I was supposed to do the things that I did... which is to stay away from harmful people that hurt me or others before......Not to go back to them..... Something very strange happened after my dad  passed, at least I was told, and I was working through the things from then..... He apparently thought more of the males in his family then.... When a therapist told him and my mom that everyone should have been going to counseling in that family yrs ago he got angry and pulled everyone else out..... The psychologist told me that I was ok since I worked through the things and do work on my issue etc....and that it probably, the situations, would not get better since the rest then were not willing or dragged out of counseling/therapy..... They just developed more relationships etc.....It makes sense when I'm piecing the things together all of it.....Well they know that I was hurt badly in two car accidents..... So did my ex's families yet they did not seem to go out of their way.....His adoptive mother told me that she would be a best friend after we got divorced an also said why should I toast you when we got married.....My mother was not a best friend yet I loved her as my mother....... Looking at the relationships with all of the situations and having worked hard from before with the things I see alot that I still have no control over.....And I suppose that it has to be ok for now......  It the dynamics of the situation and how some are from the past situations...... It's too much to get into but when I take it apart quietly and intelligently, it makes sense..... 

The relationships are different again since some have passed, others got married and had kids and others like myself got divorced......I believe in forgiveness and have done everything that I could about most of it, the things that I have control of.....Like my dad threatening to punch my face in and more....Yet he wasn't that way with most...... Can not go into more of it here.... When my ex, then huband, was smashing things......and I went back also to some, some of those relationships changed too and more.....Others had gotten married..... Another family members in laws, the one was complaining that her ex was abusive yet they get together at the holidays .....There's adoptive issues that are there too that I was told......For some others in the family, not myself...... Maybe if I feel a little better later I will journal more...  I was told by my ex years ago that his adoptive mother etc used to read his journal and it hurt him when he was growing up so then he stopped.....I'm starting to wonder more about their families an how they grew up...... Some of them I was told kept getting into trouble....I on the other hand never had that..... I've had many good friends, some healthy family members, some not so healthy fmily members and I do love them. The car accidents were so traumatic and painful etc that it's put me in a way that even with working through the other things that were traumatic it's brought up more for me to deal with again....Especially again since after my ex was smashing things and the police were involved and I went back to counseling and he did too to go back to people that he told me were harmful to him and/or me after working through the things with legal counseling as well... He still did not answer my question about the things that I asked him that were ongoing from after that person threatened to blow up our house and something strange was going on when we had our washer and dryers on, with the refrigerato/freezers and more...... One told me that she would not help me when it started years ago since she had to live and work then in Chester Co.....It's very long to get into and I just can't believe when you do the right things for yourself and others confidentially and some nuts get involved what could happen to yourself and a marriage...... It's too much too much in details and the things make sense when I piece them together......      

Still haven't been feeling well from the last car accident and being hit again. Still in pain and still having anxiety from it although the anxiety is a little better right now. It was very traumatic, both of the car accidents and being hit plus other things that have developed from the accident(s). My fm (fibromyalgia) got very bad again. Trying to do what I can and not get upset about the car accident(s). Today the fm is not too bad but I'm still having ongoing neck and back pain. Heated up a collar and am wearing it around my neck right now.  Am on thyroid medicine. Need to get bloodwork done. Have appt to get a scan done. Have other appts for pain and accident related things. Started seeing a therapist again for the car accident related issues and trauma from it. If I can I'll go back to therapy for the neck pain again. I can't believe that being in the two car accidents especially the last one has created so much for me to deal with. It's quite challenging and would be for anyone. Trying to stay positive about the things and look for the good.

My divorce went through. My ex seems to be very happy with his decision. When he filed I was very ill with thryoid and in the first car accident, hit by someone at a red light before I could  make a left hand turn on red. There are still issues that I am working on and know that I was an excellent wife when I could be. The rest is too much to put here....Re: our family issues and the rest.... When I asked him about some things and he was smashing furniture or putting his fists through the dry walls of our house that we sold in 12/2006, the one that someone threatened to blow up and more things and I had been in professional counseling for all of the thing before.... Another person told me that I was being sexually harrassed SINCE then but wasn't going to help me then since she had to live and work in that area in Chester Co while she was fighting for her employment with her friend.... When I was asking my ex, then my husband,about the things all that I was getting were the things aren't broken, you can't fix them see a therapist....  Can not go into more here..... All that I wanted was an answer then even my younger sister was telling me to see a therapist and yet they never keep doing it themselves....When I asked them and they asked me, I told them yet they were telling me to see a therapist.... I'm sick and tired of the things.... Some of it dates back to when my dad  threatened to punch my face in after he drop kicked a family dog demanding me to see a therapist .... It's too much and I've already worked through the things..... I know that the problem again is not me..... One aunt in de co was accusing me of the reason why a hospital closed it's trauma ctr.....asking if I was going to sue the family that insures part of the family..... There's quite a bit more.... Today I'm still working through the current issues and pain while looking at all of the things in order to see what I can do that is positive etc.....

My mother in a way allowed my dad to stay like that.....I was told that he was dead and also attended his funeral..... But with him threatening me as well as a few others..... I still get chills to think that if he were alive I would have the same things....... I was told that another perso that I had worked with years ago was dead but when someone with his name and his wife showed up in a local paper in the are that I moved from.... I was shuttering and got chills again.....Something went very wrong when I was in professional counseling working through things and doing what was the best for me and my husband now ex......There's alot there and that happened and I can't go into it here online.....  Looking at some of the other things.... I think that my brother licked my mother on the face too when she was living yrs ago when she was getting sick herself and she also allowed that....She didn't stop him but made a comment..... Which upsets me.... All along I've worked through things professional and I'm just so tired of some things...... I'm getting a gut feeling and am very uncomftable today...... If I was killed in either car accident I wouldn't get upset about any of the things anymore.....I know that God allowed me to be alive for a reason.....I feel aweful that several in the family told me that they didn't like each other mutually and got married and no have kids.....They do not keep going to therapy or counseling...... And yet don't have a problem telling me to go.....And they don't answer my questions sometimes.....It probably has to do with the dynamics of the situations and doing the right things and bing a good person.....Now looking at my relationship with my ex and what happened.... He told me that he was going back to people that were harmful and/or abusive to him and/or me to start the relationships over again since he had to leave after he was getting how he was again....He went back to counseling to work on that after he was smashing furniture from before (antique table that I purchased  on the main line years ago and chairs and a piece of two of my grandmothers that I was given when I was asking him about the things after I already went through counseling for my issues/things )  when I was just asking him about some of the things..... I needed answers..... Not just that the things were not broken, we can't fix them, go see a therapist or psychiatrist..... Can not go into more here..... about the things that I asked him about..... 

Hope that everyone has a beautiful weekend.

Luv and Blessings,

Mari (Maria)