Nave's Journal

Hello and thankyou all for your support and friendship!  Wow, what a group you are!

I have been really busy, seeking a peaceful place in my brain and searching for answers to my questions ...to myself!

Over a year ago, I was diagnosed with a mood disorder, Mood Disorder, NOS,m which means I am moody!  Hum, we could have told them that!  LOL!  Last week doctor added new meds for mood and I feel like a million bucks!  I fought taking more than the anti-depressant I was taking, but  said I would give it a try. 

I don't know why, but the rumninating on the affair just stopped, within a couple of days.  I am not suggesting that anyone else go this route.  It IS normal to ruminate for a long time, especially if you have not gotten answers to your questions!  Anyone who experiences a TRAUMA  will find themselves talking, thinking and obsessed with it until they feel like they understand it!  Think of people in car accidents, they go over it until they feel like they remember all they can remember or flood victims, they NEED to talk about it!

Trouble is, I had resolved so much and could see that I was not moving on.  I realized that I was experiencing "Complicated Grief", which is grief that never feels like it gets resolved.  Grief over the loss of the husband I thought I knew and the marriage I never had!  I was at 50/50 and could not make a decision.

The medication caused a shift or maybe a block to the rumination, giving me time to think.  It feels like the memories were giant Macy's Parade balloons and the medication let the "hot air" out of them and they now feel like flattened balloons and in the past.  They no longer seem like threats looming over me, never to be resolved!  Wierd anology, but that is what I saw!

The switch made me realize that my husband has been listening to me rage for 33 months and that he also has changed over the 33 months.  He is 27 months sober, with one slip, which should technically start him over at about 12 months.  whatever!  He has been listening and is appaled at his treatment of me, although he was not always able to stay cool in the middle of my tirades.

As a result of his seeing that I was unable to stop obsessing and my seeing the threats as coming from the past, not the present, we are getting along well.  He is loving and taking responsibility, bringing up how sad and sorry he is, without my first bringing it up!  We are talking about good things in the future as well as resolving and understanding things in the past.

Long journal, so I will end.  I hope this medication is not forever but am so happy to be free of the constant ripping open of the stitches, before the wounds have time to heal!  I will keep on moving onward and upward as long as possible.  Blessings to all.