Nave's Journal

Still trying to Reconcile Mood

Thursday, May 22, 2008 | A General Update story

Hello,

It seems like years not weeks since I journaled. This work is so exhausting.

after several weeks of things going pretty well, we had a big blow up the other day. I decide not to jump back on the roller coaster. I am just detaching a bit. I think he was either becoming fearful or ambivelent. No way to know what goes on his head...he doesnt even know.

I am losing some of my patience but am staying until I feel I have a better place to go. I have decided that to "bounce" into some itty bitty apartment is not what I want. I will wait until I am back at work and can really chose what I want to do.

I refuse to go through another traumatic depressing change. the apartments I could afford alone, right now, are just pathetic. Dont know yet how long it will take but I am interested in doing resaearch and may go back to school. I am not willing to go for a long time but 6 months to a year, I will do.

Same field just research instead of counseling. If he has not come out of his delusional thinking for good...by then...I will leave. Hurrying is not advantages to me at this time. Until this week I was considering investing money in his and my business. Then I realized what a nightmare it could be.

My h trys hard but ultimately goes back to his "I am victim" stance. He has a lot more work to do, in order top really make the changes I expect, in order to have a good marriage. i dont want a mediocre one! Not even sure that a good one is possible. I have tried everything else besides detachment. so here I go.

Basically I speak very light and polite, rarely initiate conversation and do not follow him around. I choose not to go on dates, sometimes, sometimes I say yes. The idea being that he needs to see that I am tired of his behavior and letting go. if he lets go, while I am doing this, then that is what he wanted all along. Was it here, on DS, some ow said that we dont know how many husbands and wives come back just for the family obligation, stability and familiarity? She may be right. If he is not willing to really get that he is the cause of all of this chaos, then he is not remorseful enough.

Forgive me for not editing for spellin, i am exhausted.

Take care all

Nave

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Comments

We all need time to push away from the daily thoughts and attempts at dealing with our own lives such as they are. Take this time to remove yourself emotionally and mentally if it will give you time to relax more and see what comes of it from his side. If there was a quick and sure answer to what you are still feeling and seeing you would have found it by now I'm sure.

I pray you can come to some peace within your mind and heart soon. In order to do that you must find a way to move on and reclaim your life. Look to the future as much as you can and not at the past. When and if your H is willing and ready to move into that future with you I believe you will know what you need to do.

God bless you Deb. May you rest tonight and find a calm within. Sylvia

PudsyP
sounds to me like you are doing great and all the right things - trying to rebuild and restart always starts from the ground level again and this is what appears to be happening and if it can't grow from the ground level upwards you will know - i am proud to hear how strong you've become. Bless you!

Carebear64
Hi friend- need to catch up with you- I think each day i detach from H a little more its the only way i can cope, im like you i need to do my own thing and if hes there at the end then we can see but if he cant wait then hes not worth it anyway. I hope it all works out honey as you have suffered so long you need some peace love you Norrie

Norreen
Thank you friends! I have suffered, a long time, Noreen but it gets better as time passes. I am not on here often now, as life is beginning to take up more of my time. I think, I have explored this issue and understand pretty well, all I can. Now, I wait, to see if the dust settles!

Many people take 2,3 or 5 or 6 yers to recover and it helps me to know I am not alone. My h is so devastated, I realize now, that he can not cope with the guilt sometimes. Love you all!
Norrie, call, early am here I am usually drinking coffee. Between 7AM and 9 or 10 am!
D

Nave
It seems as if we are in the same place right now, only that I got to that point much sooner. I don`t know if that`s good or not. Doing a lot of second guessing. K.

Kallista