MariB's Journal

Just got up to get a glass of ice water or tea and to check on my feline, the newer one that was adopted. She's a sweetie. Have a headache from thinking about the car accident related things as well as those things that developed after that person threatened to blow up the house that me and my ex sold last Dec. I had been in professional counseling from before and it just didn't work again since some of the same people were involved again in the things that I had already worked through... Many of them never ever go to any type of counseling themselves so.....It's just quite frustrating for me.....Several in the past have extremely bad/violent tempers and can get very angry and the  wall with it....... I understand that the one was yelling at me to see a psychiatrist again when they don't do it themselves and wouldn't give answers as to whatever had happened to and since we sold that other house ... The other was yelling that I was urning my bridges after doing what professional counseling had counseled and yet he was bitching about everyone before........Maybe I shouldn't been..... But then again it's not my fault that there were a few extremely unhealthy people in my life that I can't ever seem to do anything about even with much professional counseling ...........There are some things that I am currently working on looking at the personalities and what  happened , looking at the reasons,looking at the people involved and their agendas, etc..........When whatever had happened to our house that we sold in Dec....that that person threatened to blow up after I got counseling for with much more and I wasn't supposed to go back to a few and was forced after my ex then my husband was not getting into why the house was sounding unusuaI.....and more.......After I was treated on a victim unit yrs again........and more....... I must  been a real good ass then for someone to bug that house and more.......That aunt was accusing me of things and ing if I was going to sue them, the family.............My ex was saying that he was going back to several that had been abusive to him and or me result after forgiving them again to restart those relationships that were abusive ........That was after he was back in counseling after I just had asked him what had happened to that house and more......When I put the pieces together it makes sense.....That perhaps I was too good of a person and as someone yrs ago told me that that had not been good for someone else that sherked with........ Yet if I were like another friend yrs ago....bitching about everyone and fighting them when in health care and never going to any counseling... doing what she was then I would have never been told to go to any counseling by a few of the sick ones from before that never do...... I'm frustrated that I'm in a pickle for doing the right things and being a good person...... I should have never gone to any counseling ad put up with a family member yrs ago threateing to kill me and punch my face in......Then telling me that he loved me...... No wonder why the heck...... There is a dynamic to the situation......Doing the right things... I'm not the cause of someone elses extreme violent anger.....My ex should have been able to tell me what happened from before  more than the things aren't broken, you can't fix them see a psychiatrist or therapist..... What is the point in professional counseling with my situati when I've done the right things and  have been made to feel like a hostage..... I suppose that by getting professional counseling froms ago and working through the things confidentially as well as being a good person was not good for someone else that had made me a victim again...... Should have never gotten married in my situation..... It's the dynamics of the situation......Then again I deserve to be happily married....There is something very wrong that had happened since I had been a victim fromyrs ago and my ex wanted to know and couldn't hear it and was telling me to see a therapist again after whatever had happened at that oher house....Can't go any further....I'm so upset that I just have to take a short break with the things.....If one of my friends was being sexually harrassed I would have helped them not let the things go on and on and more..... There's too much and it seems like no matter what I did before I get the same things from the few.... If I had been a rotten Roman Catholic like several of them from yrs ago then I wouldnt have ever had an issue but then again I'm a good person...I know about burning bridges and never to do that....By going to counseling yrs ago like the one that never does and was bitching about everyone then  I was doing what professional counseling told me for both   me and my husband, now ex... so that we could spend more quality time together etc.... Something very wrong had happened though and when things get terrible again after  I was a victim again she told me that she was helping my husband....That was when that hospital an trauma ctr was having problems and I was sick with thyroid and aw were fighting each other for employment issues.....My younger sister was having some issues an not going into the things that I needed her to from before asking about my dad's birthdate....She made a comment whether he was really dead or not......Then there were the strangest sounds in our cars and our house - through and around it and more places.....The one was telling me that I was being sexully harrassed since then and they whomever were involved knew that I was a victim again and working through their issues only.... I suppose that I was a real ass for a few of them - that s that I presented some issues  a few by confidentially doing the right things and caring and being a very good person -----It doesn't seem to matte--- Since I feel like a hostage with the people that had been involved and some more that I can not go into any more here.......

 Back to the few with extreme violent anger.....I  don't get that way myself.... Don't express anger that way myself......I understand it.....That was one trigger for some of the ptsd related stuff to some things not the car accident things....I'm tired of dealing with some extremely stressful things in my life and need a vacation. After I get some more answers and have some things taken care of that need to from the car accident then I think I'll go on vacation maybe even with a friend.  I understand why that person that I worked with yrs ago told me that even though they knew that I was a victim of sexual harrassent from then yrs ago that was ongoing and that she wouldn't help me since she still had to live and work in that other area, Chester Co., where it started from that she thought that embarrassing the hell out anyone and everyone would be better if the things had happened to her..... It's too long to go into here..... I'm so sick of the things as well as the physical pain from the accident ---- I'm upset for being a good person and doing the right things  getting stuck in someone else's issues that isn't such a good person or wasn't such a good person ----- I would never want to be a bad person though.....I wouldn't feel good about myself -----