ladynightchild's Journal

Good morning to everyone..

                   This morning as I wake up from a realy hurtful night I feel like I must sit here and write whats in my heart because I cannot hold this inside me And having noone within family to honestly talk to without saying yes i know.. makes me want to pull my hair out my head .. How do u know how things are here.. ur not here to see my nanny cry.. ur not here to hold her and comfort her in the dark..

                last night I was setting up.. smoking a cig that im supposed to be quiting and cant  and my nanny came in here to me looking like a very lost lil girl whom dident even look like herself with tears in her eyes and pleeding with me that she was alone that she was all alone... and she was scared standing there crying and shakking and wanting to plead with me.. I immidatly shut my pc down and I went into our bedroom and jus talked to her.. she knows I would do anything in the world for her within my power to do it.. but yet 2 days ago she talked about me like i wasent even there and she was angry with me about something that haddent happend but she thought i had left her and she was talkin about me and that hand went up to her shoulder in a balled fist and i mean she was tellin me off and i was setting in the corner.. that hurt.. yes it did.. but i tried not to take that in to much because once i told her i was here and i hadent gone anywere she laughed and smiled and kissed me..

             but last night she was so lost and hurt so much because her sister the only one living comes straight by here on her way to her sons house but will not stop by here for an hour to visit.. and she knows this and it hurts nanny.. my great aunt hasent been able to come for losing a yr before last because of cancer.. but still it hurts her

my mom has called and come by some more sence i been so sick.. which is good and communications between me and my aunt and unkle are better sence i layed into them and told them all i had balled up.. u eather help me help her or get out the way cause im commin thru one way or the other i will do what i have to for my nanny.. but last night

her eyes have moved father back in her face and she looked so pale and lost...

its hard now to hide the confusion from the family too.. but the only thing they say when i talk to them is i know.. i know how this desease is... i dont want to here i know i want to hear i understand how u feel and its ok u feel like this..

          nanny keeps saying for several days now she wants to go home.. but if we go to her hometown of nichols she will not be happy eather.. im lost as to were home is now sometimes myself.. this house we live in is our home and i try my best to keep it running even how sick i have been with the fluid on my spine and my head constintly hurting but i keep going.. how do u hold a light up in such darkness to lead the way? im afraid so aftaid im going to wake up one morening from were she and i sleep together and she will be gone to god and i will be left here..

        she said last night i need to start being with people and having a life for myself and leave her but she said she dident want me to leave her.. and its true i have cut myself off in some major ways to do what i do here i never leave here without her and what 2 freinds i have in the real world live down the street and they come for 5 min jus to have a smoke with me then they leave.. its hard and i think its caused depression on me because of my weight now but im not sure i wont admitt that.. because im stronge and i can walk thru .. but what if i lose her.. what will i do.. i cant think bout it.. because it will drive me crazy if i do.. but i love her and she has been the only one there for me my entire life right or wronge she always supported me.. told me when i dont wronge but loved me anyways and never made me feel like i was outside of anything

but how to hold the lite when here eyes are leaving her and her mind is how it is with the AD.. i want to make the light brighter.. what do i do