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Well, this is yet another entry. I don't think these stupid pills are doing me any good. I'm soooo depressed right now. I think if it wasn't for my mother, and her condition, I'd just end my life, it's going nowhere fast, and I'm forever locked under someone's control. I'm constantly being reminded of my smoking (which I go through about a pack a week, sometime a little more when I'm really stressing out). I actually DO know why I smoke. I feel it's the last thing I have control over for myself. Other than that, I'm screwed. BEing sick, and having no hope for a decent future but being controlled by someone else is so tiring. Does anyone know how I feel right now? I have pills to take that I can O.D. on. More and more I find myself wanting to take them. There's nothing for me here, and more and more I'm sinking. Everyday it's worse, but I'm still holding on. I can't even play my guitar like I should, and it's so sad if I try to sing anything.
So sad.
I can't believe I'm writing this, but I have no friends to talk to, and no place to go.
What would it matter anyway.
It's only me..... I'm insignificant.
Comments
Well, here I am again boys and girls.
Latest update on my mother's condition: Well, it was an ischemic (something, something) stroke. Sorry, I fail to recall the technical term for it, but in all it was a small series of mini strokes, and she's got this shard of plaque somewhere in her arteries looking for a place to lodge itself. She has recovered quite considerably, and is currently going through therapy. It's not over yet. They're waiting until she get significantly better so they can operate, and remove the shard. Unfortunately. The results of these types of operations usually are not good... or so they say. So, I keep my head up, and spend lots of time with my mom at a rehab center, and at nights, I cry like a baby. I have just waaaay too much bottled up inside of me, and nowhere to release it. I sort of had a long distance relationship with someone, but it turned out she had too much going on, and was way too caught up with someone else to allow much time with me. When she did chat with me, it was nothing but blah bah blah about her new friend. Not much anything about us, so I don't talk to her anymore, and I don't much care to talk to anybody anymore. I think I've had it with people. I've give out my heart, and what do I get for it??????
A dying Mom, and no one physically here with me to support me in my grief.
It doesn't mean I have friends here, but watch half of them fade away because I said I had a relationship. At least I'm being honest. A lot of you guys out there can't say that.
Well who gives a crap anymore, ya know? At least I'll find out who my friends actually are.... if any. So to those of you who are still with me through all this. God Bless You so much, and warm and tight hugs from me. TRUE FrIENDS
Comments
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I am sooo glad your momma is getting better!God is awesome!as far as what "they" say.. well I say with God ANYTHING is possible! keep the faith my friend.:)
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I am soooo glad you are letting it out. It is so much better than keeping it bottled up. And of course you should feel this way. This is your Mother, your heart. As far as relationships, don't give up. The right one is out there for you. You just haven't met her yet. You are a warm loving guy, and they can't see that, they are the one with the problem. Keep the faith. Warm loving hugs and prayers for you and your Mother.
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Thank you for sharing and updating us again!!!! I am glad you mom is stable and I am still praying............yes, though thick and thin..........that is what true friendship is about!! Yes, the right person will come into your life again........i believe that......never say never and keep on keeping on...........being yourself..........I don't believe God is punishing you if that is what you are thinking...........bad things happen to good people and good things happen to good people too............God is much wiser than any of us can comprehend..........so you just believe the best you can and try, try, try, to stay at peace................we are here for you and know that you are loved unconditionally. We all have our strengths and weaknesses............and so.............there you go................hang in there..........I am praying for your peace and your Mom and her peace.............peace is real power........believe me I have been through a lot, lot, lot.........with my own health and I have found a measure of peace that nothing or no one can take away or change.............God gives us what we need when we need it but not before..............I am tired and rambling......sorry..........big hugs and love
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Monk is happy and smiling knowing that you Mother is recovering from her stroke. I will continue to pray for her recovery and for her upcoming surgery. Thinking of you always and want to have your spunky self back here on DS.
FYI too. Gonna be moving real soon here but will be back as soon as I am able to check in with you. Luv n hugs!
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Sorry about my rambling on and on.........I was overtired and that is what I do.........I am glad you trust your true friends enough to open up and share with us..........bless you and help you through this process.............love and hugs coming your way!!!!!
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Bill please don't isolate yourself................talk to your friends here..........it will help!!!
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HI BILL, JUST SUSANNA_DEAR HERE. NOW THIS MAY SOUND A LITTLE HARSH, BUT IAM TRYING TO HELP YOU , CUZ I HAVE BEEN RIGHT WHERE YOUR AT. FIRST OF ALL YOU'VE GOT YOUR MOM DEAD AND BURRIED,AND SHE IS VERY MUCH ALIVE
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SORRY ABOUT THAT... YES SHE MAY NOT RECOVER TOTALLY, BUT THEN AGAIN SHE MAY ,YOU MUST THINK POSITIVE AND FOR HER SAKE YOU MMUST ENCOURAGE HER TO BE THE SAME. SOME TIM,ES A STRONG MIND CAN HELP CURE OUR SICK BODIES, ALONG WITH PRAYER AND FAITH.
YOU MIGHT TRY TO KEEP HER MIND WORKING BY TAKING A WORD FIND BOOK OR CROSS WORD AND ASK HER TO HELP YOU WITH IT A LITTLE, TAKE THE NEWSPAPER AND READ IT TO HER.AND THE BIG THING THAT WOULD MAKE HER POP HER BUTTONS IS TALK TOTHE STAFF ABOUT BRINGING YOUR GUITARE AND PLAY A FEW SONGS TO THOSE THAT ARE ABLE TO COME TO THE DAY ROOM TO LISTEN,BEING IN THE HOSPITAL FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME, WITH THE SAME ROUTINE DAY AFTER DAY IS DEPRESSING ENOUGH. I'M SURE THEY WOULD ALL ENJOY IT.GOD GAVE YOU THIS TALENT AND THIS MIGHT JUST BE ONE OF THE REASONS. I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT THE STAFF IS ALWAYS TRYING TO MOTIVATE THE PATIENTS. NOW I KNOW THIS MIGHT ALL SOUND KIND OF CORNY TO YOU BUT TRUST ME,AND JUST TRY IT.AND TRY TO BE UP BEAT WITH YOU MOM AND REMEMBER WHEN YOU ARE TALKINMG WITHHER IT'S NOT IF SHE GETS BETTER IT'S WHEN SHES BETTER!!
YOU ARE BOTH IN MY PRAYERS , LOTSA HUGS FOR YOU AND MOM, OOOOOXX, SUSANNA_DEAR
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Bill reach out to your friends here..............stay strong!!! Get your rest so you can help your mother...............please take good care of yourself.............nothing is so bad that there isn't help for you!!!!!
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Hugs, love and prayers for you and your mother!!!!!
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can we have another update??? hugs!!!!
This has got to be the worse 4th of July I've ever had.
So far she's making good recovery from her stroke a few days ago. She's getting some movement in her arm now, but her eyes aren't recovering quite as fast. At least that's something, hallelujah! I think she wants to be moved to some kind of recovering place where they can get her back into shape. Sure it sounds good, but meanwhile there's a shard of plaque floating around in her artery waiting to get lodged in her brain. Once it snaps off and gets lodged somewhere, it's curtains. "They" say it would be sudden and painless. Just what I need to hear. How about "IT JUST WON'T HAPPEN AT ALL"????
I just can't get over how shit comes out of the woodwork when someone important in your life is at death's door. Relatives you'd never heard hide nor hair from, tend to materialize from nowhere..... looking for some means to get money. It's sad.
I caught wind last night that my mother doesn't feel her two sisters are mentally capable of taking care of a trust fund for me, and she's very worried about giving it over to her husband knowing he and I aren't aren't exactly best mates. So there's no one else. Wait, I've got it......
How about..... I know this is a long shot, but........
How..... about.......
me?
Well, as I was saying (hehehe) I pulled that out of left field (ha ha)
My mother is the last of all I've truly ever had in my little world. When she's gone, I'm done as well. I'll have nothing. No one. No will. No shit.
No, I haven't been treated very well by family. I've never been respected. Alll this is another story maybe I'll go into later. Right now, you are my family. Sorry, but you will have to just deal with me being in your lives
hehehe
it's time for my doc appt.
GBYA
HUUGGGSSS
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i am proud to be part of your family! lets remember 1. ask 2. believe 3. receive your momma is fine! she is loved- she is a child of God~! hold on to that truth!
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hey bill my prayers are with you! you won't be done, you have to look programs that can help you! there are programs!
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God can do anything!! I agree with CindiLou.............ask...........ask questions, talk to your mom about how you feel and please, please remember you are a child of the universe..........that universe was made by God and so were you!!! I too would have a very tough time without my hubby and parents................but you know what.............we are given what we need when we need it...........not before...........I hope and pray that you find that peace that passes all understanding...........lean not to your own understanding..............yes, we are your family here and I am honored that you have reached out..........keep reaching out..............you will be okay!!! I am praying for your mom............and for you!!!!! Hang on to the good progress on your mom's recovery.........doctors do like to paint the worst scenario...........to cover their back sides.............keep positive as much as you can.............I know it is very difficult............but just try, okay?? hugs and more hugs for you!!!!!! ..... your friend!!
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I am proud to be part of you family. I just know in my heart your Mom is going to be okay. Keep the faith. Love and Hugs to you and prayers for you Mom.
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I know exactly what your are going through right now and my heart aches for ya. Still after 2 years of loosing my Mom I am not myself but we change just like the seasons do and I know no matter what happens you'll pull through no matter what outcome seems to happen. Prayers are with ya my friend!
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Bill, please update okay??? I am still praying for you and your mom........no I don't feel stuck with putting up with you..........i am glad I can help if only in some small way............I really feel for you!!!! Hugs!!!!!!!!!
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Even if it is just to say Hi I am sure your friends here would appreciate your saying it............I know you are hurting but please, say something..............please.........I don't want you to feel you have to bear this burden alone.........you have lots of caring friends here..............okay???
Past Entries
| July 2008 |
Wednesday, 7/02
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Wednesday, 7/02
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May 2008 |
Friday, 5/16
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Friday, 5/16
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Friday, 5/02
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Friday, 5/02
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April 2008 |
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Thursday, 4/17
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Tuesday, 4/15
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Monday, 4/14
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Monday, 4/14
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Saturday, 4/12
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Saturday, 4/12
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Thursday, 4/10
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Thursday, 4/10
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Monday, 4/07
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Sunday, 4/06
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Friday, 4/04
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Thursday, 4/03
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March 2008 |
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Monday, 3/24
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Saturday, 3/22
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Wednesday, 3/19
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Thursday, 3/13
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Friday, 3/07
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February 2008 |
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Monday, 2/18
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Wednesday, 2/06
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November 2007 |
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Friday, 11/16
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September 2007 |
Sunday, 9/16
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Friday, 9/14
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Goal Updated
then please talk to your doctors and tell them that, okay?? tell them what is happening and going on in your life that feels so out of control..........they can help you but................man, ya gotta talk............i know you probably do.........keep talking to them and ask a ton of questions about everything...............I had a real heart to heart talk with my doctor and I am so grateful that I did.............i feel so much better after having done that!!!!!!!!!!
BlueButterfly55